Kovalchuk Suspended For Maximum Pwnage

You might think that Ilya Kovalchuk's 37 goals, 63 total points and slim 38 penalty minutes would suggest that he's a player who only concentrates on offense. Don't be fooled. He's not afraid to totally wreck a dude if he has to, and now the NHL is all whining and griping about it.

Kovalchuk has been suspended for one game after introducing Michal Rozsival's face to the glass at Madison Square Garden. So what if he totally hit a guy facing the other way? So what if his feet left the ice to do it? What's the big deal?



Said Kovalchuk, "It's a contact sport. I wasn't trying to kill anybody." Yeah, you stupid vaginas. Relax already. Then Kovalchuk said, "if anybody needs me, I'll be at the All Star Game embarrassing Roberto Luongo Manny Legace." Or he should have.

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Leafs Firing Ferguson Not At All Overdue

Sure, the Toronto Maple Leafs have missed the playoffs the last two seasons, and sure, they're well on their way to another hugely disappointing year (19-22-8), but for some reason the organization blames now-former general manager John Ferguson.

When I think about the ownership and control of the Leafs organization, the image of Chicago politics come to mind. It's something so deeply entrenched and in control that to oppose it means you end up in the lake sleeping with the fishes, or at least voted out of office by an army of deceased voters.

Anyway, the Leafs have more problems than a lousy GM, but Ferguson was definitely not helping them. Maybe they should actually try to sign a decent player or two during the off-season. Or maybe develop some talent in their farm system. I know, that's crazy talk, but it just might work.

Said president and CEO Richard Peddie (this guy?),

"Our team performance has fallen short of what is to be expected ... We need to forge the start of a new beginning for [the] Toronto Maple Leafs."

Ha! Good one!

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Mike Ribeiro Considers Career As MLB Leadoff Hitter

Rumor has it that Dallas Stars center Mike Ribeiro is considering offers from teams in Major League Baseball to become a leadoff batter. Or, if he isn't, he should be, since he's batting .328.

Ribeiro has only taken 67 shots on goal in the 46 games he's played this season. But he's scored 22 goals, good for 32.8%, which is f'ing ridiculous. Ilya Kovalchuk, arguably the best goal-scorer this side of Alex Ovechkin, is cruising at an even 20%. That's good, but it's nowhere near Ribeiro.

Now, as for what field position he'd play, well, at 6-0, 178, I forsee a brilliant future for him in right field...

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