Jose Theodore Imitates A Snowman In August

photo courtesy of Matt Slocum/AP
Jose Theodore almost had everyone fooled. He managed to play very well for four games straight, as the Colorado Avalanche built up a decent early-season record of 11-5-2, while splitting the team's goaltending duties with the historically more consistent Peter Budaj.

Until last night against the Dallas Stars, that is.

In a meltdown of epic proportions, Theodore revealed his true form, the same sucky form he had last year, the year before and the year before that. Everyone was waiting for it; everyone knew it was coming. It was just a matter of when. Well, when is now.

Part of a 6-1 rout, Theodore gave up five goals on fifteen shots before being pulled in the middle of the second period. Theodore then instantly became a puddle on the Avalanche bench, leaving behind only a baseball hat and a bottle of Propecia. And a love note from Paris Hilton.

---

Read More...

Summary only...

Avalanche Clinches Deal With Ryan Smyth, Mullet-Lovers Everywhere

Gritty winger Ryan Smyth, he of the flowing mane and illustrious nickname “Captain Canada” (complete with Canadian Tuxedo?), will sign a 5-year deal with the Colorado Avalanche at an average of $6 million a year. The high-scoring former Oiler/Islander will fit in well with the Avalanche offensive system and should provide a much-needed presence deep in the slot, receiving dead-on passes from either Paul Stastny or Joe Sakic as a member of either the top or second line. Or both. Or maybe Smyth will just levitate above the ice like Hockey Jesus and toss pucks into opposing goals using only his mind. Judging from the overwhelmingly positive response among Avalanche fans, you’d think he could do that.

Smyth reportedly received competitive offers from 10 teams, including the Islanders, who acquired him last season from the Oilers at the trade deadline. The Avalanche apparently made the most appealing pitch, however. The Islanders now have nothing to show for their initial deal, which cost them two future prospects and a high draft pick. They also lost Jason Blake (40 goals) and a couple of other decent players which means their playoff days are likely done for a while.

There is no doubt that Ryan Smyth will have a positive impact on the Avs this coming season. If he doesn’t, he can join Jose Theodore on the bench, where overpaid underachievers get to hang out during Avalanche games. Theodore, whose deadline for being bought out passed yesterday, will be resuming his role as the highest-paid backup goaltender in the NHL this coming season.

Read More...

Summary only...

Avalanche Likely To Keep Theodore, Losing Hockey Games

According to sports agent Don Meehan, the Colorado Avalanche will not buy out $6 million backup goalie Jose Theodore's contract and will allow him to finish his last year with the team. DLS is not a fan of Paris Theodore, but there are logical monetary arguments for not buying him out, so I'm not surprised that the Avs will keep him around.

Unfortunately, Theodore is still washed up until he proves otherwise, and he's already been given plenty of chances to do so. Hopefully this year Coach Q will not try a two-goalie approach like he did in the beginning of last season. Go with Budaj full time unless he implodes, leave Theo on the bench to ponder his confusing but continued existence in the National Hockey League.

Maybe Theodore will end up being really good this coming season. Maybe he'll re-establish himself as a top tier goalie and lead the Avalanche to their third Stanley Cup. Maybe I need to lay off the hallucinogens.


In other Avalanche contract news, the team has re-signed overrated power forward Scott "The Sheriff" Parker and young minor league defenseman Johnny Boychuk to a couple of cheap contracts. No surprises there.

Read More...

Summary only...

Paris Hilton Is The Most Important Person In The World

How could I not jump into the "All Paris, All The Time" news orgy going on right now? I don't really have anything of substance to add to the hilarious legal clusterf-ck that is her life right now, or the emotional disaster that being subjected to actual reality has made her, but maybe I'll score some Google search hits with these dated but still-amazing photos of her helping Jose Theodore ruin his personal life.

That's really what it's all about. The more unique visitors the better!


Funny, that's also the official policy of Paris Hilton's sex life...zing!




UPDATE (6/9/07): It seems Paris, god bless her, has even single-handedly shoved the Stanley Cup-winning Ducks out of the Los Angeles media spotlight, which they got to enjoy for a whole day. Not that a local "bear on the highway" story couldn't do the same, of course.

Read More...

Summary only...

Show Some Spine!

Don't wimp out on us, Giguere. Cut Jose Theodore, take the cap hit over two seasons, sign a decent backup at around $1 million and get this party started.

I believe in you, you can do it.


