Roenick Defies Critics, Geritol Addiction, Scores Two Goals For Sharks

photo courtesy of Richard Lam/AP
Jeremy Roenick still hasn't gotten the memo. He's too old to still be playing hockey in the NHL. Everybody seems to understand this but him.

On the same night that fellow AARP member Bill Guerin scored three assists for the Islanders, Roenick led his new team, the Sharks, to a 3-1 win over the Vancouver Canucks by scoring two goals. Both were against Roberto Luongo (the most perfect goaltender in history, EVER), in case the significance hasn't yet set in for you.

The goals were Roenicks' 496th and 497th overall. If he were to score three more, he would become only the third American-born player to reach the milestone of 500, following Joe Mullen and Mike "don't call me Willa's bitch" Modano. Retirement communities around the country are no doubt rooting hard for Jeremy.

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Jeremy Roenick Reluctantly Bows To Unending Demand He Keep Playing

photo courtesy of BarryMelroseRocks

Jeremy Roenick retired earlier this summer. Then today, he unretired. That's how he rolls, get used to it.

Roenick, who put up a truly dominant performance last season with the Phoenix Coyotes (70 games, 28 points), could no longer resist the unceasing calls for him to stay just one more season in the NHL. He has signed a one-year deal with the San Jose Sharks, who apparently no longer have any interest in finding young, talented players.

Roenick used to be good. Not only did he score a lot of goals, he also caused a video game sensation by being the best player by far on the hallowed Sega Genesis game NHL '94. Even with a humble 87 rating, he crushed the opposition and scored at will. I can't count the number of times I broke Wayne Gretzky's skull with a Jeremy Roenick elbow check and made Curtis Joseph look stupid with a ridiculous breakaway deke.

Those were the days when Roenick was a hockey god. Now, not so much.

All he really has going for himself now is a legacy of loud-mouthed buffoonery and silly antics. Granted, Roenick's got about 15,000 times more personality than anybody currently playing in the NHL (other than Captain Charisma himself, Sidney Crosby). After he drops dead on the ice sometime in late November he'll truly be missed. By somebody I'm sure.

NOTE: Due to the Labor Day holiday, there will be no Gratuitous Tuesday post this week. Unless I suddenly become far more mature in the next seven days, that feature will resume as normal next week.

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