Dear Lord Stanley...

Breaking: Canadiens Players Busted For Purse-Snatching, Seriously

2008-02-11T16:45:00.000-05:00

While not nearly as amusing as the Staal brothers' run-in with the law during the off-season, the arrests of Ryan O'Byrne (who?) and Thomas Kostopoulos (no kidding) for purse-stealing and resisting arrest, respectively, is high on the humor scale.

The two Canadiens players were busted outside a Tampa nightclub early this morning, in town prior to their team's game against the Lightning tomorrow.

Seriously, though, stealing a purse? I know the CBA after the Lockout was supposed to crack down on inflated player salaries, but it can't be that bad. Can it? Seriously guys, get new agents if you're that hard up for cash.

Hockey Skates Sharp, Dangerous

2008-02-11T09:30:00.001-05:00

Hockey players might be a cut above other athletes, and the game itself might be a little slice of heaven for fans, but recent injuries caused by skate blades (wait for it) could sever the game's illusion of safety for a while (hold your applause, please).

On Saturday, Steve Downie added another person to his growing list of victims this season, when his skate blade struck lineman Pat Dapuzzo in the face. The soon-to-be-retiring official dropped to the ice, which he quickly decorated modern art-style with his own blood, and was later treated for a laceration that required numerous stitches. He is expected to be fine, and chicks dig facial scars.

Then, yesterday, Panthers star Olli Jokinen was upended during a game against the Sabres. As he fell, his skate blade struck teammate Richard Zednik in the neck. Thankfully Zednick had the composure to skate to the bench instead of falling down, and was immediately treated by paramedics and is now in stable condition at the hospital.

My thoughts are with Dapuzzo and Zednik and hope their recoveries and returns to the ice are swift. Hang in there, you tough bastards.

I'll cut right to the chase here: hockey players live on the edge, for sure. Wait, where are you going?

Capitals Excitedly Surging Toward Major Playoff Disappointment

2008-02-07T15:39:00.000-05:00

You know that now-old comparison between arguing on the Internet and running in the Special Olympics? Well, the same can be applied to winning the Southeast Conference (and its associated top-3 seed in the Eastern Conference playoff bracket).

The Capitals have improved significantly, as of late, and that's gotten the heads a-talkin'. The local boys are seeing stars. The big guns are lining up with pats on the back and whatnot. The bad news is, it's all going to end with a serious let-down.

Remember the Penguins last season? They made the playoffs with Crosby at the helm, only to get royally stomped in the first round when it dawned on them that they were just a mediocre team with a few really talented, inexperienced little kids in the lineup. Before their implosion, everyone was already convinced it was Their Year. Uh, no.

Maybe it's just me. Maybe a team still barely above .500 with less than 60 points in the standings and less than 30 games left to play, is destined to win the Cup. Or maybe the city of Washington hasn't had anything sports-related to cheer about in a while.

The Maple Leafs Are Really Good

2008-02-06T15:51:00.000-05:00

Seriously? 8-0 against the Panthers?

Holy shit Brett McLean scored five points. He only had 11 points in the 39 games he had played prior to last night; the poor guy scores less than I do.

And it costs $300 to see the Leafs play at home. Honestly people, is the city of Toronto comprised entirely of mouth-breathing, knuckle-dragging morons or did Boston start up some kind of citizen exchange program?

Teams Stalking Euros Instead Of Rentals As Trade Deadline Nears

2008-02-05T16:38:00.000-05:00

This hot piece of Euro tail is Fabian Brunnstrom. Who? I don't know who the hell he is, either, but he's apparently the second coming of Swedish Jesus (the first was Peter Forsberg).

Brunnstrom is 23 and was never drafted, but he represents the NHL's alternative to throwing away draft picks and valuable utility players on under-performing rental players at the trade deadline. All a team has to do to get Brunnstrom is get him to sign a contract and get a passport. No more betting the farm (literally) on some off-and-on veteran with a bloated salary. F' you Marian Hossa. You can suck it.

The Avalanche already pulled a stunt like this by signing Czech league stud Jaroslav Hlinka during the off-season. His six goals and 22 points in 50 games might seem pretty lousy, but at least Colorado didn't lose any draft picks acquiring the guy.

Euro poaching. It's the wave of the future.

Kovalchuk Suspended For Maximum Pwnage

2008-01-24T10:56:00.000-05:00

You might think that Ilya Kovalchuk's 37 goals, 63 total points and slim 38 penalty minutes would suggest that he's a player who only concentrates on offense. Don't be fooled. He's not afraid to totally wreck a dude if he has to, and now the NHL is all whining and griping about it.

Kovalchuk has been suspended for one game after introducing Michal Rozsival's face to the glass at Madison Square Garden. So what if he totally hit a guy facing the other way? So what if his feet left the ice to do it? What's the big deal?

Said Kovalchuk, "It's a contact sport. I wasn't trying to kill anybody." Yeah, you stupid vaginas. Relax already. Then Kovalchuk said, "if anybody needs me, I'll be at the All Star Game embarrassing ~~Roberto Luongo~~ Manny Legace." Or he should have.

Leafs Firing Ferguson Not At All Overdue

2008-01-23T06:16:00.000-05:00

Sure, the Toronto Maple Leafs have missed the playoffs the last two seasons, and sure, they're well on their way to another hugely disappointing year (19-22-8), but for some reason the organization blames now-former general manager John Ferguson.

When I think about the ownership and control of the Leafs organization, the image of Chicago politics come to mind. It's something so deeply entrenched and in control that to oppose it means you end up in the lake sleeping with the fishes, or at least voted out of office by an army of deceased voters.

Anyway, the Leafs have more problems than a lousy GM, but Ferguson was definitely not helping them. Maybe they should actually try to sign a decent player or two during the off-season. Or maybe develop some talent in their farm system. I know, that's crazy talk, but it just might work.

Said president and CEO Richard Peddie (this guy?),

"Our team performance has fallen short of what is to be expected ... We need to forge the start of a new beginning for [the] Toronto Maple Leafs."

Ha! Good one!

Mike Ribeiro Considers Career As MLB Leadoff Hitter

2008-01-18T09:23:00.000-05:00

Rumor has it that Dallas Stars center Mike Ribeiro is considering offers from teams in Major League Baseball to become a leadoff batter. Or, if he isn't, he should be, since he's batting .328.

Ribeiro has only taken 67 shots on goal in the 46 games he's played this season. But he's scored 22 goals, good for 32.8%, which is f'ing ridiculous. Ilya Kovalchuk, arguably the best goal-scorer this side of Alex Ovechkin, is cruising at an even 20%. That's good, but it's nowhere near Ribeiro.

Now, as for what field position he'd play, well, at 6-0, 178, I forsee a brilliant future for him in right field...

Bucci's List Of Drummers Beats The Hell Out Of Me

2007-12-06T22:08:00.000-05:00

For the record, I like John Buccigross. I like his writing style and I like him because the man has a definite love for hockey. I even look past his ridiculous knee jerk approval of the Bigger Nets Would Be Better delusion because I think he has a good heart.

But a response to an email in this week's male bag (oops, mail bag) went too far. First, the email, in its entirety, from "Daniel Murray" (if that is his real name):

U2's Larry Mullen, Jr., is the best drummer in the last 30 years. That is all.

No he isn't. That is all.

Even worse than that ridiculous opinion was Bucci's response, which both pleased me greatly and made me want to punch something:

Travis Barker, Neil Peart, Lars Ulrich, and Danny Carey also in the mix.

It is almost impossible to argue that Neil Peart of Rush is not one of the greatest drummers of the last 30 years. He's a master of the craft. His solos are legendary. And it's also tough to argue against Danny Carey, whose technical perfection makes Tool the amazing band that it is---almost more so than Maynard Keenan's voice (but not quite). And I'll forgive the Travis Barker comment if only because the guy has a Dag Nasty tattoo on his chest and Blink 182 at least had a sense of humor despite being pretty terrible in general.

But Lars Ulrich? Is Bucci fucking insane? Forgetting for a moment that Metallica hasn't released a good record since the very early 1990s, and forgetting that they are possibly the most annoying group of people in the entire music industry, Lars Ulrich is, hands-down, the most overrated drummer in modern rock history. He's ridiculed by serious drummers everywhere and has been for decades, literally.

I submit to evidence Item A, this horrendous "drum solo," in which James Hetfield outplays Ulrich at the end, that unfortunately continues to exist on video despite my personal efforts to destroy it.

I'm sorry but it must be seen to be believed.

And to put Ulrich on a list with Danny Carey (while excluding Mike Portnoy) is absolutely atrocious. To make up for Bucci's transgression, I submit to you a hodge podge of Carey and Portnoy clips. Hopefully that will heal the pain he's caused.

I think Bettman needs to consider a two-game suspension for John Buccigross.

Court Documents Finger Crawford, But Not In The Good Way

2007-12-06T09:33:00.000-05:00

I know this is going to come as a huge surprise to everybody, but it appears that former Vancouver coach Marc Crawford may have ordered Todd Bertuzzi's attack on former Avalanche player Steve Moore back in 2004.

I know, it's hard to believe that Moore, who had never done anything at all to Bertuzzi, nor really done anything wrong in general (his earlier hit on Marcus Naslund was clean and perfectly legal), would somehow be the target of a psycho coach's revenge fantasy.

Trust me, I'm an Avs fan, I know all about Crawford's bouts with insanity.

But let's not leave out Brian Burke. Though he may not have ordered the attack as the Canucks GM at the time, he certainly didn't make any kind of denouncements after it was done. And Bertuzzi is still his boy to this day.

For Crying Out Loud Wait Until January, At Least

2007-11-27T13:22:00.000-05:00

Obviously, mainstream hockey columnists are running out of ideas. Take, for instance, the recent glut of features at ESPN doling out the hardware this early in the season.

I kind of understand a mid-season piece on potential trophy winners, but it's not mid-season. Hell, it's just barely quarter-season. Most teams haven't played 25 games yet, but already the big wigs at the Four Letter are already tossing out the shiny bits like doing so means a damn thing whatsoever. There's even a poll so fans can chime in with their equally meaningless projections. I voted for Kipper for both the Hart and the Vezina. Not gonna happen.

And sure, George Johnson, I agree that Vincent Lecavalier has had a great start to his season, but he's still got almost 60 games left to play, and his team is above only basement-dwelling Washington in the Southeast Division standings. A lot could still happen, genius.

Can we at least wait until the All Star Game to start this meaningless exercise? Seriouslah.

Don't Hire The Maple Leafs As Your Financial Advisor

2007-11-26T15:28:00.000-05:00

Why did nobody tell me the Maple Leafs are paying Pavel Kubina $5 million a year? Why did David Amber have to clue me in late last week with his column about over-priced players?

Just look at the photo above. The asshole bought a Ferrari.

Seriously, Pavel Kubina? $5 million a year?! Sure, he's having a decent season so far, but it's not like he's Scott Niedermayer or anybody like that. Kubina is a career -85, and that includes his time on the Cup-winning Tampa Bay Lightning. Speaking of which, that's about as close to the Cup that most of the Maple Leafs are ever going to come.

Blame Kubina's salary, or his Ferrari.

Nobody Likes A Show Off

2007-11-26T11:27:00.000-05:00

photo courtesy of AP
The Dallas Stars sure have it rough. While some teams in the NHL barely have one serviceable starting goaltender, the Stars have the unique burden of having two much-more-than-just-serviceable (some would say "superb") netminders backing them up. Boo hoo.

Marty Turco, the starter for the Stars the past few seasons, is a great goalie. There's no question about that. His extended duel with Roberto Luongo in last year's playoffs is now the stuff of legend. But Turco, as great as he is, may actually be fighting for his job against some young punk named Smith. Mike Smith.

That's right, the owner of the Most Boring Name In The NHL, Smith is proving himself to be just as amazing as Dallas fans have claimed. He's won his last four starts and has a very impressive 2.19 GAA and .916 save percentage. Oh, and last night, he made 39 saves against the Rangers.

The Stars currently lead the Pacific Division and look to be solidifying their lead on the backs of two star goalies. And that is why I hate them.

Briere To Critics: STFU

2007-11-22T09:34:00.000-05:00

photo courtesy of Gerry Broome/AP
When he signed an eight-year, $52 million free agent contract with the Flyers over the summer, hockey talking heads were apprehensive. That much money for a guy who's only 5-9, 175-pounds? That much for a guy who'd only had a couple of really good years in Buffalo? Briere instead of Chris Drury?

Well, the Flyers didn't sweat it, and now they look like friggin' geniuses.

Briere scored a hat trick and an assist in the Flyers' 6-3 crushing of a very, very good Carolina Hurricanes team last night. Danny Boy now has 10 goals and 24 points in 20 games, and his team is second in the Atlantic Division with 25 points and a 12-7-1 record.

Former teammate Chris "Avalanche Ex-Girlfriend" Drury, on the other hand, has just 13 points (three goals) in 21 games. Though the Rangers are playing very well and lead the Flyers in the standings by two points, Briere is looking like the better free agent deal, by far.

Briere says his critics can suck it. They'll probably have to kneel down pretty low.

Gratuitous Tuesday!!

