Dear Lord Stanley...: columnists

Showing posts with label columnists. Show all posts

Showing posts with label columnists. Show all posts

December 6, 2007

Bucci's List Of Drummers Beats The Hell Out Of Me

For the record, I like John Buccigross. I like his writing style and I like him because the man has a definite love for hockey. I even look past his ridiculous knee jerk approval of the Bigger Nets Would Be Better delusion because I think he has a good heart.

But a response to an email in this week's male bag (oops, mail bag) went too far. First, the email, in its entirety, from "Daniel Murray" (if that is his real name):

U2's Larry Mullen, Jr., is the best drummer in the last 30 years. That is all.

No he isn't. That is all.

Even worse than that ridiculous opinion was Bucci's response, which both pleased me greatly and made me want to punch something:

Travis Barker, Neil Peart, Lars Ulrich, and Danny Carey also in the mix.

It is almost impossible to argue that Neil Peart of Rush is not one of the greatest drummers of the last 30 years. He's a master of the craft. His solos are legendary. And it's also tough to argue against Danny Carey, whose technical perfection makes Tool the amazing band that it is---almost more so than Maynard Keenan's voice (but not quite). And I'll forgive the Travis Barker comment if only because the guy has a Dag Nasty tattoo on his chest and Blink 182 at least had a sense of humor despite being pretty terrible in general.

But Lars Ulrich? Is Bucci fucking insane? Forgetting for a moment that Metallica hasn't released a good record since the very early 1990s, and forgetting that they are possibly the most annoying group of people in the entire music industry, Lars Ulrich is, hands-down, the most overrated drummer in modern rock history. He's ridiculed by serious drummers everywhere and has been for decades, literally.

I submit to evidence Item A, this horrendous "drum solo," in which James Hetfield outplays Ulrich at the end, that unfortunately continues to exist on video despite my personal efforts to destroy it.

I'm sorry but it must be seen to be believed.

And to put Ulrich on a list with Danny Carey (while excluding Mike Portnoy) is absolutely atrocious. To make up for Bucci's transgression, I submit to you a hodge podge of Carey and Portnoy clips. Hopefully that will heal the pain he's caused.

I think Bettman needs to consider a two-game suspension for John Buccigross.

November 27, 2007

For Crying Out Loud Wait Until January, At Least

Obviously, mainstream hockey columnists are running out of ideas. Take, for instance, the recent glut of features at ESPN doling out the hardware this early in the season.

I kind of understand a mid-season piece on potential trophy winners, but it's not mid-season. Hell, it's just barely quarter-season. Most teams haven't played 25 games yet, but already the big wigs at the Four Letter are already tossing out the shiny bits like doing so means a damn thing whatsoever. There's even a poll so fans can chime in with their equally meaningless projections. I voted for Kipper for both the Hart and the Vezina. Not gonna happen.

And sure, George Johnson, I agree that Vincent Lecavalier has had a great start to his season, but he's still got almost 60 games left to play, and his team is above only basement-dwelling Washington in the Southeast Division standings. A lot could still happen, genius.

Can we at least wait until the All Star Game to start this meaningless exercise? Seriouslah.

August 24, 2007

Daydreamin' Terry

Don't hold your breath, Terry. Don't hold your breath.

photo courtesy Predators.com

August 6, 2007

Lowe And Behold: Brooks Comes To Edmonton GM's Defense

Edmonton Oilers general manager Kevin Lowe has grabbed headlines this summer for his outrageous restricted free agent offer sheets. First he targeted Thomas Vanek of the Sabres, to no avail. Then he tossed $21 million at Dustin Penner of the Anaheim Ducks, knowing that team was up against the salary cap and probably couldn't afford to match the inflated, totally ridiculous terms.

Sure, Lowe and Edmonton get a talented young player in Penner, but at the price of $21 million and THREE first round draft picks. Considering the likely poor showing the Oilers will make over the next three seasons due to a serious lack of depth, those picks should be very high, and the upcoming draft pools are slated to be stocked full of talent. The clear winner in this nasty situation is Anaheim.

Is Lowe and idiot? Larry Brooks of the New York Post says "Heck No!":

But the offer sheet to Penner was right out of the Group II, 101A syllabus. Lowe found a player he liked on a team that was up against the hard cap and thus vulnerable. Such a move is not only not outside the spirit of the CBA, it is codified by the labor agreement.

Oh sure, Lowe was not breaking any rules, but he WAS being an idiot. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. Lowe has sacrificed the future of his team for immediate gain---and extremely limited immediate gain at that. The Oilers, even with Penner, still lack depth at all positions and should have no trouble finishing at the bottom of the Northwest Division again this year.