Addendum: There are many who think that money is somehow an issue in the whole Jose Theodore clusterf-ck. It's not. Let me tell you why. If the Avs cut Theodore and buy out his contract, they take an immediate $4 million hit against the salary cap this season. They have the option of spreading that total across two seasons, $2 million this year and $2 million the next. Now, your average decent NHL backup goaltender on the free agent market is going to run you no less than about $1 million a year. Even if a complete buyout of Theodore and the signing of a new backup costs the same overall as keeping Theodore, the Avs still come out on top because they have a different backup than Theodore. If you're stuck paying way too much for a backup goalie, it might as well be for a good one, right?

Read More...

Summary only...

The Cult Of Theo

There are a lot of Avalanche fans, mostly the message board-crawling kind, that are obsessively supportive of Jose Theodore. Say anything disparaging about him, and they instantly see red. To criticize him for his poor performance this season is to be unfair, even mean, they say.

But let's be objective here and look at his numbers.

In 33 games played, Theodore won only 13 of them, and lost 15. His goals against average for the season was 3.26, considerably higher than Peter Budaj's admirable 2.68. Theodore also was only able to muster a save percentage of .891, which is really not good at all. Unless you're Olaf Kolzig playing behind a non-existent defense like that of the Capitals, you have no excuse. No shutouts. Six penalty minutes compared to Budaj's zero. All in all an inferior performance.

But, the Theo-lovers argue, he was coming off a season almost completely lost to injury, and he won the Vezina and Hart trophies a few years ago. This is all true, but Montreal wasn't willing to trade Theo for David Aebischer because Theo was still a great goalie. They traded him because he was a financial burden, and he still is today.

I have a distinct feeling that the Avalanche fans so quick to come to Theodore's defense do so purely out of emotional sympathy. In fact, that's the only possible reason, since he hasn't done anything in the crease for the Avalanche that is worth sticking up for. Maybe a good record in shootouts (he only faced six total shots), but not much else.

The Avalanche don't have time for emotional sympathy. They are a business, and the bottom line is that Jose Theodore's performance is not worth six million dollars a year. It wasn't worth two million dollars a year, which is what the Avs will save if they cut his contract now and send him on his way. This is not an emotional argument, it is objective, based on his performance and the salary cap needs of the Avalanche as a franchise.

Jose Theodore is a waste of money, and was unable to prove himself when given numerous chances. There is no reason the Avalanche should continue to carry his bloated contract when they cannot count on him, even as a backup. It is time to admit the trade was a gamble that failed. Such is hockey.

Read More...

Summary only...

Colorado 6, Calgary 3 (The REAL End)

At least they went out on a high note. Not a Dan Hinote, but a high note nonetheless.

The Avs beat the Flames handily in a come-from-behinder that included Joe Sakic reaching 100 points, Jose Theodore actually winning a game, and rookie hero Paul Stastny recording a goal and an assist.

And to top it all off, Ian Laperriere beat the living crap out of Flames Doucheman Dion Phaneuf for a cheap-shot on Dear Lord Stanley favorite Tyler Arnason.

photo courtesy AP/Jack Dempsey (how fitting?)

Said Lappy:

"Nineteen players out of 20 on their team knew exactly how the game was going to be played: play hard but don't be stupid. At the end, it was a stupid hit. We don't want to hurt them going into the playoffs and nobody wants to get hurt going into the summer. You can play hard and smart, but he decided to take a run at Arnason and I felt it was the place to tell him it's not right.

"You just can't do that. You've got to respect the game because it's going to come back and bite you."

Too bad the game itself didn't really mean anything...

Except this: The team that deserves the eighth spot the most will not be in the playoffs this year.

For the first time in my entire life I'm actually rooting for the Dead Wings to win a playoff series. I hope Detroit crushes the Flames in four games, all shutouts, and reminds them that literally backing into the playoffs with the help of a ridiculous one-point-for-an-overtime-loss system will not cut it in the NHL. Destroy them, Dead Wings.

Just make sure you lose the next round, of course.

Read More...

Summary only...

Colorado 5, Vancouver 4 (SO)

I have to admit, the Avalanche got lucky in this one. They did play hard, though, and Jose Theodore proved once again that while he's a almost always a terrible goalie during regulation, nobody can beat him in a shootout (so far).

And I wonder, why didn't coach Quenneville rest Peter Budaj during the second game against Edmonton last week? That would have been an excellent time to let the workhorse take a day off and recover from his long stretch of starts recently. Just sayin'.

Read More...

Summary only...