2007-11-20T08:30:00.000-05:00

I'm not really a fan of country music rising star Kellie Pickler (pictured to the right while at the American Music Awards), but I do wholly support her dumping Predators antagonizer Jordin Tootoo. That guy is a jerk, but in a "Sean Avery Lite" kind of way. I'm glad that Ms. Pickler is free to pursue other romantic possibilities. As in, me.

In other critically important news, Mike Comrie's much better half Hilary Duff has been all over the news lately, as usual. Near the beginning of the month she was seen being a very, very bad girl, providing young Mike with a series of very public lap dances, albeit fully clothed lap dances. Clearly impressed with her talents, Mike was then seen shopping for an engagement ring (under "Quick Hits"). Everybody knows that dating for six months is by far enough time to decide you want to marry someone.

Then, in the past day or so, Duff was seen at the Hollywood celebrity trash hole Hyde, hanging with friends until being "escorted out of the club" by an apparent buddy of Comrie's, whatever that means. This wouldn't be worth mentioning if Elisha Cuthbert wasn't also at Hyde that night, god bless her. I'm not sure what she's doing hanging out with fire crotch Shaun White, but I assume it's just for tips on snowboarding or something. And I won't even justify the rumors she's still messing around with Sean Avery. Elisha, please come home now.

Hurting Other Players On Purpose Is Awesome

2007-11-19T13:24:00.000-05:00

photo of a whiny baby courtesy of Jeff Vinnick/Getty
Man, have you heard about the coolest new trend in the National Hockey League? It's called "illegal play with intent to injure," and all the kids are doing it. Sure, if you get caught you get a time-out, like those three Flyers players. And Chris Simon got a pretty long suspension for hitting some guy in the face with his stick, but Simon's a cool guy and that other loser needs to toughen up.

And really, I don't know why Mikko Koivu doesn't just get over it. He threw an elbow first, so getting a samurai chop to the leg with a hard ass hockey stick should have been expected, even if it did cause a fracture. What a baby.

Welcome to the "New NHL," kids. Quit complaining and get used to it.

Jose Theodore Imitates A Snowman In August

2007-11-17T00:05:00.001-05:00

photo courtesy of Matt Slocum/AP
Jose Theodore almost had everyone fooled. He managed to play very well for four games straight, as the Colorado Avalanche built up a decent early-season record of 11-5-2, while splitting the team's goaltending duties with the historically more consistent Peter Budaj.

Until last night against the Dallas Stars, that is.

In a meltdown of epic proportions, Theodore revealed his true form, the same sucky form he had last year, the year before and the year before that. Everyone was waiting for it; everyone knew it was coming. It was just a matter of when. Well, when is now.

Part of a 6-1 rout, Theodore gave up five goals on fifteen shots before being pulled in the middle of the second period. Theodore then instantly became a puddle on the Avalanche bench, leaving behind only a baseball hat and a bottle of Propecia. And a love note from Paris Hilton.

Laraque Tries To Kill Puck, Accidentally Scores Goal

2007-11-16T08:37:00.000-05:00

Georges Laraque, the massive, intimidating enforcer for the Pittsburgh Penguins, was just trying to do his job. He is the hired "protector" of superstar Sidney Crosby, and he's good at it. Arguably the most dangerous NHL "heavyweight" since Bob Probert, Laraque is well-known for his pugilistic superiority.

Last night, Laraque was on the ice in the second period with Crosby, keeping the opposing Islanders players in check when suddenly he noticed something fishy.

"Georges was just skating around and noticed something attached to Sid's stick," said a Penguins teammate who requested to remain anonymous. "He wasn't sure what it was, but it seemed to be annoying Sid because he kept batting it around on the ice. Georges then watched as the little object suddenly turned and came straight for him. All he did was hit at it, trying to beat it up, but he knocked it into the net instead and a big horn sounded!"

Laraque, not realizing that he was actually hitting a hockey puck instead of an opposing player's face, inadvertently scored the game-winning goal for the Penguins. The goal was his first in 40 games, proving that he is a true asset to a team struggling to win games on a regular basis. The victory was the first in five games for Pittsburgh.

Barry Bonds Has Nothing To Do With Hockey At All

2007-11-15T18:31:00.000-05:00

But I'll be damned if I don't get in on the Google search orgy that will ensue from his announced indictment on perjury and obstruction of justice charges.

Not that this surprises anyone, of course, but it sure is big news on ESPN and just about every other news outlet in the country. And we all know how much Bonds really likes the press to begin with. I bet he's loving all this free publicity.

Anyway, he has nothing to do with hockey except maybe having a larger head than Mark Messier. But just barely.

Vancouver Canucks Barely Out-Suck The Edmonton Oilers

2007-11-15T06:33:00.000-05:00

photo courtesy of Jonathan Hayward/AP
The Vancouver Canucks were barely able to surpass the lousiness of their Northwest Division rival Edmonton Oilers last night, losing a scoreless game in a shootout, 1-0.

Losing to an offensively-retarded team that only managed 19 shots on goal---most of them weak and easy to stop---is a tall order, but the Canucks were able to make it happen, rewarding the hard work of goalie Roberto Luongo with another pathetic defeat. Sure, they earned a point by dragging the game to overtime, but at least they still failed to score a goal in regulation.

"It's tough to go out there every night and not score a single point, but sometimes we get it done," said an anonymous Canucks player rumored to be center Henrik Sedin. "Roberto looked great out there tonight, so we had no choice but to give him absolutely no scoring support. That's the kind of teammates we are."

The Oilers, on the other hand, gained two points on the Minnesota Wild, who are in second place in the Northwest and who Edmonton plays tonight. This matchup will prove to be another exciting, scoreless game filled with frustrating neutral zone traps and toothless, uncoordinated offensive attacks. Western Conference hockey at its very best!

Hartley Rewarded For Hard Work As Coach Of Lousy Team

2007-10-17T13:29:00.000-04:00

Bob Hartley is not a bad coach. He won a Stanley Cup with the Colorado Avalanche back in 2001, so obviously he has talent behind the bench. But, looking at the lineup of that team, even Wayne Gretzky could have coached the Avs to a championship.

I kid the Great One, I kid.

But back to Hartley, today the Atlanta Thrashers fired his ass because they haven't managed to win a game yet this season---the only winless team in the entire NHL. It's not uncommon for a hockey team to fire their coach when they can't win any games. But is it really Hartley's fault? The team isn't exactly stacked with talent. It's not exactly stacked with anything except a bunch of guys who are either too old to still be playing or belong in the AHL. Hossa and Kovalchuk are pretty good, but Hossa's injured. One guy can't carry an entire team.

So, is it fair to fire a coach when the front office doesn't give him all that much to work with? Hartley has proven in the past that when given a lineup almost totally filled with All-Stars, he can win a Cup. Why is it so hard for Atlanta to provide that for him?

Bear With Me

2007-10-15T20:45:00.000-04:00

Due to a severe lack of spare time, and my contractual obligation to keep Mile High Hockey up-to-date and as active as possible, Dear Lord Stanley will be taking ~~a week~~ two days or so off---not that it hasn't kind of done that already.

Bear with me while I pull my head out of my ass and get things together. Thanks.

Gratuitous Tuesday

2007-10-09T07:07:00.000-04:00

The Flames could use some serious cheerleading after going 0-1-1 in their first two games under new coach "Iron" Mike Keenan. Even worse, both games were at home, where Calgary is usually very strong. Scott Burnside lays it out for us in the final paragraph of this article.

On the opposite end of the luck spectrum, enjoying some of the best of his life, Mike Comrie continues to have a big impact on his New York Islanders team. In the first two games of the season, Comrie scored two goals, including two game-winners. Things must be going really well for him these days. Though he didn't get a goal against the Capitals last night, Mikie Poo is still playing really well. I bet there's something (or someone) to blame for all of his strong play lately.

Finally, it's been known for a week now that former American Idol cast member Kellie Pickler has broken it off with Predators ~~douche bag~~ enforcer Jordin Tootoo. But her luck as a single girl isn't turning out like she probably planned. She's getting some action, sure, but in all the wrong places. Hang in there, Kellie, hang in there.

My door is always open, except when Elisha is over.

Paul Stastny Asks, Who's YOUR Daddy?

2007-10-07T22:49:00.001-04:00

Paul Stastny has quite a legacy to live up to. His dad, Hall of Fame player for the Quebec Nordiques (with a brief stint on the Devils), was Peter Stastny.

Who's Sidney Crosby's dad? Is he in the Hall? I think not.

Though it's obviously a tall order, Stastny doesn't seem to be having any trouble following in his dad's footsteps. Last season, he finished second in the Calder voting for Rookie Of The Year (behind some kid named Malkin). This season, well, he's doing slightly better.

Stastny scored five points (1g, 4a) against the San Jose Sharks on Sunday night, which, combined with his hat trick in the first game of the season for his Colorado Avalanche team, brings him to eight total for the year. In three games.

In case you're bad at math, Son Of Stastny (as I call him) is on pace to score 219 points this season. I can see absolutely no reason why he wouldn't do so. It would only be a three-fold increase of his point total from last season, which is completely normal for a second-year player. Oh, and 219 points would set a new record, replacing some other guy with a "y" at the end of his name.

Son Of Stastny will not be denied.

Roenick Defies Critics, Geritol Addiction, Scores Two Goals For Sharks

2007-10-06T07:17:00.000-04:00

photo courtesy of Richard Lam/AP
Jeremy Roenick still hasn't gotten the memo. He's too old to still be playing hockey in the NHL. Everybody seems to understand this but him.

On the same night that fellow AARP member Bill Guerin scored three assists for the Islanders, Roenick led his new team, the Sharks, to a 3-1 win over the Vancouver Canucks by scoring two goals. Both were against Roberto Luongo (the most perfect goaltender in history, EVER), in case the significance hasn't yet set in for you.

The goals were Roenicks' 496th and 497th overall. If he were to score three more, he would become only the third American-born player to reach the milestone of 500, following Joe Mullen and Mike "don't call me Willa's bitch" Modano. Retirement communities around the country are no doubt rooting hard for Jeremy.

Crosby Fails To Score In First Penguins Game, Considers Seppuku

2007-10-06T07:01:00.000-04:00

photo courtesy of Gerry Broome/AP
If Sidney Crosby fails to score at least 200 points this season, the world could very well end. The seas could boil, the skies could fall, and the Earth could reverse its natural rotation.

Knowing that he'll never really be considered a decent player unless he surpasses Wayne Gretzky's dozens of NHL records, rumor has it that Crosby is severely traumatized by his failure to score a single point in his team's loss to the Carolina Hurricanes yesterday. Reliable sources (these two homeless guys I gave a quarter to on the street) report that Crosby is considering Japanese ritual suicide should he fail to score at least an assist in the next game he plays.

It's unfortunate, but that's really the only option Crosby has. If he fails to fulfill the endless hype and expectations placed upon him by the hockey media, well, he might as well just stop living.

Get On With It!

2007-10-02T19:06:00.000-04:00

All that London bullsh-t aside, the NHL season gets started tomorrow night. I've got my subscription to Center Ice Online, various refreshments, my game-time apparel and my alternative outfit if the first one gets overly soiled---you know, from the beer. Or whatever.

Now all I need is a nice group of young, attractive ladies to watch the games with. Oh, wait, I meant these ladies. Oops.

Because I'm so excited about the upcoming season, I'm not doing a Gratuitous Tuesday post this week. There's just too many other things to think about than some cheap, skanky, totally inappropriate pictures posted for no reason whatsoever. I'm not going to stoop that low this time. No sir.

So get ready for the season to get going, and look out for the best year ever from Dear Lord Stanley. Or, if not the best, at least the most likely to get you fired from your job.

Avalanche Bloggers Have Too Much Spare Time

2007-10-01T18:57:00.000-04:00

The numerous and talented Avalanche bloggers on this here net of inters have combined forces. The result, the first ever Avalanche Blogger Roundtable. Nine blogs, eleven bloggers, and the answers to eight important questions you probably never thought to ask about the best team in the NHL.

The center of all the action is my other blog (the good one), Mile High Hockey.

Be sure to check it out. You've got nothing better to do, right?

Learn Almost Nothing New About Me

2007-09-28T07:25:00.000-04:00

I was asked to do a quick "interview" (more like a questionnaire) for a site called BlogInterviewer.com. If you're interested, check it out here.

It will take you all of about two seconds to read.

Then give me the "thumbs up" rating and go about your business.

Bill Wirtz Makes Me Feel Like An Ass

2007-09-26T18:02:00.000-04:00

Two days ago, in a blog post about Patrick "Gretzky" Kane's loose lips, I made a reference to the Blackhawks as "undeniably the worst-run and least-promising franchise" in the entire NHL.

Today, Blackhawks owner Bill Wirtz died of cancer.

Now I feel like an ass.

It's not that I'm wrong, the Blackhawks really ARE the worst-run, least-promising franchise in the entire NHL. And it's also true that Wirtz was a really terrible hockey owner, a guy that tried to run a sports team like a Wal-Mart---spend nothing on the people that work there and desperately cling to the bottom line. It works for discount superstores, but not for NHL franchises. Wirtz destroyed what once was a great and glorious tradition in Chicago.

But Wirtz wasn't just a hockey owner, he was also a really generous philanthropist. While he wrung the Blackhawks free of talent and fans with his spendthrift ways, he instead spent money doing what really matters---helping other people.

