Kovalchuk Suspended For Maximum Pwnage

You might think that Ilya Kovalchuk's 37 goals, 63 total points and slim 38 penalty minutes would suggest that he's a player who only concentrates on offense. Don't be fooled. He's not afraid to totally wreck a dude if he has to, and now the NHL is all whining and griping about it.

Kovalchuk has been suspended for one game after introducing Michal Rozsival's face to the glass at Madison Square Garden. So what if he totally hit a guy facing the other way? So what if his feet left the ice to do it? What's the big deal?



Said Kovalchuk, "It's a contact sport. I wasn't trying to kill anybody." Yeah, you stupid vaginas. Relax already. Then Kovalchuk said, "if anybody needs me, I'll be at the All Star Game embarrassing Roberto Luongo Manny Legace." Or he should have.

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Briere To Critics: STFU

photo courtesy of Gerry Broome/AP
When he signed an eight-year, $52 million free agent contract with the Flyers over the summer, hockey talking heads were apprehensive. That much money for a guy who's only 5-9, 175-pounds? That much for a guy who'd only had a couple of really good years in Buffalo? Briere instead of Chris Drury?

Well, the Flyers didn't sweat it, and now they look like friggin' geniuses.

Briere scored a hat trick and an assist in the Flyers' 6-3 crushing of a very, very good Carolina Hurricanes team last night. Danny Boy now has 10 goals and 24 points in 20 games, and his team is second in the Atlantic Division with 25 points and a 12-7-1 record.

Former teammate Chris "Avalanche Ex-Girlfriend" Drury, on the other hand, has just 13 points (three goals) in 21 games. Though the Rangers are playing very well and lead the Flyers in the standings by two points, Briere is looking like the better free agent deal, by far.

Briere says his critics can suck it. They'll probably have to kneel down pretty low.

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Rangers To Avery: We Hate You, Welcome Back

Despite badmouthing the crap out of him during arbitration, and having to pay $600k more than they wanted to, the Rangers has signed Sean Avery to a new contract. The calm, mature center went into the hearing seeking a perfectly reasonable $2.6 million salary, but the judge ruled that $1.9 million would be more appropriate. How unfair.

During the announcement of the signing, Rags GM Glen Sather said,

"We are pleased to have Sean under contract and are looking forward to him returning with the same passion and enthusiasm he brought to our team last year," Sather said. "He is a terrific competitor, who we expect to play a significant role in a successful season."

Which seems to differ only slightly from what he said about Avery during the arbitration hearing:

"[Avery is] a reasonably effective player as well as a detriment to the team. Avery is not a mature player. He plays, at times, like an individual rather than a member of a team."

So obviously Sather is not in any way being inconsistent with his comments. And I bet Avery will feel extremely comfortable playing for the Rangers this coming season, confident in the knowledge that his boss has nothing but respect and admiration for him. It seems like everything is going to work out just fine.

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Rangers Bitch Slap Sean Avery

Ouch. You think you're a major contributor to a team's slight post-season success, the local press loves you and you score a totally amazingly hot sex goddess of a girlfriend.

Then the issue of money gets involved and it's all downhill from there. Suddenly you're a detriment to the team.

That sucks for Sean Avery. Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.

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Center-Happy Rangers Sign Drury, Steal Avs' Favorite Ex-Girlfriend

TSN just posted news that the Rangers have also signed Chris Drury (in addition to Gomez) for five years and $35 million. That's some depth at center, no doubt. Looks like the Hockey Stud won't be returning home to Colorado ever again.

This is much worse news for the Sabres, though, since they lost both Briere and Drury to Eastern Conference rivals they will have to play four times each.

Such is life.

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Gomez Disses Jersey For NYC, Ryan Smyth In Talks With Avs

ESPN just reported that Scott Gomez has agreed to a 7-year deal with the Rangers, one of the main rivals of the only team he's ever played for: the Devils. No money details yet.

Also, the Fourth Period has reported twice that Ryan Smyth is ironing out a deal with the Avalanche, which would be a major move on Colorado's part, adding offensive depth to an already potent team. No confirmation as of yet, though.

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Empty Threats

photo courtesy of Don Heupel/AP
I'm still waiting on Sean Avery to back up his big mouth. So far, things aren't going so well for the big, bad Rangers.

In related news, Thomas Vanek is a hockey god. If the Sabres win the Cup, he's a shoe-in for the Smythe.

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Good Work, Jerk

photo courtesy Julie Jacobson/AP

You've got to hand it to Sean Avery. Well, under normal circumstances, we'd like to hand him his ass in an old-school hockey beat-down, as he is still the most hated man in hockey. But he's really come into his own with the Rangers, especially in their first round playoff series against the Thrashers.

Just last night, as the Blueshirts continued their utter domination of the poor saps from Atlanta in Game 3 of their series, Avery scored two assists and managed to amass 19 penalty minutes by fighting both Ilya Kovalchuk and Keith Tkachuk. We're sure if Dale Hawerchuk was still playing, Avery would have fought him too.

In Game 2, Avery tallied a goal and an assist. To say the least, he's on quite a roll.

While we still feel that the world would be a better place if Avery was accidentally struck by a very large, very fast-moving object like this or this, it is good to see the Rangers successful in the playoffs. If only one Original Six team makes it far this year, we'd prefer the Rangers over the Dead Wings any day.

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