And Brooks seems to gloss over the fact that Lowe specifically targeted the Ducks because of their cap space problem. The move reeks of malicious intent. While that may be okay under the Collective Bargaining Agreement, or even encouraged (parity is king, of course), that doesn't make it a smart decision, nor does it make it popular among other GMs.

Larry Brooks (and the Saskatoon Star Phoenix) can make all the excuses he wants. Kevin Lowe is a dick, and he'll definitely pay for it down the road.

August 2, 2007

Frei Tells Old Farts: Get The Hell Out!

Terry Frei, Denver Post and ESPN columnist, has now cast himself as an emperor overseeing a gladiator battle. With the simple gesture of a thumbs-down, Frei can dispatch anyone to instant death.

In this case, he's dispatching hockey players to the death of their careers.

Who makes his hit list? Well, let's say the guys he chose to call out aren't exactly tough to guess:

Eric Lindros
Jeremy Roenick
Patrice Brisebois
Pierre Turgeon
Michael Peca
and Peter Forsberg

Finally somebody has the guts to say Jeremy Roenick should retire. We haven't been hearing those rumors for months already, so Frei's recommendation is really courageous when you think about it.

And Forsberg? Who's that guy? I heard his ankles already retired two years ago.

June 27, 2007

A Little More Than Fashionably Late

I didn't want to bring it up again, because the whole incident is over, done, history. Denver Post writer Adrian Dater's now-more-than-infamous rant against ESPN last week has been blogged into oblivion, partly by me. And others. And others. And still others.

But it's over now. The Post took the blog entries down, Dater said he was sorry, and everybody has gone back to giving ESPN the verbal and written handjobs it so richly deserves.

But nooooooooooo, just when you think it's all been put to rest, in waltzes some Johnny-come-lately with a half-assed report on the incident. Denver Westword (is that a newspaper or just some web site? I don't live in Denver) has decided to run a ~~hatchet piece~~ less-than-comprehensive story on the exchange between AD and the Four-Letter.

Blatantly missing from the report is any mention whatsoever of Dear Lord Stanley or fellow Avs-blogging hero JibbleScribbits, the very people who brought attention to the whole mess in the first place. Not that we're proud of that. I'm sure Dater would have preferred the whole thing not have drawn so much attention (or maybe not---you never know in this sensationalist media environment). But anyway, nothing about us. There's a brief mention of Greg at the Fanhouse, but no link to his post about the whole sorry blowup. Nothing about the very people---nay, the very heroes---that alerted the hockey blogosphere to a truly remarkable train wreck of an opinion piece in the first place.

If Denver Westword is in fact a printed publication, it just further illustrates the blatant failures of that medium, especially when trying to cross over to the web. If it is primarily a web-based outfit, then shame on them for just being lazy.

But it's cool. Whatever. I'm just sitting around in my underwear in my mom's basement anyway, and she just made me cookies. Thanks Mom.

At least she still loves me.

UPDATE: Tapeleg over at JerseysAndHockeyLove has politely informed me that Denver Westword is a free, weekly (printed) publication with a focus on the local arts, music and media scene. Just to clarify.

June 21, 2007

Dater VS ESPN, Round 3

A day after the initial scandal created by Adrian Dater's now-infamous anti-ESPN rant on his blog at the Denver Post's web site, Greg at the AOL Fanhouse and Eric at OffWingOpinion have picked up the story.

In the meantime, as everyone now knows, the rant and Dater's non-apology follow-up post have been removed from the Post site, the follow-up forever lost into the memory hole (I wasn't able to save that one before it was gone).

But who's decision was it to remove the outbursts?

According to Dater himself, it was a mutual decision by him and his bosses at the Post to remove the blog entries because he was "a little over the line probably." In an email he sent me today, he wrote:

The one thing I do regret is naming individual names at ESPN. I just ticked off some names of reporters off the top of my head at that moment. I was trying to criticize in the collective sense, not the individual, so naming any names was dumb and I am sorry for that.

And I'll let that be the final word on the matter.

Goats Part II: Down The Media Memory Hole

(Dater VS ESPN, Round 2)

After causing an immediate blog frenzy by posting a foaming rant against the evils of ESPN, Avalanche beat writer Adrian Dater has apparently been censored by his employer, the Denver Post, upon whose web site he posted his spastic emotional outburst. The first post (the rant itself) and the follow-up post (the clarification of---but not apology for---the rant) have both been yanked from the site.

Because I care about historical preservation, and because I figured this would happen, I made a copy of the initial post (the rant) the second I started reading it. I have saved it in convenient jpeg format, for posterity, and will soon be submitting it to the National Archives.