So rest in peace, Dollar Bill. Let's hope your charity work continues on in your absence, and let's hope the Blackhawks someday recover from your presence.
And let's hope Patrick Kane learns to keep his mouth shut.

Gratuitous Tuesday: In The Duff

2007-09-25T06:51:00.001-04:00

If there's one thing everybody in the entire world knows to be true, it's this: young, attractive, filthy rich celebrities really NEED very expensive presents from other rich celebrities.

Case in point: young Hilary Duff just celebrated her 20th birthday (god bless her) and her filthy rich boyfriend Mike Comrie came up big (so to speak). Obviously in the giving mood, he sprung (sorry) for a pretty impressive present. If there's one thing a 20 year-old girl needs more than anything else in the world, it's a $100,000 Mercedes SUV. If anyone can really appreciate the value of something like that, it's an almost-still-a-teen pop princess.

Anyway, it's not all glamor and fun in the world of Duffrie™ though (trademark Dear Lord Stanley 2007). No, sometimes they have to slum it out and get their hands dirty. Sometimes Hilary has to sit in the stands at Islanders games and watch Mikie Poo and his teammates duke it out with the entire Rangers team. And then watch him score the game-winner. What a tough life.

Let's just hope Hilary plays it safe in that new ride of hers. We wouldn't want to see her do something she'll probably regret.

I'd hate that.

Patrick Kane Is Humble

2007-09-24T23:51:00.000-04:00

Look, Greg at the Fanhouse may take issue with Patrick Kane comparing himself and fellow Blackhawks teammate Jonathan "Broken" Toews to Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen, but not me. I think Kane was right on.

Yes, it's true that Jordan and Pippen won multiple national championships with the Bulls and became icons through a ton of hard work and dedication to success over the course of long NBA careers. Yes, it's also true that Toews and Kane have yet to play a single regular season game in the NHL. And yes, it's absolutely true that the young superstars-in-the-making will be suiting up for what is undeniably the worst-run and least-promising franchise in the entire league. But you just can't argue with a statement like that.

Patrick Kane, welcome to the NHL. You may not have actually played in it yet, but you're already well on your way to filling the very large shoes former 'Hawk Jeremy Roenick still refuses to take off.

Lightning Struck By Freak Injury

2007-09-23T13:01:00.000-04:00

Dan Boyle, the high-scoring, highly-effective defensive star of the Tampa Bay Lightning won't be scoring any more goals for a little while. In a brief lapse of attention, he managed to drop a skate on himself in the locker room, cutting a tendon in his wrist.

Now he'll need surgery and rehab time.

Oops.

In other cheerful news for the Lightning, they lost their pre-season game against the Capitals and Vincent Lecavalier, their 50 goal-scorer, left early with one of those pesky "undisclosed upper body" injuries. Not good.

I have a feeling they'll be losing a lot more games to the Capitals if this injury bug keeps up. It could only get worse for the Lightning if Martin St. Louis hits his head walking under a locker room bench.

Breaking: As In, His Finger - Toews Out

2007-09-20T13:20:00.000-04:00

Jonathan "Stubby" Toews, the Blackhawks' super prospect and god among men, won't be playing any hockey for about three weeks. The genius managed to break his index finger in last night's pre-season game against the Blue Jackets (the 'Hawks lost 4-3).

That's a bummer for Chicago in a season that will likely be more or less horrible no matter what. They're doomed. Might as well just admit it, kill Toews as a sacrifice to the Hockey Gods, and move on.

The quicker the better.

Breaking: Jonathan Toews Scores First Ever NHL Goal OMG WTF

2007-09-18T21:20:00.000-04:00

photo courtesy Terry Gilliam/AP. No, not the same guy.
OMG! OMG! OMG!

Sure, it's not really a goal because it's just the pre-season, but uber-prospect Jonathan Toews has scored his first ever goal against another team that also plays in the NHL. As of this moment, his Chicago Blackhawks are leading the Blue Jackets 4-2 in the third period.

Holy crap he's the second coming of Sidney Crosby, I just freakin' know it!

Gratuitous Tuesday

2007-09-18T21:08:00.000-04:00

I've got nothing today. Take this, you pervs:

Polish hockey player Krzysztof Oliwa courtesy of RobertLaska.com

NHL Owners Eager To Discuss Further Ruining Of The League

2007-09-18T06:57:00.000-04:00

Get the coffee and the donuts ready, there's gonna be a meetin'! The NHL owners will meet today in the NHL's Board Of Governors meeting in Chicago. What better place to discuss ruining the league even more than in a city that boasts a ruined hockey franchise? These metaphors write themselves, people.

The big topic on the agenda will be the ludicrous scheduling format the league has endured for two years and that will run its course again this season. Last year the move to drop the format lost by one vote, and Eastern Conference teams generally favor the division-heavy set up. Because they're incredibly selfless, those teams will likely vote in favor of keeping the format once again. The owners won't actually vote on it until December, though.

Also to be discussed: league expansion. Just when you thought things couldn't get any dumber in Nashville, just wait until the league sets up shop in Kansas City and Las Vegas. Even though other cities like Seattle and Winnipeg will also be brought up, my money is on Gary Bettman granting franchises in stupid places rather than smart places. That's just how he rolls, ya'll.

Maybe while they're at it, the owners could widen the goals, change the jerseys again and maybe strike a television rights deal with Versus for another decade. Why stop at expansion and bad scheduling?

New Uniforms: Toronto Sticks To Tradition, Colorado Screws The Pooch

2007-09-13T07:04:00.000-04:00

Well, there were two RBK Edge "uniform system" unveilings yesterday, with one being a minor success and the other an unmitigated disaster.

First of all, let me congratulate the five of the Original Six for their conservative approach to the new jersey designs. Sure, some would argue that the past is boring, but the past is what gives all professional sports the meaning they have. That and steroids. But mostly it's a respect for tradition that ties fans together and gives a sport its cultural weight. Boston, the Rangers, Detroit, Montreal and now Toronto have all maintained their uniform traditions with subtle, hard-to-notice changes to old-school looks. Response among Maple Leafs fans has been generally positive so far. The Blackhawks, the only team that could conceivably ruin the streak, release their new look tomorrow on September 14th. Let's hope for the best.

On the flip side is the Colorado Avalanche. They screwed up big time. Like Florida, Nashville and the Islanders before them, they went in an entirely wrong direction with the new look of their uniforms. For a complete breakdown, check out my post at Mile High Hockey. It's a bloodbath, let me warn you.

There are still eleven teams to reveal their new looks. Let's hope for the best but expect the worst---something, say, Blackhawks fans will have no trouble with.

Gratuitous Tuesday Returns!

2007-09-11T06:37:00.000-04:00

It's been so long. I hope we're never apart like this ever again.

First off, Willa Ford has graduated from the lower ranks of "hockey girlfriend" to the higher echelon of "hockey wife" by finally marrying Mike Modano. That's great for her, but what is he going to do when all that Playboyity wears off of her? Poor guy. At any rate, at least the wedding spawned some horrendous celebrity web site headlines. Gross.

Hilary Duff, current owner of Mike Comrie's manhood, decided to avoid all the hub bub in Las Vegas during the MTV Music Awards and instead took refuge in Toronto, where all celebrities go to get nasty when Vegas just won't do.

In legal news, Rich Tocchet got two years of probation for being a bookie douche bag, but his alleged partner/confidant/gambling buddy Janet Jones-Gretzky was never in any danger of being charged. That's great for her, and keeps her steroid-loving husband happy, too.

Finally, Mats Sundin has a hot new girlfriend, and apparently it's huge news to the Toronto Sun, just like it should be. Nothing is more important than how somebody's short-term trophy girlfriend looks in a hoodie and sweat pants. Rowr!!

Jeremy Roenick Reluctantly Bows To Unending Demand He Keep Playing

2007-09-04T18:46:00.001-04:00

photo courtesy of
BarryMelroseRocks

Jeremy Roenick retired earlier this summer. Then today, he unretired. That's how he rolls, get used to it.

Roenick, who put up a truly dominant performance last season with the Phoenix Coyotes (70 games, 28 points), could no longer resist the unceasing calls for him to stay just one more season in the NHL. He has signed a one-year deal with the San Jose Sharks, who apparently no longer have any interest in finding young, talented players.

Roenick used to be good. Not only did he score a lot of goals, he also caused a video game sensation by being the best player by far on the hallowed Sega Genesis game NHL '94. Even with a humble 87 rating, he crushed the opposition and scored at will. I can't count the number of times I broke Wayne Gretzky's skull with a Jeremy Roenick elbow check and made Curtis Joseph look stupid with a ridiculous breakaway deke.

Those were the days when Roenick was a hockey god. Now, not so much.

All he really has going for himself now is a legacy of loud-mouthed buffoonery and silly antics. Granted, Roenick's got about 15,000 times more personality than anybody currently playing in the NHL (other than Captain Charisma himself, Sidney Crosby). After he drops dead on the ice sometime in late November he'll truly be missed. By somebody I'm sure.

NOTE: Due to the Labor Day holiday, there will be no Gratuitous Tuesday post this week. Unless I suddenly become far more mature in the next seven days, that feature will resume as normal next week.

Turgeon To Shock The Hockey World With Official Retirement

2007-09-04T18:35:00.000-04:00

Even though the Denver Post reported that Pierre Turgeon was on the cusp of announcing his official retirement from the NHL back in June, it appears the would-be Hall of Famer has finally gotten around to it.

According to various sources, Turgeon will officially announce the end of his hockey career on Wednesday.

Though he did score 1,327 points in 1,294 games, his lack of a Stanley Cup ring and any substantial hardware other than a Lady Byng has some wondering if he'll make the Hall Of Fame cut. I'm sure he will, but just in case, I offer this trophy as a parting gift. Nice knowing you, Sweet Pete.

The World's Tiniest Violin Plays Just For John Tavares

2007-09-04T07:02:00.000-04:00

photo courtesy Jeff McIntosh

Poor John Tavares.

Because his birthday is September 20th, the young hockey standout won't qualify for the 2008 NHL Entry Draft---he'll be five days short of his 18th birthday on the league's qualification date of September 15th and therefore ineligible.

Sure he's still just 16, and yeah, it's conceivable that his development as a top-tier hockey player has barely even begun, but Tavares wants to be drafted NOW. He just can't handle the idea of having to wait like anyone else in his position.

"I'm seeing all my peers get drafted and get experience at NHL camps and learning and getting better,'' he said. ''For me, I've still got to wait two years with players who haven't yet played a game in the OHL or the CHL yet."

How horrible it must be to have to endure those pathetic plebes who fill the junior ranks simply because they had the misfortune of being a couple of years behind Tavares. Those pathetic children aren't fit to clean his skates.

To free him of the horrible confines of the junior leagues, Tavares' agent Bryan Deasley is seeking for his client an exception to the NHL Draft rules. If granted, Tavares will be allowed to enter the 2008 NHL Draft, a year earlier than anyone else with his birth date.

But don't be fooled into thinking that Tavares and his agent want to help other players with the same birthday-related misfortune as him make an early Draft appearance as well. No no. They just want special treatment for John.

''We are not looking for anything other than an exceptional status consideration from the league,'' [Deasley] said. ''Every once in a while a player comes along that compels us to look at things more clearly and differently - outside the box.''

And in case you're slow, that rare player is none other than Tavares, of course.

Now, I understand that John Tavares is a good hockey player, and he could one day be truly great. But the little brat is just 16, and has a long way to go until he starts taking Chris Pronger elbows to the head. He's still a kid, and obviously a bratty one at that. Having to wait a couple more years before cashing in his first big signing bonus won't kill him.

Pavel Bure Wins Soccer Hooligan Impersonation Case

2007-09-02T10:39:00.000-04:00

Dear Lord Stanley is a big fan of Pavel Bure. He's A-OK.

But those dirty bastards at British Airways don't recognize the grand legacy of embarrassed goalies he left back on the ice of so many North American hockey rinks. In fact, they don't recognize him at all. Last October, Bure was barred from boarding a flight from Moscow to London because the pilot believed him to be a soccer hooligan.

Though I'm unfamiliar with the intricacies of British Airways passenger profiling techniques (here in America we only bar people who look Arabic), I imagine the pilot was just a little paranoid in his assumption that Bure was on his way to England to throw chairs and break bottles over the heads of Manchester United supporters. But you never know.

Anyway, a Moscow district court ruled in favor of Bure, awarding him 67,000 rubles for his troubles, which British Airways will now have to pay, even though they weren't represented at the hearing because their lawyer was sick. Or maybe poisoned. Such is the legal system of Russia, it seems.

At any rate, Dear Lord Stanley congratulates Bure on his victory and hopes he will use the money to buy a new knee so he can come back and play in the NHL.

Be Still My Beating...Uh...Heart

2007-08-29T07:33:00.000-04:00

It was very tempting. Yesterday was Tuesday, which, as many of you know, is the day I toss all class aside and gratuitously post pictures of scantily clad women, combined with links about hockey girlfriends and other related meaninglessness.

Well, yesterday, I had to take a break out of respect for my ex-girlfriend, who is also now Sean Avery's ex-girlfriend. If I want to win her back, I really need to clean up my act and look respectable. And maybe get a job. And some money.

