Dear Lord Stanley...: 2007

December 6, 2007

Bucci's List Of Drummers Beats The Hell Out Of Me

For the record, I like John Buccigross. I like his writing style and I like him because the man has a definite love for hockey. I even look past his ridiculous knee jerk approval of the Bigger Nets Would Be Better delusion because I think he has a good heart.

But a response to an email in this week's male bag (oops, mail bag) went too far. First, the email, in its entirety, from "Daniel Murray" (if that is his real name):

U2's Larry Mullen, Jr., is the best drummer in the last 30 years. That is all.

No he isn't. That is all.

Even worse than that ridiculous opinion was Bucci's response, which both pleased me greatly and made me want to punch something:

Travis Barker, Neil Peart, Lars Ulrich, and Danny Carey also in the mix.

It is almost impossible to argue that Neil Peart of Rush is not one of the greatest drummers of the last 30 years. He's a master of the craft. His solos are legendary. And it's also tough to argue against Danny Carey, whose technical perfection makes Tool the amazing band that it is---almost more so than Maynard Keenan's voice (but not quite). And I'll forgive the Travis Barker comment if only because the guy has a Dag Nasty tattoo on his chest and Blink 182 at least had a sense of humor despite being pretty terrible in general.

But Lars Ulrich? Is Bucci fucking insane? Forgetting for a moment that Metallica hasn't released a good record since the very early 1990s, and forgetting that they are possibly the most annoying group of people in the entire music industry, Lars Ulrich is, hands-down, the most overrated drummer in modern rock history. He's ridiculed by serious drummers everywhere and has been for decades, literally.

I submit to evidence Item A, this horrendous "drum solo," in which James Hetfield outplays Ulrich at the end, that unfortunately continues to exist on video despite my personal efforts to destroy it.

I'm sorry but it must be seen to be believed.

And to put Ulrich on a list with Danny Carey (while excluding Mike Portnoy) is absolutely atrocious. To make up for Bucci's transgression, I submit to you a hodge podge of Carey and Portnoy clips. Hopefully that will heal the pain he's caused.

I think Bettman needs to consider a two-game suspension for John Buccigross.

Court Documents Finger Crawford, But Not In The Good Way

I know this is going to come as a huge surprise to everybody, but it appears that former Vancouver coach Marc Crawford may have ordered Todd Bertuzzi's attack on former Avalanche player Steve Moore back in 2004.

I know, it's hard to believe that Moore, who had never done anything at all to Bertuzzi, nor really done anything wrong in general (his earlier hit on Marcus Naslund was clean and perfectly legal), would somehow be the target of a psycho coach's revenge fantasy.

Trust me, I'm an Avs fan, I know all about Crawford's bouts with insanity.

But let's not leave out Brian Burke. Though he may not have ordered the attack as the Canucks GM at the time, he certainly didn't make any kind of denouncements after it was done. And Bertuzzi is still his boy to this day.

November 27, 2007

For Crying Out Loud Wait Until January, At Least

Obviously, mainstream hockey columnists are running out of ideas. Take, for instance, the recent glut of features at ESPN doling out the hardware this early in the season.

I kind of understand a mid-season piece on potential trophy winners, but it's not mid-season. Hell, it's just barely quarter-season. Most teams haven't played 25 games yet, but already the big wigs at the Four Letter are already tossing out the shiny bits like doing so means a damn thing whatsoever. There's even a poll so fans can chime in with their equally meaningless projections. I voted for Kipper for both the Hart and the Vezina. Not gonna happen.

And sure, George Johnson, I agree that Vincent Lecavalier has had a great start to his season, but he's still got almost 60 games left to play, and his team is above only basement-dwelling Washington in the Southeast Division standings. A lot could still happen, genius.

Can we at least wait until the All Star Game to start this meaningless exercise? Seriouslah.

November 26, 2007

Don't Hire The Maple Leafs As Your Financial Advisor

Why did nobody tell me the Maple Leafs are paying Pavel Kubina $5 million a year? Why did David Amber have to clue me in late last week with his column about over-priced players?

Just look at the photo above. The asshole bought a Ferrari.

Seriously, Pavel Kubina? $5 million a year?! Sure, he's having a decent season so far, but it's not like he's Scott Niedermayer or anybody like that. Kubina is a career -85, and that includes his time on the Cup-winning Tampa Bay Lightning. Speaking of which, that's about as close to the Cup that most of the Maple Leafs are ever going to come.

Blame Kubina's salary, or his Ferrari.