Click here for the full text of his initial rant, via screenshot.

Don't thank me all at once.

Sadly, I was not so foresighted to make a copy of the follow-up post, but such is life. I'm sure somebody has a screenshot or an html copy lying around.

June 20, 2007

Avs Beat Writer Says ESPN Blows Goats. Goats Not Available For Comment.

(Dater VS ESPN, Round 1)

A couple of weeks ago, when I interviewed him about his book, Adrian Dater seemed like a pretty laid-back, friendly guy. Cool and calm, he responded to each of my silly questions and graciously humored a blogger he probably couldn't care less about.

Today, though, the gloves are off. He's got an axe to grind with a little network called ESPN, and he's not afraid to let it all out:

You can take your ESPN and all the alleged superiority that comes from being on it every day and you can shove it in that little space where there is very little sunlight, ever.

Hmm, a classy way to get the ball rolling. He goes on:

Do you hear me, ESPN producer schmucks? You didn’t break JACK SQUAT. Some real journalist at a newspaper broke that story. You’re nothing more than a bunch of pathetic piggybackers, trying to fool that gullible sports audience out there - of which you have legions of the duped tuning in daily.

This is getting good.

We newspaper people - the real journalists out there still - do not need to feel inferior to a bunch of made-up clowns with microphones in hand. Cash your paychecks and feel superior if you need to. But remember this: you’ll never be half our equals when it comes to being able to write and really report a story. Oh, and good luck making it in your business when the wrinkles start to show a little.

Now that's a blog entry! Raw emotion, sweeping generalizations and the uninhibited throwing of insults and accusations. Man, you can't beat that!

I'm not sure how things work over at the Denver Post, but I have a distinct feeling that this little blog entry of his may not go over too well at the next staff meeting. Then again, that's the same paper that has employed Woody Paige for years, so maybe they won't even notice.

Speaking of Woody Paige, a long-time ESPN talking head, I have a feeling he and Dater won't be playing golf together any time soon.

(Check out Jibblescribbits' take on the rant, while you're at it.)

UPDATE: Dater takes a deep breath, gets a little sleep, and calmly expands upon some of the points he made in his fierce old-school journalist beat-down of the pretty TV people. He's still really mad, though.

ANOTHER UPDATE: Both the original rant and Dater's more reasonable follow-up have been yanked from the Denver Post web site. Because I possess a keen sense of foresight, I made a copy of the original rant just in case something like this were to happen---and it always happens. It's available in handy jpeg format, so anybody can read it! Click here and enjoy.

June 15, 2007

ESPN Columnist George Johnson Loves Mike Keenan, Too

The hockey writers at ESPN.com aren't too keen on the hiring of Mike Keenan to coach the Calgary Flames. Yesterday, Scott Burnside dissed him. Today, aloof and mustachioed columnist George Johnson chimes in with words that are slightly south of supportive:

Yes, "Iron Mike" Keenan is back. Harder to get rid of than a zit a day before the prom. His authoritarian jackboots traded in for a pair of cow-pie clogged cowboy kickers, bringing his blunt, uncompromising, signature style to Calgary.

Zits and jackboots. Now those are some lovely images to invoke, George. But Johnson isn't done, not hardly:

Historically, his abrasive style has the shelf life of a wheel of unrefrigerated cave-aged Gruyere. He hasn't had success of any kind since commandeering the Rangers to that 1994 championship (a Cup that really belonged to Mark Messier , anyway). In subsequent pit stops in St. Louis, Boston, Vancouver and Miami, he got no closer to the Stanley Cup than during his days in charge at the University of Toronto.
Only one Keenan team in the past 13 years has advanced past the first round of the playoffs. Hmmm, see a pattern developing?

So, to recap, George Johnson thinks the whole Keenan thing in Calgary is likely to end very badly. So does Scott Burnside. So does Allan Maki at the Globe And Mail. The list could go on.

My only hope is that they're right, and Jerome Iginla, Miikka Kiprusoff, Dion Phaneuf and former Av Alex Tanguay are all driven out of town by Iron Mike. The fewer strong teams in the Northwest Division, the better.

June 7, 2007

Crybaby Watch™: Cox Wishes They Were Bigger

Not exactly sure how I missed this a couple of days ago, but Damien Cox on ESPN.com has cast his vote for the the same silly gimmick oft-proposed by otherwise-heroic colleague John Buccigross.

The premise: goal scoring is down. The subtext: the more goals scored the better.