I'll have to take it one step at a time.

Anyway, if she still isn't returning my phone calls by next Tuesday, I guess I'll just have to go back to my old dirty ways. Let's hope she's just lost her cell phone or her voicemail is broken. I hear it's entirely possible that 1400 messages in 12 hours can do that---not that I know how that might have happened.

Bert Prepares For Civil Reaming

2007-08-27T06:40:00.000-04:00

Sure, a two-year, $8 million dollar contract sounds nice, but Todd Bertuzzi isn't quite high on life yet. There's one little thing left for him to think about: the civil suit against him from former Avalanche player Steve Moore.

You may remember Moore from his only on-ice highlight reel, the one where he got punched from behind then pushed to the ice face-first, his neck broken and his life nearly over.

You may also remember Bertuzzi from a significant highlight reel from his career, the one where he works up some fake tears and a fake apology for almost killing another NHL player in front of thousands of people.

Though long delayed, the Moore suit against "Bert" is proceeding, and is expected to start in the coming months. With video evidence like this, it doesn't look too good for Brian Burke's favorite son.

Daydreamin' Terry

2007-08-24T07:07:00.000-04:00

Don't hold your breath, Terry. Don't hold your breath.

photo courtesy Predators.com

Will Bettman Bet It All On Las Vegas?

2007-08-22T21:43:00.001-04:00

photo courtesy SharksPage.com
When I hear the name Las Vegas, the very first thought that comes to my mind is hockey. The hot weather, the complete lack of snowfall, the legalized and rampant gambling...how could a person NOT think about the National Hockey League when they think about Las Vegas?

In an effort to satisfy the panicked frenzy for hockey among local residents, Harrah's (the casino and hotel giant) is selflessly planning to construct a brand new arena just off the Vegas Strip by 2010. It's not about money. They just want the puck-crazed populace of Sin City to be happy.

What's curious about the stadium plan is where it will be located. Despite being only one block east of the Strip, the black heart and twisted soul of Las Vegas, it will actually be outside city limits, thus crushing the mayor's dreams of having a "downtown" arena. Like Vegas has a downtown anyway.

Gary Bettman's plans won't be crushed, though. He's no doubt happier than a pig in, well, you know what. After all, nothing could be more in line with his grand vision of never-ending NHL expansion than a major league ice hockey team based in a city that has no winter, no local water supply nor any significant precipitation at all, let alone snow. How could that possibly be a bad idea?

If they need a good name for the team, I have a suggestion: The Craps.

Gratuitous Tuesday: CuthDuff Edition

2007-08-21T19:04:00.000-04:00

As per usual, not much is going on in the world of professional hockey these days. The offseason is in full-swing, ESPN keeps posting stupid articles that you have to pay to read and the Nashville Predators are still screwed.

Speaking of screwing things, Elisha Cuthbert was in the news recently, having just signed on to play Tim Allen's daughter in a movie about a serial monogamist whose apparent death creates a firestorm among the females in and out of his life. That doesn't really have anything to do with hockey, but this does. The UK tabloid website Holy Moly quotes Cuthbert talking about hockey blogging and then immediately mocks her for it. How they managed to mock hockey AND my future wife in the same sentence is both impossible to understand and impossible to forgive. Holy Moly, this means war.

Oh, and in the world of puck bunny Hilary Duff, it appears that the press in India---of all places---has become really obsessed with her lately. Weird.

Players Diss NHL, Head For Europe

2007-08-19T23:47:00.000-04:00

What's the hottest trend among some NHL players right now? Not playing in the NHL.

This offseason, several players of varying name recognition have decided to take their show on the road---the long road across the Atlantic to Europe, that is.

For the most part it's been players nobody seems to want, like Alexei Yashin and Ed Belfour, guys with no takers during the free agent signing period.

But also on the list of defectors is Alexander Svitov, the young Russian center who recently signed a new two-year contract with the Columbus Blue Jackets. Apparently the word "contract" has a slightly different meaning in his language, because Svitov has also just signed on to play for his hometown Russian Super League team Avangard Omsk. Either he's going to have the most intense travel itinerary known to man or the Blue Jackets are going to have to find themselves a new center.

New Jackets GM Scott Howson reacted by saying:

"While this news comes as a disappointment, it creates an opportunity for other players when we open training camp next month."

Yeah, the opportunity to play on a lousy team with no hope of making the playoffs EVER. Thanks, Alex!

Gratuitous Tuesday (Two Days Late)

2007-08-16T06:35:00.000-04:00

Yeah, I know. It's Thursday. I said last Tuesday I was going to post more pictures of nice, respectable women wearing hockey-related clothing (or barely wearing it) and I totally slacked. I had every intention of making it a new Tuesday tradition (at least during the off season) and I failed miserably. I can't even be petty and tactless on a regular basis.

I promise, in the future, to be more consistent in my posting of young female hockey fans showing their team spirit. I know that's what you want. And sure, With Leather already does something like that and I'm totally stealing their idea, but I swear the pictures I post will always be hockey related, so that makes what I'm doing totally different. Totally different.

Oh yeah, links. You probably want links, too, don't you? Well, here's a good one:

The venerable sports blog Our Book Of Scrap is running a tourney pitting the hottest sports wives and girlfriends against each other to determine who is the hottest of them all. This week they're featuring a semi-final battle royale between the two reigning queens of Puck Bunnydom: Willa Ford and my ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert. You know who I voted for.

Hockey Bloggers Are Sarcastic

2007-08-15T15:58:00.001-04:00

Barry Melrose Rocks posted "A Handy Guide For Beginners: Hockey Blogging" on Monday and it's definitely worth a read. I have to admit that DLS is guilty of at least three of the things snidely listed as common themes among hockey blogs. The Ballhype links, the funny captions (or word bubbles, in my case) and the random chicks. What can I say? Guilty as charged.

I must say I'm honored to be indirectly called out by a blog whose name pays homage to Mr. Melrose's testicles. That is what the word "rocks" means, right?

Pardon The Boredom

2007-08-14T19:34:00.000-04:00

There just isn't a lot to be cynical about in the hockey world right now, with the ongoing league-wide ban on interesting news still, apparently, in full effect. When the NHL gives me something to roll my eyes at, I'll start posting again.

Until then, everyone should get a new hobby like I did. Dancing.

Bobby Orr Needs A Movie

2007-08-08T12:54:00.000-04:00

The greatest athletes in professional sports eventually get movies made about them. Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, Jim Thorpe, Tiger Woods, Muhammad Ali, etc. Make a big enough impression on your respective sport, some day you'll get a biopic in your name.

It's high time we saw a movie about Bobby Orr.

Statistically, Wayne Gretzky was the greatest hockey player of all time, but hockey fans know, deep down, that the title of "The Greatest" really belongs to Bobby Orr. In the current NHL, where defensemen either shoot all the time or defend all the time (never both), a true two-way player like Orr no longer exists. Ray Bourque may have been the last of that rare breed. Orr transcended all positions, and revolutionized the game long before Gretzky ever came around.

So, it's obvious Bobby Orr needs a movie. A big movie, a Hollywood blockbuster to draw in American fans and really pump interest in the sad but hopeful NHL.

The obvious question: who would play Orr?

In order to ensure box office success, it would have to be a popular, youngish superstar, healthy enough to play a convincing athlete but still relatively good-looking to pull in the ladies. The obvious choice? Matt Damon.

Matt Damon is not only the hottest commodity in Hollywood right now, but he happens to look a hell of a lot like Bobby Orr. Damon has boyish good looks much like Orr did throughout his career. Rowr. And of course, Damon is also very athletic, which would make portraying a super-skilled hockey player like Orr all the easier.

So, it's clear: Bobby Orr needs a movie and Matt Damon needs to play Bobby Orr. How could that possibly be a bad idea?

As you go to ponder my true genius for a while, I leave you with this, a great example of Bobby Orr's genius on the ice, both offensively and defensively. Truly the greatest hockey player ever.

Random News Tuesday

2007-08-07T06:31:00.000-04:00

It's Tuesday, so it's time again for a random picture of a nice young lady showing (among other things) her support for a National Hockey League team.

In other news:

A recent convert to the Puck Bunny lifestyle, Hilary Duff has been spotted in Edmonton of all places, this time serving food at a homeless shelter. That's all well and good, Hil, but I'd prefer you got back to taking photos like these. Which is the true service to mankind? I think we all know the answer to that.

Ducks goalie and recent Stanley Cup winner Jean-Sebastian Giguere is now recovering from sports hernia surgery. As a recent recipient of hernia surgery myself (true story), I can say that he'll be in no small amount of pain for at least a few days. After that he can resume whatever unsafe physical activity caused the problem in the first place, just like I have.

And finally, Kevin Lowe is still a dick.

Lowe And Behold: Brooks Comes To Edmonton GM's Defense

2007-08-06T16:54:00.000-04:00

Edmonton Oilers general manager Kevin Lowe has grabbed headlines this summer for his outrageous restricted free agent offer sheets. First he targeted Thomas Vanek of the Sabres, to no avail. Then he tossed $21 million at Dustin Penner of the Anaheim Ducks, knowing that team was up against the salary cap and probably couldn't afford to match the inflated, totally ridiculous terms.

Sure, Lowe and Edmonton get a talented young player in Penner, but at the price of $21 million and THREE first round draft picks. Considering the likely poor showing the Oilers will make over the next three seasons due to a serious lack of depth, those picks should be very high, and the upcoming draft pools are slated to be stocked full of talent. The clear winner in this nasty situation is Anaheim.

Is Lowe and idiot? Larry Brooks of the New York Post says "Heck No!":

But the offer sheet to Penner was right out of the Group II, 101A syllabus. Lowe found a player he liked on a team that was up against the hard cap and thus vulnerable. Such a move is not only not outside the spirit of the CBA, it is codified by the labor agreement.

Oh sure, Lowe was not breaking any rules, but he WAS being an idiot. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. Lowe has sacrificed the future of his team for immediate gain---and extremely limited immediate gain at that. The Oilers, even with Penner, still lack depth at all positions and should have no trouble finishing at the bottom of the Northwest Division again this year.

And Brooks seems to gloss over the fact that Lowe specifically targeted the Ducks because of their cap space problem. The move reeks of malicious intent. While that may be okay under the Collective Bargaining Agreement, or even encouraged (parity is king, of course), that doesn't make it a smart decision, nor does it make it popular among other GMs.

Larry Brooks (and the Saskatoon Star Phoenix) can make all the excuses he wants. Kevin Lowe is a dick, and he'll definitely pay for it down the road.

Portrait Of An Artist: Pavel Bure

2007-08-03T12:33:00.000-04:00

It's Friday, it's the off-season, and it's a slow news day. Because of this, I'll take the time to explore a little bit of recent hockey history to pass the time.

The careers of most great artists can be divided into "periods," long or brief spans of time in which they explored different styles and techniques and then moved on to something greater or different. Picasso had, among others, his "Blue Period" and then later his better-known "Analytic Cubism Period." Pollack had his "Springs Period" and later his famous "Drip Period."

If you consider great goal-scorers in the National Hockey League to be artists, then Pavel Bure should be considered the greatest hockey artist of the 1990s. His creativity and skill with a puck outclassed his opponents year in and year out. In two consecutive seasons (1992-93 and 1993-94), the young Bure scored 60 goals with the Vancouver Canucks. In 1997-98, after a lockout and some injury problems, he scored 51.

All great artists must change their surrounding environment sometime, and Bure did just that when he was traded to the Florida Panthers in 1998-99 after refusing to play for Vancouver any longer.

This, his "Florida Period," saw Bure mature as a player and develop into a true scoring phenomenon. In a league dominated by defensive plays like the trap and the collapsing box, Bure had no trouble racking up the points. In 1999-00, he scored 58 goals. In 2000-01, he scored 59 goals and 92 points---on a horrible team where the second-best player, Viktor Kozlov, scored only 37 points.

Bure was a true master. Unfortunately, his career was cut short by chronic knee injuries, and his true potential was never fully realized, despite his career total of 437 goals in 702 games.

In order for everyone to grasp the greatness of Pavel Bure, I submit to you a sample of his work during his superb "Florida Period." Enjoy.

Frei Tells Old Farts: Get The Hell Out!

2007-08-02T16:15:00.000-04:00

Terry Frei, Denver Post and ESPN columnist, has now cast himself as an emperor overseeing a gladiator battle. With the simple gesture of a thumbs-down, Frei can dispatch anyone to instant death.

In this case, he's dispatching hockey players to the death of their careers.

Who makes his hit list? Well, let's say the guys he chose to call out aren't exactly tough to guess:

Eric Lindros
Jeremy Roenick
Patrice Brisebois
Pierre Turgeon
Michael Peca
and Peter Forsberg

Finally somebody has the guts to say Jeremy Roenick should retire. We haven't been hearing those rumors for months already, so Frei's recommendation is really courageous when you think about it.

And Forsberg? Who's that guy? I heard his ankles already retired two years ago.

When Bunnies Attack! Part II

2007-08-02T12:44:00.000-04:00

I have to admit, my original post about the lovely ladies, or "Puck Bunnies," of professional hockey piqued my interest. Well, it piqued something. But in the pursuit of full disclosure, I must confess I was intrigued by the idea of hockey players having groupies. Hockey players are pretty boring, you know.