Nobody Likes A Show Off

photo courtesy of AP
The Dallas Stars sure have it rough. While some teams in the NHL barely have one serviceable starting goaltender, the Stars have the unique burden of having two much-more-than-just-serviceable (some would say "superb") netminders backing them up. Boo hoo.

Marty Turco, the starter for the Stars the past few seasons, is a great goalie. There's no question about that. His extended duel with Roberto Luongo in last year's playoffs is now the stuff of legend. But Turco, as great as he is, may actually be fighting for his job against some young punk named Smith. Mike Smith.

That's right, the owner of the Most Boring Name In The NHL, Smith is proving himself to be just as amazing as Dallas fans have claimed. He's won his last four starts and has a very impressive 2.19 GAA and .916 save percentage. Oh, and last night, he made 39 saves against the Rangers.

The Stars currently lead the Pacific Division and look to be solidifying their lead on the backs of two star goalies. And that is why I hate them.

November 22, 2007

Briere To Critics: STFU

photo courtesy of Gerry Broome/AP
When he signed an eight-year, $52 million free agent contract with the Flyers over the summer, hockey talking heads were apprehensive. That much money for a guy who's only 5-9, 175-pounds? That much for a guy who'd only had a couple of really good years in Buffalo? Briere instead of Chris Drury?

Well, the Flyers didn't sweat it, and now they look like friggin' geniuses.

Briere scored a hat trick and an assist in the Flyers' 6-3 crushing of a very, very good Carolina Hurricanes team last night. Danny Boy now has 10 goals and 24 points in 20 games, and his team is second in the Atlantic Division with 25 points and a 12-7-1 record.

Former teammate Chris "Avalanche Ex-Girlfriend" Drury, on the other hand, has just 13 points (three goals) in 21 games. Though the Rangers are playing very well and lead the Flyers in the standings by two points, Briere is looking like the better free agent deal, by far.

Briere says his critics can suck it. They'll probably have to kneel down pretty low.

November 20, 2007

Gratuitous Tuesday!!

I'm not really a fan of country music rising star Kellie Pickler (pictured to the right while at the American Music Awards), but I do wholly support her dumping Predators antagonizer Jordin Tootoo. That guy is a jerk, but in a "Sean Avery Lite" kind of way. I'm glad that Ms. Pickler is free to pursue other romantic possibilities. As in, me.

In other critically important news, Mike Comrie's much better half Hilary Duff has been all over the news lately, as usual. Near the beginning of the month she was seen being a very, very bad girl, providing young Mike with a series of very public lap dances, albeit fully clothed lap dances. Clearly impressed with her talents, Mike was then seen shopping for an engagement ring (under "Quick Hits"). Everybody knows that dating for six months is by far enough time to decide you want to marry someone.

Then, in the past day or so, Duff was seen at the Hollywood celebrity trash hole Hyde, hanging with friends until being "escorted out of the club" by an apparent buddy of Comrie's, whatever that means. This wouldn't be worth mentioning if Elisha Cuthbert wasn't also at Hyde that night, god bless her. I'm not sure what she's doing hanging out with fire crotch Shaun White, but I assume it's just for tips on snowboarding or something. And I won't even justify the rumors she's still messing around with Sean Avery. Elisha, please come home now.

November 19, 2007

Hurting Other Players On Purpose Is Awesome

photo of a whiny baby courtesy of Jeff Vinnick/Getty
Man, have you heard about the coolest new trend in the National Hockey League? It's called "illegal play with intent to injure," and all the kids are doing it. Sure, if you get caught you get a time-out, like those three Flyers players. And Chris Simon got a pretty long suspension for hitting some guy in the face with his stick, but Simon's a cool guy and that other loser needs to toughen up.

And really, I don't know why Mikko Koivu doesn't just get over it. He threw an elbow first, so getting a samurai chop to the leg with a hard ass hockey stick should have been expected, even if it did cause a fracture. What a baby.

Welcome to the "New NHL," kids. Quit complaining and get used to it.

November 17, 2007

Jose Theodore Imitates A Snowman In August

photo courtesy of Matt Slocum/AP
Jose Theodore almost had everyone fooled. He managed to play very well for four games straight, as the Colorado Avalanche built up a decent early-season record of 11-5-2, while splitting the team's goaltending duties with the historically more consistent Peter Budaj.

Until last night against the Dallas Stars, that is.

In a meltdown of epic proportions, Theodore revealed his true form, the same sucky form he had last year, the year before and the year before that. Everyone was waiting for it; everyone knew it was coming. It was just a matter of when. Well, when is now.

Part of a 6-1 rout, Theodore gave up five goals on fifteen shots before being pulled in the middle of the second period. Theodore then instantly became a puddle on the Avalanche bench, leaving behind only a baseball hat and a bottle of Propecia. And a love note from Paris Hilton.