Cox blames defense first, which of course has become absolutely stifling in the past few seasons. He also cites the obvious:

By the late 1980s and early 1990s, however, all goaltending equipment was being revolutionized by new materials and ideas. While the size of goal pads had always been regulated, most of the rest of goaltending gear hadn't. Quite naturally, that motivated many to go bigger. And bigger.

The result was that, by the late 1990s, the available shooting area had shrunk drastically from the 1960s to the modern era.

So, the two reasons goal scoring is down are 1) defensive dominance and 2) bloated goalies. Obviously, the only solution is to make the goals bigger!

I'm no genius, but wouldn't it be easier just to tell the goalies "enough of the crap, you sissies" and draw up strict rules for their equipment sizing? It's not like that technology hasn't advanced by leaps and bounds in recent years. Thin is in. I've said it before and I'll say it again, the NHL would be much better if Martin Brodeur looked more like Ken Dryden.

Scott Burnside Finally Gets Something Right

It's no secret that DLS isn't a big fan of ESPN.com hockey columnist Scott Burnside. We've definitely had our differences in the past. But, as part of his "memorable moments of the playoffs" article today, he includes a jab at the favorite target of every Avs fan: Detroit.

As for the place that likes to call itself Hockeytown, Detroit, they should be forced to loan that title to Buffalo after failing to sell out a single home date during the playoffs. Guess that's what you get for driving up your playoff ticket prices when the local economy is in the tank.

Finally he gets something right.

So what if the Avs didn't make the playoffs this season? The Wings ultimately lost in the Western finals anyway so all their hard work got them nothing. The Avs, in the meantime, got to rest an extra month and a half and work on their golf swings. I'd say Colorado got the better end of that deal.

PS - You don't think I'd actually waste more space talking about the stupid Ducks, did you?

May 24, 2007

Hradek On Free Agents

I love the few weeks between the end of the NHL season and the free agency signing period. Speculation runs wild and everybody says they know where the best players are going. And, almost always, the predictions are worthless.

Would Ryan Smyth pass on a 10-year deal with the Islanders in favor of Detroit?

Would Chris Drury say no to the Western Conference and join the Rangers?

Would Scott Gomez be a good fit in Atlanta?

Yes, says EJ Hradek on ESPN's hockey podcast today. And is he going to be proven right? Who the hell knows? Who cares? All I know is trying to predict this stuff is both fun and absolutely meaningless in the end.

May 15, 2007

Avalanche Beat Blog

For anyone not already aware, Denver Post hockey columnists Adrian Dater and Terry Frei have created a blog called "All Things Avs" on the paper's website. It's not exactly ground-breaking, but it's not a terrible read.

Crybaby Watch™: Bucci Wants More Room To Score

I generally like John Buccigross. If there is anyone who genuinely tries to promote the sport of hockey on ESPN.com, it's him. He used to anchor the show NHL2Night on the same network before they axed it permanently during the lockout, and he's still trying to get it back on the air. His articles about outdoor rinks, teaching his son the joy of the game and his believable support of all 30 NHL teams are truly a gift to hockey.

But he insists on widening the goals.

In nearly every column he writes, he mentions his obsession with changing the spread of the posts, which he believes will instantly transform the NHL into a league where scoring a goal is no longer a relatively rare event. In his column today, he waited to mention this until the letters section, but mention it he did. A reader asked if GPS tracking devices should be implanted in the pucks in order to accurately determine when a goal has been scored. His response:

With the NHL destined to be a tight-checking, close-scoring, low-scoring league until the net dimensions are increased, an improvement in puck tracking should be No. 1 on the offseason agenda.

What? How would the NHL cease to be tight-checking if the net dimensions are increased? Does the size of the rink change too? How would a couple of additional inches in the goals make the NHL any less defensive-minded?

This mindset kills me. Does the NBA ever consider shrinking the size of the baskets (or raising them another foot or two) because scoring is too easy? Does the NFL periodically consider making the field 80 yards long instead of 100 because there are too few touchdowns? No, of course not. Why on earth should the NHL alter the size of the goals? Just to get one or two more goals per game? So what?

The idea that hockey would somehow be more exciting if more goals were scored has been a running theme among many columnists for a while now, and it still doesn't make any sense. Hockey is exciting to watch because it's so damn hard to score, not despite it. Every goal is an event, a celebration, a spectacle. Every goal means something.

Goals should be hard to score. With the exception of soccer, no other professional sport in North America boasts scoring celebrations like this:

Hero Watch?

Well, it's no secret that I'm not a big fan of ESPN.com hockey columnist Scott Burnside. We've had our differences in the past.

I know my scorn and distaste for him weighs heavy on Mr. Burnside's soul. I know he lies awake at night. I know he cries.