In my research of the subject, I stumbled across an entire underworld of actual and would-be hockey groupies, a whole Puck Bunny community, dedicated to drooling all over attractive (and unattractive, sorry TooToo) professional hockey players.

For example, there are message boards like Bunny Heaven and Bunnies World, Yahoo Groups like NHL's Hot Hockey Players and even a whole blog.

There is at least one sociological research paper written about Bunnies, though I'm not sure I understand how they can be just a myth since I've written multiple blog posts about them.

And there are even self-described "Puck Bunny Watchers."

All in all, a fascinating subculture of the hockey world. I guess you could label me a "Bunny Watcher" as well, though I prefer "creepy stalker." Has more of a ring to it.

Rangers To Avery: We Hate You, Welcome Back

2007-08-01T15:29:00.000-04:00

Despite badmouthing the crap out of him during arbitration, and having to pay $600k more than they wanted to, the Rangers has signed Sean Avery to a new contract. The calm, mature center went into the hearing seeking a perfectly reasonable $2.6 million salary, but the judge ruled that $1.9 million would be more appropriate. How unfair.

During the announcement of the signing, Rags GM Glen Sather said,

"We are pleased to have Sean under contract and are looking forward to him returning with the same passion and enthusiasm he brought to our team last year," Sather said. "He is a terrific competitor, who we expect to play a significant role in a successful season."

Which seems to differ only slightly from what he said about Avery during the arbitration hearing:

"[Avery is] a reasonably effective player as well as a detriment to the team. Avery is not a mature player. He plays, at times, like an individual rather than a member of a team."

So obviously Sather is not in any way being inconsistent with his comments. And I bet Avery will feel extremely comfortable playing for the Rangers this coming season, confident in the knowledge that his boss has nothing but respect and admiration for him. It seems like everything is going to work out just fine.

Panthers Will Likely Play Poorly Again Next Season, Look Worse

2007-07-30T16:27:00.000-04:00

The Florida Panthers have really outdone themselves this time. For a team that hasn't really enjoyed success since their appearance in the Stanley Cup Finals back in 1996 (Colorado swept them in four games), they sure don't look too interested in achieving any kind of future glory. Other than signing a really good goalie in Thomas Vokoun, they've more or less got the same batch of minor leaguers they did before.

And, like the Nashville Predators and Columbus Blue Jackets before them, they'll not only suck at playing hockey, they'll also suck aesthetically.

The Panthers unveiled their new uniforms last week (home and away), and boy oh boy are they rotten. Not only did they go with the "apron" style of useless front piping that the Predators adopted, but they've also been suckered (by Reebok, perhaps?) to allow what Paul at UniWatch refers to as "contrast-colored logo creep" to dominate the back of the jerseys. Gross.

The only thing worse would be contrasting vertical and horizontal sleeve stripes. Oh wait, they did that too. The overall color scheme is fine (red, black and yellow has served the Calgary Flames well for years), but the orgy of piping, stripes and unflattering lines in general just makes for one really ugly jersey style.

Lame, Florida. Lame.

Rangers Bitch Slap Sean Avery

2007-07-30T13:52:00.000-04:00

Ouch. You think you're a major contributor to a team's slight post-season success, the local press loves you and you score a totally amazingly hot sex goddess of a girlfriend.

Then the issue of money gets involved and it's all downhill from there. Suddenly you're a detriment to the team.

That sucks for Sean Avery. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

West Side (Conference) Story: Burke's Fightin' Words

2007-07-28T12:08:00.000-04:00

Brian Burke, Anaheim Ducks general manager, likes a good scrap. He's a big fan of having mindless brutes on the ice and he's a big fan of unleashing those brutes on unsuspecting, smaller men.

With this in mind, Edmonton Oilers GM Kevin Lowe better frickin' check himself before he wrecks himself.

In response to Lowe's recent submission of an inflated offer sheet to Ducks forward Dustin Penner (a poorly-concealed effort to hurt the Ducks' salary cap budgeting), Burke had this to say,

"Edmonton has offered a mostly inflated salary for a player, and I think it's an act of desperation for a general manager who is fighting to keep his job."

Apparently, the term "gutless" was also used by Burke to describe his Edmontonian counterpart.

Oh snap!

It's obvious, at least to Dear Lord Stanley, that Lowe better watch his back from now on. Burke is known for sending enforcers to do some dirty work now and again, and Lowe just might find himself face down on the ground with a broken neck.

Dustin Penner, on the other hand, will probably just find himself a lot richer but stuck playing in cold, unforgiving Alberta for a really lousy team instead of sunny Anaheim playing for a really good one. Such is life.

When Bunnies Attack!

2007-07-27T21:52:00.001-04:00

I know some people probably resent the term, but the girlfriends and wives (and groupies) of professional hockey players have for a very long time been referred to as "Puck Bunnies". I'm sure this is the first and only term used to belittle women in the entire history of sports. But I digress.

Lately, the only consistent headlines hockey players have been getting have been relationship-related. Six young and not-so-young ladies in particular have become the talk of the hockey world as of late.

In an effort to accurately document the important issues facing the National Hockey League, I will take the time to explore each of these ladies and the reason for their recent notoriety. I'm selfless like that.

Bunny #1: Hilary Duff

Hilary Duff is an actress. Or she's a singer. Or maybe she's both. I wouldn't know for sure because I don't listen to music or watch movies (takes time away from watching hockey), but I'm told she's a very talented person. She's also reasonably attractive. She also happens to be dating a nice young man named Mike Comrie, who until he was signed by the Islanders a couple of weeks ago, played hockey for the Ottawa Senators. The only mildly interesting thing about their budding relationship is that they hit it off first on a trip to Idaho. Idaho? Holy crap hockey players are boring.

Bunny #2: Willa Ford

Willa Ford was on Dancing With The Stars opposite some dude with a mullet. Before that, she was in a little-known men's magazine called Playboy (NSFW). I've never heard of it either. Currently, she's engaged to marry none other than American hockey hero Mike Modano, and she likes to tell people by flashing the gigantic ring he was likely guilted into buying her. But anyway, she took all her clothes off and posed for pictures a couple of years ago---I assume to promote herself as a serious, talented individual with opinions worth considering. Some of those opinions garnered a little attention recently. I'm sure Mike is proud. Mike might not be proud of the 80 or so pounds Willa has packed on to play Anna Nicole Smith in a biopic nobody really wants to see, however. Ugh.

Bunny #3: Elisha Cuthbert

All you need to know about Elisha Cuthbert is that she's smoking hot. Sure, she's currently starring in a weird-ass torture porn movie and she's dating notorious asshole Sean Avery, but really, none of that matters at all. She's absolutely smoking hot. Good lord.

Bunny #4: Kellie Pickler

Who the hell is Kellie Pickler? Ms. Pickler (hee hee) was an early-season reject from American Idol a year or two (or three or whenever) ago and since then the only thing she's managed to do with any kind of fanfare is date Nashville Predators resident jerk Jordin Tootoo. Apparently they're totally in love. Anyway, the only thing really interesting about Ms. Pickler is the strange transformation her chest area has undergone in the past couple of months. Interesting.

Bunny #5: Carol Alt

Carol Alt isn't getting any younger. She used to be a really hot model back in the 1980s, but since then she's transformed into quite a cougar with a penchant for lazy, greedy hockey players who are much, much younger than her and just totally misunderstood. She recently made the papers for bravely defending her unmarried domestic partner Alexei Yashin from his many, many, many detractors. Go get 'em, cougar.

Bunny #6: Janet Jones Gretzky

Janet Jones is the quintessential, end-all-be-all of puck bunnies. She is the ultimate. Once a major model and Playboy pinup sensation, Jones really gained fame and fortune when she married Wayne Gretzky. She's much older now and has a bit of a gambling problem, but she's still pretty hot. That is, if you're into hot, rich older chicks. And really, who isn't?

So, the question for you is, who's the hottest? Do newcomers Duff and Pickler have a youth advantage? Does Willa Ford take the cake because she's totally willing to get naked for money? What about established and sophisticated veteran bunnies like Carol Alt and Janet Gretzky? Or does pure, unadulterated (but worth the adultery) hotness make Elisha Cuthbert the runaway champion? You decide.

(Special thanks to both With Leather and Z czuba of Poland for the 1000+ extra visitors.)

Innocent Staal Brothers Arrested For Disorderly Sleeping

2007-07-25T22:59:00.000-04:00

The Staal brothers, specifically Eric of the Carolina Hurricanes and Jordan of the Pittsburgh Penguins (there are in fact other Staals), have each made huge splashes in the NHL in the past two years. First it was Eric with his 100 point season and Stanley Cup victory in 2005-06, then it was Jordan with his league-leading 7 shorthanded goals and Calder Trophy nomination this past season.

Well, over the weekend they also took the small resort town of Lutsen, Minnesota by storm. After what witnesses describe as a rambunctious bachelor party, the brothers and fellow celebrators were arrested for disorderly conduct. Oh, and underage drinking, too, since Jordan is still 18.

The Cook County Sheriff's Office said the brothers were among 14 arrested last weekend after authorities received several complaints about "screaming, yelling and playing loud music" at the resort in northeastern Minnesota, about two hours from the Staals' hometown of Thunder Bay, Ontario.

The sheriff said the group was warned multiple times before finally being ordered to leave the Lutsen Resort and Sea Villas in Lutsen, at which point the men gathered on a nearby highway and "began harassing motorists." That's when authorities arrested the group, around 4 a.m. Saturday.

Seems like your average out-of-control party thrown by multi-millionaire professional athletes to me. It doesn't even compare to the recent troubles faced by players in the NFL or refs in the NBA. Mere disorderly conduct is for pansies.

Well, except that this isn't your typical disorderly conduct. Apparently, the Staal brothers---being the well-behaved, responsible men that they are---weren't even awake when police busted up the noise fest. They're totally innocent, honest:

[Staal agent Rick] Curran said the brothers were among several partygoers who went to bed when authorities first gave the group a warning, and when authorities returned to kick the entire party out of the resort, they first had to wake the Staals up.

"What is unfortunate is at the end, the entire group was asked to leave the hotel, including Eric and Jordan and some of the others that had gone to bed when the first warnings came in," Curran said. "They were asked to go to bed, and they did. ... A couple of the kids kept going. That's what caused the continued disturbance."

The Staals obviously suffer from the well-known affliction called Narcoleptic Asshole Disorder Syndrome (NADS). Sufferers typically experience periodic bouts of unruly, disruptive behavior and then immediately and uncontrollably fall asleep afterwards. Sometimes the condition also creates alcohol fumes within the body which emanate from the mouth for no reason at all. This medical mystery afflicts many other celebrity victims, including Nick Nolte.

Seriously though, nice try, Staal brothers. Just admit that you guys throw the best parties this side of Thunder Bay and ride the notoriety for a while. Maybe Paris or Lindsay will join you guys for the next photo shoot.

Gary Bettman Is An Excellent Commissioner, Financial Advisor

2007-07-23T13:02:00.000-04:00

Gary Bettman, the well-loved and vastly-respected commissioner of the National Hockey League, is known for making great decisions. He is also known for his leadership and vision.

In the vision category comes this little tidbit from ESPN.com's Scott Burnside:

Canadian billionaire Jim Balsillie has accused NHL commissioner Gary Bettman of forcing the owner of the Nashville Predators to break off discussions about the sale of the team to Balsillie...

According to the article, Bettman prefers the Predators be sold to a group interested in moving the team from Nashville to Kansas City, another hot bed of hockey interest just like Nashville.

While Balsillie already has a deal with Copps Coliseum in Hamilton, Ontario, not to mention 14 thousand deposits on season tickets, Bettman seems to prefer trading one lousy market for another. But of course he does! He's Gary Bettman! He never makes a decision that isn't absolutely perfect for the league!

Why waste time expanding the league back into Canada, a country that loves its hockey more than it loves its own children? Why waste time having financially successful teams?

I think Gary Bettman should be NHL commissioner forever. He's a genius.

We're All Invited To The Nashville BBQ, Suck Fest

2007-07-23T00:25:00.000-04:00

The Nashville Predators unveiled their new RBK Edge uniforms last week, and, due to an ill-timed out-of-town excursion, I was unable to offer my opinion when it immediately came spewing forth from my mind.

My initial impression of the new jerseys was to ask, "Why the hell are the Predators wearing aprons?" Unfortunately, because I hesitated, somebody beat me to it.

That somebody is the illustrious Teebz, whose opinion is more or less identical to my own on the Hamilton/Kansas City/Nashville Predators' new look. In sum, it sucks. Just like the team is going to this coming season.

I'm not even going to justify their aesthetic cop-out by posting a lengthy analysis of the new uniforms. Instead, I'm going to go buy dirt-cheap tickets to their game against the Avalanche on October 4th so I can mock the Predators in person.

Coyotes Sign Aebischer, Own Death Warrant

2007-07-20T13:50:00.000-04:00

image courtesy of Divealanche.com

David Aebischer was once a pretty decent goaltender. In 2003-04 with the Avalanche (the year after Patrick Roy's retirement), he posted a 32-19-9 record with a fairly amazing 2.09 GAA. Granted, he was backstopping one of the greatest lineups in the history of hockey, but he put in some good work.