November 16, 2007

Laraque Tries To Kill Puck, Accidentally Scores Goal

Georges Laraque, the massive, intimidating enforcer for the Pittsburgh Penguins, was just trying to do his job. He is the hired "protector" of superstar Sidney Crosby, and he's good at it. Arguably the most dangerous NHL "heavyweight" since Bob Probert, Laraque is well-known for his pugilistic superiority.

Last night, Laraque was on the ice in the second period with Crosby, keeping the opposing Islanders players in check when suddenly he noticed something fishy.

"Georges was just skating around and noticed something attached to Sid's stick," said a Penguins teammate who requested to remain anonymous. "He wasn't sure what it was, but it seemed to be annoying Sid because he kept batting it around on the ice. Georges then watched as the little object suddenly turned and came straight for him. All he did was hit at it, trying to beat it up, but he knocked it into the net instead and a big horn sounded!"

Laraque, not realizing that he was actually hitting a hockey puck instead of an opposing player's face, inadvertently scored the game-winning goal for the Penguins. The goal was his first in 40 games, proving that he is a true asset to a team struggling to win games on a regular basis. The victory was the first in five games for Pittsburgh.

November 15, 2007

Barry Bonds Has Nothing To Do With Hockey At All

But I'll be damned if I don't get in on the Google search orgy that will ensue from his announced indictment on perjury and obstruction of justice charges.

Not that this surprises anyone, of course, but it sure is big news on ESPN and just about every other news outlet in the country. And we all know how much Bonds really likes the press to begin with. I bet he's loving all this free publicity.

Anyway, he has nothing to do with hockey except maybe having a larger head than Mark Messier. But just barely.

Vancouver Canucks Barely Out-Suck The Edmonton Oilers

photo courtesy of Jonathan Hayward/AP
The Vancouver Canucks were barely able to surpass the lousiness of their Northwest Division rival Edmonton Oilers last night, losing a scoreless game in a shootout, 1-0.

Losing to an offensively-retarded team that only managed 19 shots on goal---most of them weak and easy to stop---is a tall order, but the Canucks were able to make it happen, rewarding the hard work of goalie Roberto Luongo with another pathetic defeat. Sure, they earned a point by dragging the game to overtime, but at least they still failed to score a goal in regulation.

"It's tough to go out there every night and not score a single point, but sometimes we get it done," said an anonymous Canucks player rumored to be center Henrik Sedin. "Roberto looked great out there tonight, so we had no choice but to give him absolutely no scoring support. That's the kind of teammates we are."

The Oilers, on the other hand, gained two points on the Minnesota Wild, who are in second place in the Northwest and who Edmonton plays tonight. This matchup will prove to be another exciting, scoreless game filled with frustrating neutral zone traps and toothless, uncoordinated offensive attacks. Western Conference hockey at its very best!

October 17, 2007

Hartley Rewarded For Hard Work As Coach Of Lousy Team

Bob Hartley is not a bad coach. He won a Stanley Cup with the Colorado Avalanche back in 2001, so obviously he has talent behind the bench. But, looking at the lineup of that team, even Wayne Gretzky could have coached the Avs to a championship.

I kid the Great One, I kid.

But back to Hartley, today the Atlanta Thrashers fired his ass because they haven't managed to win a game yet this season---the only winless team in the entire NHL. It's not uncommon for a hockey team to fire their coach when they can't win any games. But is it really Hartley's fault? The team isn't exactly stacked with talent. It's not exactly stacked with anything except a bunch of guys who are either too old to still be playing or belong in the AHL. Hossa and Kovalchuk are pretty good, but Hossa's injured. One guy can't carry an entire team.

So, is it fair to fire a coach when the front office doesn't give him all that much to work with? Hartley has proven in the past that when given a lineup almost totally filled with All-Stars, he can win a Cup. Why is it so hard for Atlanta to provide that for him?

October 15, 2007

Bear With Me

Due to a severe lack of spare time, and my contractual obligation to keep Mile High Hockey up-to-date and as active as possible, Dear Lord Stanley will be taking ~~a week~~ two days or so off---not that it hasn't kind of done that already.

Bear with me while I pull my head out of my ass and get things together. Thanks.

October 9, 2007

Gratuitous Tuesday

The Flames could use some serious cheerleading after going 0-1-1 in their first two games under new coach "Iron" Mike Keenan. Even worse, both games were at home, where Calgary is usually very strong. Scott Burnside lays it out for us in the final paragraph of this article.