In what can only be considered a desperate plea for my forgiveness, Burnside posted something actually worth reading on Monday, and it's nothing less than a bold defense of low-scoring playoff hockey. Whodathunkit?

Now, hands up for those who saw the New York Rangers and Buffalo Sabres play three straight 2-1 games, two of which went to overtime in the second round. Drama? Oh yeah -- Chris Drury's tying goal with 7.7 seconds left in Game 5, and the overtime power plays and chances. Think anyone in Madison Square Garden or in HSBC Center cared there were nine goals scored over the course of those three games? No. Only writers, it appears, who unfortunately perpetuate the myth that more goals mean more excitement and fewer goals mean an inferior product.

Um, one thing, Mr. Burnside. It seems that one of those writers that has "perpetuated the myth" that more goals should be scored in order to improve the game is you.

Even in his best effort to get on my good side, Burnside blows it. Such is life.

May 10, 2007

Hero Watch

Tom Jones of the St. Petersburg Times is my latest hockey media hero. He begins as such:

Right now, you have a choice most nights of watching either the NHL playoffs or the NBA playoffs. To us, it's no contest. The NHL playoffs are way better than the NBA playoffs.

And it gets better from there as he counts down the top ten reasons why the hockey postseason is way better than a bunch of freakishly tall guys throwing balls at a peach basket just barely above their freakishly large heads.

His number one reason: it rhymes with "schmovertime."

May 8, 2007

Hero Watch

I just started a little series called "Crybaby Watch" in an effort to identify (and ridicule) prominent hockey columnists who needlessly whine and complain about insignificant incidents or aspects within the game of professional hockey. A bonus if they also call for sweeping rule changes as well. If they needlessly bitch about something NHL-related, I'll bitch about them.

But, sometimes, that rare columnist breaks the mold and and actually compliments the National Hockey League and the magnificent sport of ice hockey. It's rare, but it happens.

Case in point, Washington Post sports columnist John Feinstein:

One thing people should understand about overtime playoff hockey: There's nothing like it in sports. Only in hockey does the game end -- BOOM! -- in an instant. One rush, one mistake, one slip by the goalie -- and it's over. It doesn't happen that way in basketball or in football or in baseball. Oh sure, those games can end on a single play, but frequently they don't. In hockey, they ALWAYS do and you sit on the edge of your seat not knowing when that moment may come.

He even praises overtime! Oh the horror! Oh the humanity!!

So, just as I've used the title "Crybaby Watch" to label any negative hockey-related sports writing I happen to find on the Internets (it's not a dump truck!), I will use the alternative "Hero Watch" to document those who rise above the pity party and point out why hockey is in fact awesome and why the haters are full of crap.

Good work, John Feinstein. You're my very first hero.

(Thanks to Off Wing Opinion and Jibblescribbits for pointing out the article)

May 7, 2007

Help Wanted: Hockey Columnist

I swear I have no idea how these guys get jobs as hockey columnists. Whining about tiny, insignificant aspects of the game and calling for endless rule changes are bad enough, but sometimes they can't even get their basic facts straight.

The latest offender is Scott Burnside for ESPN.com:

The Devils have significantly more questions to answer before next fall rolls around, not the least of which will be deciding what to do about the possible loss of key components -- defensive anchor Brian Rafalski and NHL playoff scoring leader Scott Gomez , both of whom are set to become unrestricted free agents July 1. Both will command top dollar on the open market and the Devils rarely, if ever, pay top dollar.

Mr. Burnside, the Devils led the league this past season in total salary obligations with a total over $53 million. Patrik Elias made $7.5 million this year, one of the highest individual salaries in the entire league. Scott Gomez made $5 million. Brian Rafalski, Brian Gionta and John Madden each made $4 million or just below. Goalie Martin Brodeur made $5.2 million. That's nearly $30 million for six players. For comparison sake, the Colorado Avalanche paid only two players more than $4 million---Joe Sakic and Jose Theodore---and spent under $40 million total on 26 players.

So, please explain to me how it's even possible to write "the Devils rarely, if ever, pay top dollar."

Where do they find these guys?

May 6, 2007

Crybaby Watch

I present to you the latest columnist to jump on the whine wagon during the 2007 NHL playoffs.

Dan O'Neill of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch:

Hockey is a tough sell on television. But try selling network execs on tight-checking games that might last 2 1/2 hours, might last all night. They'd rather show "Gunsmoke" reruns. The NHL should not try to tailor its game for television — this isn't the NFL. But if a change makes the game more accessible and more dynamic to the casual audience, the tail wags the dog.

How many times can a columnist contradict himself in one paragraph? O'Neill's going for the record, it seems.

Dude, shut up.

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