After that, it was all down hill. His numbers have consistent worsened since then, and he spent most of last season as the Canadiens' under-played backup. How did he become a Canadien, you ask? He was traded for Jose Theodore by the Avs in 2005-06. Yeah, remember that trade?

At any rate, Aebischer has now signed a one-year contract with the Phoenix Coyotes, and he will probably become their starting netminder, considering the only other guy they have to play in net is Mikael Tellqvist (11-11-3, 3.39 GAA, .885 SV%). Just a hunch, but I have a feeling that coach Gretzky won't be making his first behind-the-bench appearance in the playoffs anytime soon.

And you can bet on that.

Any Publicity Is Good Publicity, Right? Right?

2007-07-19T15:06:00.000-04:00

Courtesy of TheDenverChannel.com:

A 27-year-old man rounded up in a prostitution sting last week could face stiffer charges because he admitted to knowing that he had AIDS, the Denver District Attorney's Office said Wednesday.

Garcia is being held in Denver jail in lieu of $50,000 bond. His mug shot shows him with long brown hair, wearing makeup and a Colorado Avalanche jersey.

You really can't make this stuff up.

Change Is Afoot, Not A Leg Or A Hand

2007-07-19T13:41:00.000-04:00

Things are going to change a little bit around here, kiddos. With the launch of Mile High Hockey and the relocation of my primary blogging focus to that site, Dear Lord Stanley is going to become a bit more general.

Whereas before I focused on the Avalanche first and the rest of the NHL second, from now on the majority of my posts here will deal with the NHL as a whole (or other teams) and the Avs will be shifted to the background just a little. I'll still make Avalanche-related posts, of course, but you'll see a lot more stuff about the rest of the league.

The same brilliant and insightful commentary that you've come to expect from DLS, like "ESPN blows goats," will not be changing at all, however. So you've got that going for you.

Exciting New Avalanche Blog In Case You Are Bored Of This One

2007-07-19T12:14:00.000-04:00

SportsBlogs Nation, in case you aren't aware, is the largest network of sports-related blogs on the entire Internets. There are NFL blogs, blogs for the NBA, MLB blogs and blogs for many college sports programs. Until recently, however, there weren't any blogs dedicated to the National Hockey League.

Not any more, kiddos.

I have been given the privilege of creating a new Colorado Avalanche blog as part of the SB Nation network. This brand new site joins the only other existing NHL site so far, Die By The Blade---a Sabres blog.

Introducing Mile High Hockey.

Make no mistake, this new blog won't be a carbon copy of Dear Lord Stanley. Nothing could possibly be the same as this amazing blog. Not even close. But Mile High Hockey will be the most thorough, in-depth Avalanche fan community on the web.

Did I say "community?" That's right. SB Nation runs on the same technology as the liberal political blog DailyKos, a technology called Scoop that allows readers to create their own user accounts and post their own blog entries, called diaries. These diary posts are linked directly to the front page of the blog, and other users are free to comment on them. In other words, I, the main blogger, am not the only game in town. Everyone is free to chime in and contribute, and build their own following of readers. Even better, diary posts I really like can be promoted to the front page of the blog. This is especially useful when I'm low on my own content or it's a slow news day.

I'm also not alone in this endeavor. I'm being joined in this project by none other than Avalanche blogger Draft Dodger, he of In The Cheap Seats fame. He will be contributing periodic stats-related informational posts to the front page to add depth and substance to my hollow and biased ranting. I'm excited to have him on board.

So, if you love the Avalanche, or at least like to talk about them, head over to Mile High Hockey today and sign up for a free user account. Start posting diary entries. Get the conversation started!

And fellow Avalanche bloggers (you know who you are), start spreading the news! Help me promote this new site, since it's not just my work, but a community of fans dedicated to the team and the Stanley Cups they're still sure to win. I expect to see everyone over there.

Go Avs!

Lazy Summer Video Post

2007-07-13T06:19:00.001-04:00

Ray Bourque, the owner of the lowest hairline of any man his age, answers some really inane questions from some ESPN lackey about winning the Cup with Colorado in 2001.

Watch it here. And, if that doesn't work for you (ESPN's video player is buggy most of the time), just go here and look for the video player on the upper right.

As for the interview, holy crap those questions were horrible. Ask something worthwhile, you hack.

And Ray, keep chillin' on the beach, bro.

Avalanche Releases 2007-08 Schedule

2007-07-11T14:57:00.000-04:00

2007-08 Schedule

Penguins in Denver on November 1st. Something tells me I should buy tickets now. As in today.

Sing A Song Of AvsNation

2007-07-11T13:57:00.000-04:00

When there's not much else to do, I sit around and search for Avalanche videos on YouTube. I just found a great one, complete with a song actually written about the team.

There's no better way for a blogger to cover his own ass for not having anything of real substance to write than posting a YouTube clip.

Seriously, it's a slow news day. Well, week.

Sidney Crosby Signs $95 Trillion Contract Extension With Penguins

2007-07-10T13:13:00.000-04:00

Well, he won't make quite as much as $95 trillion, but it's pretty close. Sid The Kid has agreed to a 5-year ~~$45~~ $43 million contract extension with the Penguins, which locks him up with the team until he becomes and unrestricted free agent just prior to the 2013-2014 season (at age 25). His cap number will shift from $850 thousand to $8.7 million.

Hot damn.

In a league where relatively low-scoring guys like Ryan Smyth and Chris Drury will make over $7 million dollars a season, it's hard to argue that Sidney Crosby doesn't deserve to earn even more than $9 million a year. Two years in the NHL, two 100+ point seasons. The youngest scoring champion, multi-100 pointer, Hart Trophy winner, team captain. The only thing he lacks is a haircut befitting a Penguin. Hair aside, in the realm of raw, unbridled man studs, the only guy arguably more raw and studly than Sid is Matthew McConaughey, and that guy's two steps from complete insanity.

Crosby is an asset the Penguins had to lock down---even if the salary cap takes a dive in the next few years and it eventually drives them bankrupt. At least Sid The Almost Middle Aged Old Fart will still be around, probably still scoring 150 points a season.

NHL Merch Sales Way Up, Interest In Sport Obviously Down

2007-07-09T17:08:00.000-04:00

It has been common consensus for some time that the NHL is on life support. Games can only be found on a lousy, hard-to-find, b-list cable network, the ratings suck anyway, ESPN doesn't cover hockey because the sport is lame (rather than their lack of a vested interest in its promotion), and attendance at most arenas is down. All in all, the National Hockey League sucks and nobody in the United States cares about it.

Maybe nobody watched or attended the actual games last season because they were spending all of their time buying crap tons of NHL merchandise online. The league reports that their online merchandise sales have increased for ten straight seasons, and this past year was the best ever---47% more sales than the year previous. The two individual teams with the biggest gains in merch sales: the Sabres and the Ducks. The most popular individual player jersey: some young stud named Sidney Crosby. I've never heard of him either.

So nobody cares about the NHL but licensed merchandise sales have increased dramatically. Maybe it's just the strong Canadian dollar, but last time I checked, the Sabres, Ducks and Crosby's Penguins were American teams. The Senators enjoyed strong sales after their impressive playoff showing, but nobody spent money like people in New York, California and Pennsylvania, not to mention the fans of 24 other NHL teams, most of which are US-based. Only three teams suffered losses over the course of the season, and while I have no doubt a couple of them were American teams (Coyotes and Thrashers, anyone?), at least one HAD to have been Canadian.

Seriously, who in their right mind would buy an Oilers jersey?

Red Wings Sign Old Fart Dallas Drake To One-Year Deal

2007-07-09T14:07:00.000-04:00

Dallas Drake, the gritty, extremely old right wing enforcer (and former captain) of the St. Louis Blues has signed a one-year deal with the Detroit Red Wings, of all teams. I guess this puts to rest any talk that he might (or should) become a member of the Avalanche. Turns out he went the completely opposite direction after all.

Looks like we'll be seeing much more of this over the course of the coming season.

That's Not Really Saying Much

2007-07-08T13:39:00.000-04:00

Very little to post about today, but I thought I'd comment on this headline:

"Turris Impresses At Coyotes Camp"

All Kyle Turris really needs to impress the Coyotes is a steady pulse and a birthday after 1965.

. . .

The Avalanche still have a decent amount of money but have not made a move toward any remaining free agents, and they're clearly not going to re-sign Mark Rycroft, Ossi Vaananen or Patrice Brisebois, all of whom remain on the unrestricted free agent market. There's also still no confirmation of former-Hab Sheldon Souray's future home. Word on the street suggests he'll go to Jersey. I feel sorry for him if those rumors turn out to be true.

Eight Things You Couldn't Care Less About

2007-07-08T01:02:00.000-04:00

I have to be totally honest with you, I hate blog memes. Can't stand them.

I don't hate Teebz over at Hockey Blog In Canada, however, and since he's a friend of DLS and a fellow follower of athletics aesthetics, I will always give him the benefit of the doubt, to a fault. Unfortunately, he has "tagged" me to participate in one such insidious blog meme. Because he is not a terrible person, I have no choice but to play along---though with regret and against my better judgment.

So, first of all, the rules of this horrible meme, courtesy of Teebz:

1. All right, here are the rules.
2. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
3. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
4. People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
5. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

Click below for my eight random personal facts and/or habits.

1. I would never buy an authentic NHL jersey to wear because I am not an authentic NHL player. Besides, they're expensive. The only authentic jerseys I would ever buy would have to have been game-worn, because then they'd truly be authentic. But those are even more expensive, so I don't buy those either. I only own two jerseys, both replicas, and both were on sale. That's how I roll.

2. I would never wear an NHL jersey with a player's name on it. I don't believe any grown man should ever wear another grown man's name on his back. Be your own person. If I could afford actual game-worn jerseys with players' names on the back, I would frame them, not wear them. Anyway, players come and go from teams so often these days---how many Avs fans now wish they had "Smyth" on the back of their jersey instead of "Skoula"?

3. I am aware that other people have perfectly valid opinions different than my own.

4. I have taken two different long-term girlfriends to NHL games (at different times, of course). They both seemed bored and one of them eventually broke up with me. The other is still around, but I'm sure she's mad at me for something. Probably the hockey game I made her go to.

5. I obviously love hockey, but I think baseball is the greatest, most perfect sport ever invented. It is beautifully complex and yet sublime. I never pass up the opportunity to see a baseball game for free and make it a point to see at least one MLB game a year---not bad considering I don't live in a city with an MLB team.

6. I don't have a favorite baseball team, though I do follow (and sympathize with) the Cubs because my best friend is a rabid fan of that historically bad Chicago team.

7. As far as media coverage of sports goes, I think most newspaper and TV reporters are completely full of sh-t and take themselves far too seriously. I also think that most bloggers are even worse.

8. Finally, I hereby resolve to never again participate in a blog meme. Ever. I will not "tag" anyone else in the hope that this meme will die here, with me. I still love Teebz, though. No hard feelings.

You know, when I think about it, I'm not sure which is worse---people who willingly engage in the propagation of blog memes or those who self-righteously complain about it and then do it anyway. Probably the latter is worse. I suck.

"World Leader In Sports" Invokes Many, Many Other Four Letter Words Than "ESPN"

2007-07-07T23:22:00.000-04:00

ESPN is no doubt the World Leader when it comes to sports. We know this because absolutely nothing even remotely considered a sport is left uncovered by the tireless sports journalists at the network. But it's not just the reporters, anchors and talking head opinionists (™ 2007, DLS) that should receive commendation. The program directors are true heroes as well.

Because, without them, we would all miss the 2007 Bud Light USA Rock Paper Scissors League National Championship in Las Vegas, which aired Saturday night on ESPN2. That's right, rock-paper-scissors. Finally, ESPN has the courage to air a true athletic event which only the A&E network had had the balls to do in the past.

Why waste time on a sport like ice hockey, which involves keen hand-eye coordination, well-developed leg strength and balance, a high level of aerobic endurance and a strong, physical body type? After all, hockey doesn't translate well to TV and just gets so boring. Not like golf or tennis, or NASCAR, or poker, or rock-paper-scissors. Those sports are exciting!

Clearly, ESPN has only our best interest as sports fans in mind. By airing the rock-paper-scissors tournament, complete with blatant alcohol sponsorship and transparently snarky announcers, we have all gained a better appreciation for the most difficult of human athletic endeavors---pumping your outstretched hand repeatedly toward some guy almost as drunk as you. Forget baseball, these fine rock-paper-scissors athletes are the true "boys of summer."

If only there was someone we could thank personally for this great spectacle. Maybe Ilan Ben-Hanan, the director of programming and acquisitions at ESPN, could be that person since he was directly responsible for the coverage. Just drop a note to his email address, Ilan.ben-hanan@espn.com, and thank him personally for his hard work bringing only the greatest of sports to his network's viewers. I did.

UDPATE: Apparently, Mr. Ben-Hanan is on vacation. After sending him an email, I received an auto reply from his account stating he would be out of the office until July 16th. Despite the delay, I hope there will be many more happy, supportive notes from fellow hockey fans to greet him when he returns to work.