On the opposite end of the luck spectrum, enjoying some of the best of his life, Mike Comrie continues to have a big impact on his New York Islanders team. In the first two games of the season, Comrie scored two goals, including two game-winners. Things must be going really well for him these days. Though he didn't get a goal against the Capitals last night, Mikie Poo is still playing really well. I bet there's something (or someone) to blame for all of his strong play lately.

Finally, it's been known for a week now that former American Idol cast member Kellie Pickler has broken it off with Predators ~~douche bag~~ enforcer Jordin Tootoo. But her luck as a single girl isn't turning out like she probably planned. She's getting some action, sure, but in all the wrong places. Hang in there, Kellie, hang in there.

My door is always open, except when Elisha is over.

October 7, 2007

Paul Stastny Asks, Who's YOUR Daddy?

Paul Stastny has quite a legacy to live up to. His dad, Hall of Fame player for the Quebec Nordiques (with a brief stint on the Devils), was Peter Stastny.

Who's Sidney Crosby's dad? Is he in the Hall? I think not.

Though it's obviously a tall order, Stastny doesn't seem to be having any trouble following in his dad's footsteps. Last season, he finished second in the Calder voting for Rookie Of The Year (behind some kid named Malkin). This season, well, he's doing slightly better.

Stastny scored five points (1g, 4a) against the San Jose Sharks on Sunday night, which, combined with his hat trick in the first game of the season for his Colorado Avalanche team, brings him to eight total for the year. In three games.

In case you're bad at math, Son Of Stastny (as I call him) is on pace to score 219 points this season. I can see absolutely no reason why he wouldn't do so. It would only be a three-fold increase of his point total from last season, which is completely normal for a second-year player. Oh, and 219 points would set a new record, replacing some other guy with a "y" at the end of his name.

Son Of Stastny will not be denied.

October 6, 2007

Roenick Defies Critics, Geritol Addiction, Scores Two Goals For Sharks

photo courtesy of Richard Lam/AP
Jeremy Roenick still hasn't gotten the memo. He's too old to still be playing hockey in the NHL. Everybody seems to understand this but him.

On the same night that fellow AARP member Bill Guerin scored three assists for the Islanders, Roenick led his new team, the Sharks, to a 3-1 win over the Vancouver Canucks by scoring two goals. Both were against Roberto Luongo (the most perfect goaltender in history, EVER), in case the significance hasn't yet set in for you.

The goals were Roenicks' 496th and 497th overall. If he were to score three more, he would become only the third American-born player to reach the milestone of 500, following Joe Mullen and Mike "don't call me Willa's bitch" Modano. Retirement communities around the country are no doubt rooting hard for Jeremy.

Crosby Fails To Score In First Penguins Game, Considers Seppuku

photo courtesy of Gerry Broome/AP
If Sidney Crosby fails to score at least 200 points this season, the world could very well end. The seas could boil, the skies could fall, and the Earth could reverse its natural rotation.

Knowing that he'll never really be considered a decent player unless he surpasses Wayne Gretzky's dozens of NHL records, rumor has it that Crosby is severely traumatized by his failure to score a single point in his team's loss to the Carolina Hurricanes yesterday. Reliable sources (these two homeless guys I gave a quarter to on the street) report that Crosby is considering Japanese ritual suicide should he fail to score at least an assist in the next game he plays.

It's unfortunate, but that's really the only option Crosby has. If he fails to fulfill the endless hype and expectations placed upon him by the hockey media, well, he might as well just stop living.

October 2, 2007

Get On With It!

All that London bullsh-t aside, the NHL season gets started tomorrow night. I've got my subscription to Center Ice Online, various refreshments, my game-time apparel and my alternative outfit if the first one gets overly soiled---you know, from the beer. Or whatever.

Now all I need is a nice group of young, attractive ladies to watch the games with. Oh, wait, I meant these ladies. Oops.

Because I'm so excited about the upcoming season, I'm not doing a Gratuitous Tuesday post this week. There's just too many other things to think about than some cheap, skanky, totally inappropriate pictures posted for no reason whatsoever. I'm not going to stoop that low this time. No sir.

So get ready for the season to get going, and look out for the best year ever from Dear Lord Stanley. Or, if not the best, at least the most likely to get you fired from your job.

October 1, 2007

Avalanche Bloggers Have Too Much Spare Time

The numerous and talented Avalanche bloggers on this here net of inters have combined forces. The result, the first ever Avalanche Blogger Roundtable. Nine blogs, eleven bloggers, and the answers to eight important questions you probably never thought to ask about the best team in the NHL.

The center of all the action is my other blog (the good one), Mile High Hockey.

Be sure to check it out. You've got nothing better to do, right?

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