For Crying Out Loud Wait Until January, At Least

Obviously, mainstream hockey columnists are running out of ideas. Take, for instance, the recent glut of features at ESPN doling out the hardware this early in the season.

I kind of understand a mid-season piece on potential trophy winners, but it's not mid-season. Hell, it's just barely quarter-season. Most teams haven't played 25 games yet, but already the big wigs at the Four Letter are already tossing out the shiny bits like doing so means a damn thing whatsoever. There's even a poll so fans can chime in with their equally meaningless projections. I voted for Kipper for both the Hart and the Vezina. Not gonna happen.

And sure, George Johnson, I agree that Vincent Lecavalier has had a great start to his season, but he's still got almost 60 games left to play, and his team is above only basement-dwelling Washington in the Southeast Division standings. A lot could still happen, genius.

Can we at least wait until the All Star Game to start this meaningless exercise? Seriouslah.

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Don't Hire The Maple Leafs As Your Financial Advisor

Why did nobody tell me the Maple Leafs are paying Pavel Kubina $5 million a year? Why did David Amber have to clue me in late last week with his column about over-priced players?

Just look at the photo above. The asshole bought a Ferrari.

Seriously, Pavel Kubina? $5 million a year?! Sure, he's having a decent season so far, but it's not like he's Scott Niedermayer or anybody like that. Kubina is a career -85, and that includes his time on the Cup-winning Tampa Bay Lightning. Speaking of which, that's about as close to the Cup that most of the Maple Leafs are ever going to come.

Blame Kubina's salary, or his Ferrari.

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Nobody Likes A Show Off

photo courtesy of AP
The Dallas Stars sure have it rough. While some teams in the NHL barely have one serviceable starting goaltender, the Stars have the unique burden of having two much-more-than-just-serviceable (some would say "superb") netminders backing them up. Boo hoo.

Marty Turco, the starter for the Stars the past few seasons, is a great goalie. There's no question about that. His extended duel with Roberto Luongo in last year's playoffs is now the stuff of legend. But Turco, as great as he is, may actually be fighting for his job against some young punk named Smith. Mike Smith.

That's right, the owner of the Most Boring Name In The NHL, Smith is proving himself to be just as amazing as Dallas fans have claimed. He's won his last four starts and has a very impressive 2.19 GAA and .916 save percentage. Oh, and last night, he made 39 saves against the Rangers.

The Stars currently lead the Pacific Division and look to be solidifying their lead on the backs of two star goalies. And that is why I hate them.

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Briere To Critics: STFU

photo courtesy of Gerry Broome/AP
When he signed an eight-year, $52 million free agent contract with the Flyers over the summer, hockey talking heads were apprehensive. That much money for a guy who's only 5-9, 175-pounds? That much for a guy who'd only had a couple of really good years in Buffalo? Briere instead of Chris Drury?

Well, the Flyers didn't sweat it, and now they look like friggin' geniuses.

Briere scored a hat trick and an assist in the Flyers' 6-3 crushing of a very, very good Carolina Hurricanes team last night. Danny Boy now has 10 goals and 24 points in 20 games, and his team is second in the Atlantic Division with 25 points and a 12-7-1 record.

Former teammate Chris "Avalanche Ex-Girlfriend" Drury, on the other hand, has just 13 points (three goals) in 21 games. Though the Rangers are playing very well and lead the Flyers in the standings by two points, Briere is looking like the better free agent deal, by far.

Briere says his critics can suck it. They'll probably have to kneel down pretty low.

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Gratuitous Tuesday!!

I'm not really a fan of country music rising star Kellie Pickler (pictured to the right while at the American Music Awards), but I do wholly support her dumping Predators antagonizer Jordin Tootoo. That guy is a jerk, but in a "Sean Avery Lite" kind of way. I'm glad that Ms. Pickler is free to pursue other romantic possibilities. As in, me.

In other critically important news, Mike Comrie's much better half Hilary Duff has been all over the news lately, as usual. Near the beginning of the month she was seen being a very, very bad girl, providing young Mike with a series of very public lap dances, albeit fully clothed lap dances. Clearly impressed with her talents, Mike was then seen shopping for an engagement ring (under "Quick Hits"). Everybody knows that dating for six months is by far enough time to decide you want to marry someone.

Then, in the past day or so, Duff was seen at the Hollywood celebrity trash hole Hyde, hanging with friends until being "escorted out of the club" by an apparent buddy of Comrie's, whatever that means. This wouldn't be worth mentioning if Elisha Cuthbert wasn't also at Hyde that night, god bless her. I'm not sure what she's doing hanging out with fire crotch Shaun White, but I assume it's just for tips on snowboarding or something. And I won't even justify the rumors she's still messing around with Sean Avery. Elisha, please come home now.