Sabres To Oilers: "Bring It"

2007-07-07T11:54:00.001-04:00

The Sabres are getting low on talent. They lost Chris Drury and Daniel Briere to the free agent market, and up-and-coming talent Thomas Vanek is a restricted free agent with a big-spending suitor. Edmonton made a ridiculous 7-year, $50 million offer for Vanek, which included four first round draft picks to Buffalo because of Vanek's status as restricted.

As already discussed, the Sabres stupidly matched the offer, and will likely retain Vanek's services. But Sabres' management is not happy about the ordeal, not one bit. Says managing partner Larry Quinn, while stomping his feet and pouting:

"As it comes to the Edmonton Oilers, if there is an opportunity for us to put an offer sheet on a player at any time--as long as we're alive -- we'll be very comfortable in doing that. And they can expect it, if it's in our best interest."

Take that, you meanie heads.

Quinn and the Sabres have apparently taken great offense to Edmonton's completely legal and permitted offer to Vanek, and are probably a little put-out that they now have to pay a relatively unproven young player a crap ton of money for a very long time. But if they really wanted to hit the Oilers below the belt, they would have let Vanek go.

Huh? It's simple: the Sabres are now far less deep in talent than they were last season, and will likely suffer for a couple of years as the seventh or eighth best team in the East. Instead, they could have let Vanek go, gone into a rebuilding period immediately and enjoyed EIGHT first round picks over the next four seasons. There's no better way to rebuild a franchise than to draft high and often. Considering that half those draft picks would be coming from Edmonton, who would have Vanek as their only true star player, those picks would likely be in the top ten each year.

Edmonton would be the loser by far if they sign Vanek to a bloated, way-too-long contract with the additional loss of four draft picks. They'd take a large chunk out of their salary cap, have no young prospects out of what are predicted to be several consecutive strong draft classes in the coming years, and would probably just trade him away for nothing in the end anyway---just like they did with Ryan Smyth.

Instead of whining and crying about it, the Sabres should just let Vanek go and be confident in the fact that a few seasons from now, they'll be far stronger and more talented than the pathetic Oilers and their genius GM Kevin Lowe.

Thomas Vanek Is One Hot Piece Of Hockey Tail

2007-07-06T16:02:00.001-04:00

Thomas Vanek must be great in bed. Or at least, he must be great in the locker room, since Edmonton and Buffalo just got done fighting over him. Buffalo will re-sign the up-and-coming-but-still-kind-of-unproven young Vanek, but not without oodles of controversy.

Apparently, Kevin Lowe, universally-admired GM of the Oilers, temporarily went totally f-cking bat sh-t crazy and decided to make a 7-year, $50 million offer to Vanek, which included FOUR first round draft picks to Buffalo because he is still a restricted free agent. Four first round picks. FOUR. And a 7-year deal. For $50 million.

Not to be outdone in the genius department, Buffalo GM Darcy Regier then matched the offer, which Vanek, likely realizing the impossibility that anything this balls-out amazing will ever happen to him again, is sure to sign. His pay last year was $942 thousand. This coming season he will make $5 million, and that's just the beginning. The breakdown of his income over the length of the contract, in millions of dollars, will be: 5, 5, 6.4, 6.4, 6.4, 6.4, 6.4. That's right. No matter how good he becomes---or how bad he gets---Vanek is guaranteed to make over $6 million for five straight seasons, starting in 2009-10. Bear in mind that he's only had one good season in his limited NHL career. He could still totally choke.

Obviously, so-called "small market" teams like Edmonton and Buffalo are not exactly short on cash to throw around, just short on brains.

Ryan Smyth Is Very Rich

2007-07-05T17:22:00.001-04:00

Or, if he's not already, he really will be when he starts cashing checks from the Avalanche.

Adrian Dater at the Post was generous enough to share the full details of Smyth's new contract with the Avalanche:

This season, Smyth will make a base salary of $5 million, and he received a additional $2.5 million signing bonus. His salary for the following four years will be $7.25 million, $6.5 million, $5.5 million and $4.5 million. His averaged cap number salary for the full term is $6.25 million.

So this season, including the signing bonus, he'll get paid $7.5 million, followed by a whopping $7.25 million next year, which, barring any huge free agent signings next July 1st or another 100+ point season from Joe Sakic, will almost guarantee that Smyth will become the Avs' highest paid player.

Not too shabby for a guy who hasn't scored more than 70 points a season. I wonder if he's in the market for a personal assistant...

Domo Arigato Mr. Svatos

2007-07-05T16:53:00.000-04:00

After receiving a qualifying offer early this week from the Avalanche, restricted free agent winger Marek Svatos decided against arbitration and re-signed with the team today.

Svatos, you may recall, made a big splash in 2005-06, his rookie season, when he scored 32 goals in just over 60 games. This past season, however, he never quite found his place on the team and sucked something awful. A frequent healthy scratch, he finished with 15 goals and 30 total points. To say his sophomore performance was slumptastic doesn't begin to cover it.

But Svatos isn't a lost cause. He's obviously got offensive potential, it's just that he has to be paired with the perfect linemates in order to shine. He's not physical, he's not good defensively, and when he doesn't have the puck he generally looks lost on the ice. But when he does get the puck he can work magic.

The Avalanche now has three full-time right wingers---Milan Hejduk, Ian Laperriere and Svatos---and will likely either fill the remaining spot with a standout rookie from training camp (~~TJ Hensick~~ Jaroslav Hlinka, perhaps?) or will soon make a move for a veteran grinder (Dallas Drake, maybe?). At any rate, barring any huge surprises from training camp, the Avalanche roster has just about been filled out.

Hopefully Svatos can regain his past goal-scoring touch and stop sucking, or the Avs will have to find somebody to take his spot---again.

Avalanche Stuff Watch™

2007-07-05T14:05:00.000-04:00

Another slow news day in the NHL, especially since the major free agent signings have come and gone. So, in order to avoid talking about the ongoing clusterf-ck in Nashville, I'll post another installment of the reader-favorite Avalanche Stuff Watch™!

Item #1 (a and b):

Chris Drury made big news this week by leaving Buffalo and the Sabres' co-captaincy behind for the urban caverns of New York City. He might now be playing with the Rangers, but you can still get your hands on authentic, game-worn Drury jerseys from his time with the Avalanche! And even better, you have more than one to choose from. Prefer his #37 assignment from the 2000-01 Cup year? Or maybe you like his #18 jersey a little better. Or maybe, just maybe, you have $2750 just lying around and can afford both. What's holding you back?

Item #2:

Nothing says "classy guy" like pleather apparel. Women melt at the sight of it. If you want to seriously upgrade your wardrobe, look no further than this Colorado Avalanche faux-leather men's jacket. And with a buy it now price of just $99, it's impossible to believe it's still on the market!

Item #3:

It took them a while, but finally Fathead.com has started producing hockey-related wall-hangings to match their huge inventory of enormous steroid-pumped football players. Number one on any Avalanche fan's list: a giant Joe Sakic. Sure, putting enormous pictures of grown men on your walls seems a little strange to your wife, but at $99, it's too good to pass up.

Item #4:

Hockey pucks make great collector's items. Hockey pucks with cool logos and photos on them are even better. If you're a puck fan like me, you'll definitely have trouble passing up this amazing find, now listed on eBay. That's right, it's a Colorado Avalanche puck complete with a lithograph of Peter Forsberg. Not only that, but it's arguably the worst picture of Foppa EVER! Only $4 if you act now. Hard to believe someone is actually trying to get rid of it, so take advantage of this great opportunity!

Ryan Smyth Is Not Hockey Jesus

2007-07-03T15:25:00.000-04:00

Though he shares a striking resemblance in the hair department (blessed be thy mullet), Ryan Smyth is not the second coming of Christ on ice. In fact, he's not even a superstar in the traditional vein of superstar hockey players. He's no Dany Heatley. He's no Alexander Ovechkin. He's not even Daniel Sedin.

But you wouldn't know that if you just read Colorado Avalanche fan message boards for info. Or looked at Smyth's contract---which involves him being paid more than $6 million a year for a very long time.

Ryan Smyth is a down-low, in-the-slot grinder who specializes in tip-in shots and goalie screens. He's gritty and offensively gifted, and has great "hockey sense", but he's not a winger in the style of Teemu Selanne, the speedy, nimble sharpshooter who can score from anywhere on the ice. For an Avalanche example of that type of winger, Milan Hejduk (in his prime) comes immediately to mind.

Ryan Smyth is not that kind of guy. In fact, he's not all that statistically impressive in general:

He's never scored more than 70 points in a season, and in his 11-year career, he's only scored more than 30 goals four times. If he's worth $6 million just based on statistics alone, it's not hard to imagine somebody like Sidney Crosby earning $15 million when his contract with the Penguins eventually comes up for renegotiation. Maybe that's okay in baseball, but it can't work in the NHL.

Now, don't get me wrong, I like Ryan Smyth and think he'll make an excellent addition to the Avalanche roster, especially on a line with Paul Stastny and Milan Hejduk. Each player brings a different, complimentary style of play to the ice, and combined they could do a lot of damage (in theory, of course). But Smyth is not the best player in the NHL. He's a great leader, a gritty winger, and generally a good person to have in a locker room. Just don't get any ideas that he'll be vying for the Art Ross Trophy at the end of next season, or that the Avalanche will instantly become a Cup contender the second he steps on the ice.

His mullet, however, is unparalleled.

Joe Sakic's Secret Weapon: Hot Phone Sex

2007-07-02T20:07:00.000-04:00

original photo courtesy of Flickr user Elan Photography

Who says Joe Sakic is a silent leader? It seems "Quoteless Joe" did plenty of talking to Ryan Smyth, since the newly-signed Avalanche winger says a phone call from the Colorado captain played a major role in his decision to leave the Islanders for Denver.

Says Smyth of the call,

"It was like the icing on the cake ... Joe as everybody knows is a world-class player, he's a future Hockey Hall of Famer. The guy handles himself with a great deal of class. There's no question he was an influence on it.''

Captain Joe doesn't have to say a lot. He's the strong, silent type. But when he does, his fellow players just melt like warm butter in his hands. Like soft, silky butter, flowing like sweet honey through his strong, manly hands...

I'll be taking a cold shower if anybody needs me.

Bertuzzi Returns Home To Daddy Burke

2007-07-02T19:15:00.000-04:00

You just can't keep them apart. They were born for each other.

Brian Burke, GM of the Anaheim Water Fowl, has made the move to bring Todd Bertuzzi back into his nest, reuniting them for the first time since their tenure in Vancouver, two seasons ago. Sure, that period of time was punctuated by one of the most despicable acts ever perpetrated during an NHL game EVER, but what's ruining a guy's career between friends?

Anyway, no details yet, except that it is supposedly a 2-year contract. How wonderful.

Avalanche Clinches Deal With Ryan Smyth, Mullet-Lovers Everywhere

2007-07-02T06:11:00.000-04:00

Gritty winger Ryan Smyth, he of the flowing mane and illustrious nickname “Captain Canada” (complete with Canadian Tuxedo?), will sign a 5-year deal with the Colorado Avalanche at an average of $6 million a year. The high-scoring former Oiler/Islander will fit in well with the Avalanche offensive system and should provide a much-needed presence deep in the slot, receiving dead-on passes from either Paul Stastny or Joe Sakic as a member of either the top or second line. Or both. Or maybe Smyth will just levitate above the ice like Hockey Jesus and toss pucks into opposing goals using only his mind. Judging from the overwhelmingly positive response among Avalanche fans, you’d think he could do that.

Smyth reportedly received competitive offers from 10 teams, including the Islanders, who acquired him last season from the Oilers at the trade deadline. The Avalanche apparently made the most appealing pitch, however. The Islanders now have nothing to show for their initial deal, which cost them two future prospects and a high draft pick. They also lost Jason Blake (40 goals) and a couple of other decent players which means their playoff days are likely done for a while.

There is no doubt that Ryan Smyth will have a positive impact on the Avs this coming season. If he doesn’t, he can join Jose Theodore on the bench, where overpaid underachievers get to hang out during Avalanche games. Theodore, whose deadline for being bought out passed yesterday, will be resuming his role as the highest-paid backup goaltender in the NHL this coming season.

Blues Likes ‘em Short, Oilers Caps Likes ‘em Swedish

2007-07-02T06:09:00.000-04:00

TSN reports that the speedy but smallish Paul Kariya has left the collapsing wasteland of Nashville for the already-collapsed wasteland of St. Louis, signing a three-year deal with the Blues. Kariya’s not the superstar he used to be, but he’s still quick and still productive. Can’t ask for much more than that.

~~Michael Nylander, a high-scoring center with the Rangers last season, has decided to try out the icy tundra of western Canada, signing an undisclosed deal with the Edmonton Oilers.~~ The Rangers won’t miss him much, considering they signed centers Scott Gomez and Chris Drury on the first day of free agency signings.

UPDATE: Initial reports were false. Nylander has signed a 4-year contract with the Capitals, filling the huge gap at center that team has suffered for some time.

"Big D" Scott Hannan Added To Avalanche Blue Line

2007-07-01T20:29:00.000-04:00

The Avalanche landed the big d-man they were after by signing Scott Hannan to what TSN reports to be a 4-year, $18 million deal. Hannan, a 6-1, 225-pound heavy hitter will add much needed size and grit to the once-soft Colorado defensive pool.

