“Bettman has only a marginal interest in the weaker teams. He only wants the NHL to make a bigger profit as a whole.” -- Dominik Hasek

July 25, 2007

Innocent Staal Brothers Arrested For Disorderly Sleeping

The Staal brothers, specifically Eric of the Carolina Hurricanes and Jordan of the Pittsburgh Penguins (there are in fact other Staals), have each made huge splashes in the NHL in the past two years. First it was Eric with his 100 point season and Stanley Cup victory in 2005-06, then it was Jordan with his league-leading 7 shorthanded goals and Calder Trophy nomination this past season.

Well, over the weekend they also took the small resort town of Lutsen, Minnesota by storm. After what witnesses describe as a rambunctious bachelor party, the brothers and fellow celebrators were arrested for disorderly conduct. Oh, and underage drinking, too, since Jordan is still 18.

The Cook County Sheriff's Office said the brothers were among 14 arrested last weekend after authorities received several complaints about "screaming, yelling and playing loud music" at the resort in northeastern Minnesota, about two hours from the Staals' hometown of Thunder Bay, Ontario.

The sheriff said the group was warned multiple times before finally being ordered to leave the Lutsen Resort and Sea Villas in Lutsen, at which point the men gathered on a nearby highway and "began harassing motorists." That's when authorities arrested the group, around 4 a.m. Saturday.

Seems like your average out-of-control party thrown by multi-millionaire professional athletes to me. It doesn't even compare to the recent troubles faced by players in the NFL or refs in the NBA. Mere disorderly conduct is for pansies.

Well, except that this isn't your typical disorderly conduct. Apparently, the Staal brothers---being the well-behaved, responsible men that they are---weren't even awake when police busted up the noise fest. They're totally innocent, honest:

[Staal agent Rick] Curran said the brothers were among several partygoers who went to bed when authorities first gave the group a warning, and when authorities returned to kick the entire party out of the resort, they first had to wake the Staals up.

"What is unfortunate is at the end, the entire group was asked to leave the hotel, including Eric and Jordan and some of the others that had gone to bed when the first warnings came in," Curran said. "They were asked to go to bed, and they did. ... A couple of the kids kept going. That's what caused the continued disturbance."

The Staals obviously suffer from the well-known affliction called Narcoleptic Asshole Disorder Syndrome (NADS). Sufferers typically experience periodic bouts of unruly, disruptive behavior and then immediately and uncontrollably fall asleep afterwards. Sometimes the condition also creates alcohol fumes within the body which emanate from the mouth for no reason at all. This medical mystery afflicts many other celebrity victims, including Nick Nolte.

Seriously though, nice try, Staal brothers. Just admit that you guys throw the best parties this side of Thunder Bay and ride the notoriety for a while. Maybe Paris or Lindsay will join you guys for the next photo shoot.

Ballhype: hype it up!


The Dark Ranger said...

..don't forget Britney!


Dear Lord Stanley said...

She's too busy makin' babies.

ColBerdan said...

Weird. Why bother with this pansy "we were asleep, honest" excuse? It's not like that many people are going to be shocked and dismayed that your bachelor party was wild (if you can call simple drunk and disorderly "wild"). I would think most fans would take it as a sign you did it right.

Dear Lord Stanley said...

Exactly. Man up.

Teebz said...

If Paris joined them, I would assume that Jose Theodore would show up. And no one wants that. For more examples, see: Locker Room - Colorado Avalanche. :o)

Jibblescribbits said...

This is weak. Maybe next time they should invite some Minnesota Vikings.. they know how to party on the lake in Minnesota

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