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Hurting Other Players On Purpose Is Awesome

photo of a whiny baby courtesy of Jeff Vinnick/Getty
Man, have you heard about the coolest new trend in the National Hockey League? It's called "illegal play with intent to injure," and all the kids are doing it. Sure, if you get caught you get a time-out, like those three Flyers players. And Chris Simon got a pretty long suspension for hitting some guy in the face with his stick, but Simon's a cool guy and that other loser needs to toughen up.

And really, I don't know why Mikko Koivu doesn't just get over it. He threw an elbow first, so getting a samurai chop to the leg with a hard ass hockey stick should have been expected, even if it did cause a fracture. What a baby.

Welcome to the "New NHL," kids. Quit complaining and get used to it.

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Jose Theodore Imitates A Snowman In August

photo courtesy of Matt Slocum/AP
Jose Theodore almost had everyone fooled. He managed to play very well for four games straight, as the Colorado Avalanche built up a decent early-season record of 11-5-2, while splitting the team's goaltending duties with the historically more consistent Peter Budaj.

Until last night against the Dallas Stars, that is.

In a meltdown of epic proportions, Theodore revealed his true form, the same sucky form he had last year, the year before and the year before that. Everyone was waiting for it; everyone knew it was coming. It was just a matter of when. Well, when is now.

Part of a 6-1 rout, Theodore gave up five goals on fifteen shots before being pulled in the middle of the second period. Theodore then instantly became a puddle on the Avalanche bench, leaving behind only a baseball hat and a bottle of Propecia. And a love note from Paris Hilton.

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Laraque Tries To Kill Puck, Accidentally Scores Goal

Georges Laraque, the massive, intimidating enforcer for the Pittsburgh Penguins, was just trying to do his job. He is the hired "protector" of superstar Sidney Crosby, and he's good at it. Arguably the most dangerous NHL "heavyweight" since Bob Probert, Laraque is well-known for his pugilistic superiority.

Last night, Laraque was on the ice in the second period with Crosby, keeping the opposing Islanders players in check when suddenly he noticed something fishy.

"Georges was just skating around and noticed something attached to Sid's stick," said a Penguins teammate who requested to remain anonymous. "He wasn't sure what it was, but it seemed to be annoying Sid because he kept batting it around on the ice. Georges then watched as the little object suddenly turned and came straight for him. All he did was hit at it, trying to beat it up, but he knocked it into the net instead and a big horn sounded!"

Laraque, not realizing that he was actually hitting a hockey puck instead of an opposing player's face, inadvertently scored the game-winning goal for the Penguins. The goal was his first in 40 games, proving that he is a true asset to a team struggling to win games on a regular basis. The victory was the first in five games for Pittsburgh.

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Barry Bonds Has Nothing To Do With Hockey At All

But I'll be damned if I don't get in on the Google search orgy that will ensue from his announced indictment on perjury and obstruction of justice charges.

Not that this surprises anyone, of course, but it sure is big news on ESPN and just about every other news outlet in the country. And we all know how much Bonds really likes the press to begin with. I bet he's loving all this free publicity.

Anyway, he has nothing to do with hockey except maybe having a larger head than Mark Messier. But just barely.

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Vancouver Canucks Barely Out-Suck The Edmonton Oilers

photo courtesy of Jonathan Hayward/AP
The Vancouver Canucks were barely able to surpass the lousiness of their Northwest Division rival Edmonton Oilers last night, losing a scoreless game in a shootout, 1-0.

Losing to an offensively-retarded team that only managed 19 shots on goal---most of them weak and easy to stop---is a tall order, but the Canucks were able to make it happen, rewarding the hard work of goalie Roberto Luongo with another pathetic defeat. Sure, they earned a point by dragging the game to overtime, but at least they still failed to score a goal in regulation.

"It's tough to go out there every night and not score a single point, but sometimes we get it done," said an anonymous Canucks player rumored to be center Henrik Sedin. "Roberto looked great out there tonight, so we had no choice but to give him absolutely no scoring support. That's the kind of teammates we are."

The Oilers, on the other hand, gained two points on the Minnesota Wild, who are in second place in the Northwest and who Edmonton plays tonight. This matchup will prove to be another exciting, scoreless game filled with frustrating neutral zone traps and toothless, uncoordinated offensive attacks. Western Conference hockey at its very best!

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