While the contract, at over $4 million a year, seems a little bloated to me, it's still relatively cap-friendly and leaves the Avs with plenty of money to clinch the deal with Ryan Smyth.

No new details on that, however.

Center-Happy Rangers Sign Drury, Steal Avs' Favorite Ex-Girlfriend

2007-07-01T19:56:00.000-04:00

TSN just posted news that the Rangers have also signed Chris Drury (in addition to Gomez) for five years and $35 million. That's some depth at center, no doubt. Looks like the Hockey Stud won't be returning home to Colorado ever again.

This is much worse news for the Sabres, though, since they lost both Briere and Drury to Eastern Conference rivals they will have to play four times each.

Such is life.

Gomez Disses Jersey For NYC, Ryan Smyth In Talks With Avs

2007-07-01T19:30:00.000-04:00

ESPN just reported that Scott Gomez has agreed to a 7-year deal with the Rangers, one of the main rivals of the only team he's ever played for: the Devils. No money details yet.

Also, the Fourth Period has reported twice that Ryan Smyth is ironing out a deal with the Avalanche, which would be a major move on Colorado's part, adding offensive depth to an already potent team. No confirmation as of yet, though.

Briere To Flyers, Rafalski To Wings, Jesus Himself Still Considering Options

2007-07-01T16:49:00.000-04:00

At least, it seems like everybody---even Baby Jesus---is in the free agent running today. The signing orgy continues, with Daniel Briere agreeing to a whopper 8-year deal including a "no move" clause with the Flyers (for $52 million). To fill the hole left by Mathieu Schneider, the Dead Wings have signed Brian Rafalski, a Michigan native. Too bad, I kind of liked him.

There was some talk about Yanic Perreault being pursued by the Avs to improve their face off percentages, but that didn't pan out because he just signed with the Blackhawks.

Oh, and speaking of 'Hawks, former Avalanche forward Brett McLean (who started his career with Chicago) has signed with the Florida Panthers along with Richard Zednick.

No word yet on Ryan Smyth, Scott Gomez or Chris Drury, the three big boys yet to go.

UPDATE: Smyth is rumored to be on the cusp of a multi-year deal with the Avalanche.

Dead Wings Lose Schneider To Water Fowl

2007-07-01T14:56:00.000-04:00

First big free agent to go:

Mathieu Schneider, an aging but still-capable blueliner with the Red Wings last season, has signed a two-year deal with the Ducks for $5.5 million and $5.75 million. Always good to see the Dead Wings lose a talented player.

Could this be a sign that Scott Niedermayer is indeed retiring?

Further NHL Expansion Is Stupid, Likely

2007-06-30T13:42:00.000-04:00

There's really no better way to put it. Expanding the NHL to include more teams (like in Vegas) or simply moving existing teams from one lousy market to the next is a terrible way to promote the sport.

What expansion does is dilute talent. There are a limited number of truly great hockey players in this world, and their skills are best showcased by playing on teams with each other. One superstar on a lousy team doesn't stand out because he's held back by his teammates who chuck lousy passes, bobble one-timers and more or less skate around without a clue. Florida comes immediately to mind, much to Olli Jokinen's dismay.

When a team is filled with true superstars, chock-full of great talents whose skills are multiplied by playing with each other, the fans come flocking.

As Eric at the Fanhouse pointed out yesterday, the Penguins have now been forced to create a waiting list for season ticket purchases because of out-of-control demand. Why is this, you wonder? Perhaps it has something to do with three young men named Crosby, Malkin and Staal. Three true superstars whose innumerable skills are even further multiplied by playing on the same team as each other. This is not a "problem" facing teams like Phoenix, who have nobody even close to superstar status and are already at a disadvantage by playing in a non-traditional market.

In an ideal world, the NHL would contract to at most 28 teams (but ideally 24), and concentrate the limited talent pool in fewer cities. Expansion would only further diminish the on-ice product. You want to know the real reason goal-scoring has been down in the past twenty years? Because too many teams were added. Back in the 1980s, it was easy for Wayne Gretzky to score 200 points in a season (and his team over 400 goals) because the Oilers had Mark Messier, Paul Coffey, Jari Kurri and Glenn Anderson. There were only 20 teams back then, and the talent was heavily concentrated.

In 1989-90, ten teams scored more than 290 goals---out of 21 total. In 1999-2000, zero teams out of 28 scored that many. It's not because the goalies got fatter or the creases were too large. It's because there weren't enough good players on each team.

Through contraction, the NHL could easily kill multiple birds with one stone: increase ticket sales, increase goal scoring, decrease team deficits in weak markets. Why make the goals bigger when you can just stack the offense full of superstars?

Too bad it's never going to happen. The league seems dead-set on further expansion at the expense of all common sense. We're all worse off as fans because of it.

Foote Admits He's A Lousy Gambler, Shouldn't Have Left Colorado

2007-06-30T11:29:00.000-04:00

photo courtesy PokerStarsBlog.com

Adam Foote, at one time, was a solid, exciting defenseman for the Avalanche. Not an offensive defenseman, but a great stay-at-home heavy-hitter. Then he went and signed with Columbus a couple of years ago and found himself having to carry the load for a seriously sub-par team. Things haven't gone well for him since.

His bad.

Until now, he hadn't publicly said anything to suggest that he regretted his decision to follow the money just to get stuck on a lousy, mismanaged team. Until now, that is.

In an interview with Vic Lombardi of KCNC in Denver (video here), Adam Foote actually admits to wishing he had never left his "home"---Denver and the Colorado Avalanche (around the 4 minute mark).

Dear Lord Stanley has a very short memory. I may support the Avalanche players while they're still in Denver, but once they leave, they're dead to me. I have less sympathy for departing free agents than those just unlucky to be traded, but my concern for all of them ends the second they suit up for another team. Foote, Peter Forsberg, Chris Drury, Alex Tanguay, Rob Blake, the list goes on and on. All dead to me.

But, if they were to come to their senses and return to Colorado (even if it means less money for them), then all is forgiven. Hugs and kisses all around.

Too bad most are too old to return and be of any real help, like Adam Foote (and that cripple Forsberg), so their chance to get back in my good graces has passed. I hope they don't take it too hard.

(Thanks to AD for the heads-up on the Foote interview.)

Messier To Be Inducted Into Hockey, Strip Club Halls Of Fame

2007-06-29T14:01:00.000-04:00

It was announced yesterday that six-time Stanley Cup champion Mark Messier will be inducted into the Hockey Hall Of Fame in November, along with fellow players Scott Stevens (dick), Ron Francis (pansy) and Al MacInnis (total stud). There was little doubt that Messier would make it into the Hall in this, his first year of eligibility.

If Messier was really good at something during his 25 years as a player in the NHL, it was leading his teammates on the ice. He is considered one of the greatest leaders in the history of the league, but he was also one of the classiest, if by "classy" I actually mean "kind of gross". Kind of gross in that he's a dirty old man who really, really likes strip clubs.

"The Messiah's" total points are second on the all-time list, but when it comes to actually scoring, he leads all other players in Most Embarrassing Strip Club Appearances with two. Which two? Those would be the two times he took the Stanley Cup to visit his favorite exotic dancers, once in Edmonton and once in New York.

The first incident was in 1987, when Messier took the cup onstage at an Edmonton strip joint called the Forum Inn, where it no doubt became intimately familiar with the various intricacies of the female anatomy. God bless it. Nothing says "great leader" like a guy willing to help a late-blooming buddy lose his virginity, only in this case the buddy was a 35-pound hunk of polished metal considered the greatest trophy in professional sports. What a stud.

I have no idea as to the quality of the strippers in Edmonton, but I have a feeling they can't hold a candle (so to speak) to the ladies of New York City. Specifically the ladies of the famous strip club Scores, where Messier took the cup after winning it with the Rangers in 1994. No doubt the poor trophy was fondled only slightly more than the classy ladies with which it "performed".

That incident actually led the NHL to appoint a 24-hour security detail to protect it from the players, and that practice continues today. Before it required babysitters, I'm sure getting to take the Cup home was a lot of fun for those who won it. But Mark Messier's "leadership" has ruined it for everybody. Now strip clubs aren't half as fun as they used to be. Thanks a lot, buddy.

But, if there's a bright side to the story, it's that the Cup can't get herpes, unlike professional athletes. Right, Mark?

Secret Lovers: Leipold Cheats On Balsillie

2007-06-28T13:17:00.000-04:00

The National Post (of Canada, of course) is now reporting that Predators owner Craig Leipold has dropped Blackberry tycoon Jim Balsillie's offer to buy the team in favor of a bid from William DelBiaggio. But the Predators will still be moving. Instead of going to Hamilton, Ontario like Balsillie wants, the team will likely find themselves next in the hockey hotbed of Kansas City, where "Boots" DelBiaggio seeks to bring them.

What a brilliant move by the NHL and Gary Bettman, who are obviously pulling Leipold's strings on this one. Why move a current NHL team from a weak market to an extremely strong one? Just send it to another unproven, non-traditional American hockey wasteland and hope for the best. That's a sure recipe for success!

However, that will stop plans to grant an expansion team to Kansas City, so Bettman will have to find another new market to plop a brand-new NHL team nobody really wants to see (other than Las Vegas, which is a sure bet---sorry). I suggest Nashville, which will obviously "need" a new team once the Predators ship off to the Great Plains.

Oh, and Hamilton ticket buyers, sorry about your luck. Good thing they're giving refunds.

A Little More Than Fashionably Late

2007-06-27T20:18:00.001-04:00

I didn't want to bring it up again, because the whole incident is over, done, history. Denver Post writer Adrian Dater's now-more-than-infamous rant against ESPN last week has been blogged into oblivion, partly by me. And others. And others. And still others.

But it's over now. The Post took the blog entries down, Dater said he was sorry, and everybody has gone back to giving ESPN the verbal and written handjobs it so richly deserves.

But nooooooooooo, just when you think it's all been put to rest, in waltzes some Johnny-come-lately with a half-assed report on the incident. Denver Westword (is that a newspaper or just some web site? I don't live in Denver) has decided to run a ~~hatchet piece~~ less-than-comprehensive story on the exchange between AD and the Four-Letter.

Blatantly missing from the report is any mention whatsoever of Dear Lord Stanley or fellow Avs-blogging hero JibbleScribbits, the very people who brought attention to the whole mess in the first place. Not that we're proud of that. I'm sure Dater would have preferred the whole thing not have drawn so much attention (or maybe not---you never know in this sensationalist media environment). But anyway, nothing about us. There's a brief mention of Greg at the Fanhouse, but no link to his post about the whole sorry blowup. Nothing about the very people---nay, the very heroes---that alerted the hockey blogosphere to a truly remarkable train wreck of an opinion piece in the first place.

If Denver Westword is in fact a printed publication, it just further illustrates the blatant failures of that medium, especially when trying to cross over to the web. If it is primarily a web-based outfit, then shame on them for just being lazy.

But it's cool. Whatever. I'm just sitting around in my underwear in my mom's basement anyway, and she just made me cookies. Thanks Mom.

At least she still loves me.

UPDATE: Tapeleg over at JerseysAndHockeyLove has politely informed me that Denver Westword is a free, weekly (printed) publication with a focus on the local arts, music and media scene. Just to clarify.

The Obvious Solution To Low-Scoring Hockey Games

2007-06-27T16:08:00.000-04:00

As I've detailed (and lamented) before on the hallowed pages of this blog, many hockey columnists and NHL officials are convinced that goal-scoring is far too low and an increase in said goal-scoring would play a major role in attracting American fans to the league. More goals = more eyeballs, the theory goes.

With that premise firmly rooted in their minds, these columnists and officials see no better option than to simply increase the size of the nets, thus, theoretically, making it easier for shooters to get past the swollen goalies and score more goals. Which is a good thing, they say. The end-all, be-all of good things.

It's not a surprise that a league run by Gary Bettman, a former NBA executive, would favor such a scheme. In the NBA, goal-scoring is completely out of control. A typical final score for an NBA game is 129-109. Obviously, in professional basketball there are no goalies (goaltending is a foul play) and strong defense (and even the tiniest physical contact) is highly discouraged and/or penalized.

If Bettman really wants the NHL to mimic the NBA, there's really only one solution: ban goaltending. That's right, I said it. Quit screwing with the rules of the game, the lines on the ice and the size of the goals. Just ban goalies. No more Roberto Luongo, no more Martin Brodeur, no more Marty Turco. All teams would have to do is skate past the blue line, lob the puck at the net and hope no defensemen are in the way. Simple enough. We'd easily see final scores like 36-30 and 41-38, and the red light would constantly be flashing---which is a fail-safe recipe for league success, right?

Isn't that what everybody really wants?

As Greg at the Fanhouse pointed out, Martin Brodeur has quit the NHL Competition Committee out of frustration that nobody is listening to his concerns. The league should take this as an obvious sign that goalies are troublemakers and just do away with them altogether. We wouldn't have to worry about adding asterisks to the stats of any future goalies in a bigger-goal era---there wouldn't be any more goalie stats!

Dear Lord Stanley hereby officially endorses the banning of all goaltenders from the NHL, effective this coming season. There is no better way to ensure more goals scored, which is obviously an idea bigger than Jesus right now. Do it for Baby Jesus.