“Bettman has only a marginal interest in the weaker teams. He only wants the NHL to make a bigger profit as a whole.” -- Dominik Hasek

July 27, 2007

When Bunnies Attack!



I know some people probably resent the term, but the girlfriends and wives (and groupies) of professional hockey players have for a very long time been referred to as "Puck Bunnies". I'm sure this is the first and only term used to belittle women in the entire history of sports. But I digress.

Lately, the only consistent headlines hockey players have been getting have been relationship-related. Six young and not-so-young ladies in particular have become the talk of the hockey world as of late.

In an effort to accurately document the important issues facing the National Hockey League, I will take the time to explore each of these ladies and the reason for their recent notoriety. I'm selfless like that.

Bunny #1: Hilary Duff

Hilary Duff is an actress. Or she's a singer. Or maybe she's both. I wouldn't know for sure because I don't listen to music or watch movies (takes time away from watching hockey), but I'm told she's a very talented person. She's also reasonably attractive. She also happens to be dating a nice young man named Mike Comrie, who until he was signed by the Islanders a couple of weeks ago, played hockey for the Ottawa Senators. The only mildly interesting thing about their budding relationship is that they hit it off first on a trip to Idaho. Idaho? Holy crap hockey players are boring.

Bunny #2: Willa Ford

Willa Ford was on Dancing With The Stars opposite some dude with a mullet. Before that, she was in a little-known men's magazine called Playboy (NSFW). I've never heard of it either. Currently, she's engaged to marry none other than American hockey hero Mike Modano, and she likes to tell people by flashing the gigantic ring he was likely guilted into buying her. But anyway, she took all her clothes off and posed for pictures a couple of years ago---I assume to promote herself as a serious, talented individual with opinions worth considering. Some of those opinions garnered a little attention recently. I'm sure Mike is proud. Mike might not be proud of the 80 or so pounds Willa has packed on to play Anna Nicole Smith in a biopic nobody really wants to see, however. Ugh.

Bunny #3: Elisha Cuthbert

All you need to know about Elisha Cuthbert is that she's smoking hot. Sure, she's currently starring in a weird-ass torture porn movie and she's dating notorious asshole Sean Avery, but really, none of that matters at all. She's absolutely smoking hot. Good lord.

Bunny #4: Kellie Pickler

Who the hell is Kellie Pickler? Ms. Pickler (hee hee) was an early-season reject from American Idol a year or two (or three or whenever) ago and since then the only thing she's managed to do with any kind of fanfare is date Nashville Predators resident jerk Jordin Tootoo. Apparently they're totally in love. Anyway, the only thing really interesting about Ms. Pickler is the strange transformation her chest area has undergone in the past couple of months. Interesting.

Bunny #5: Carol Alt

Carol Alt isn't getting any younger. She used to be a really hot model back in the 1980s, but since then she's transformed into quite a cougar with a penchant for lazy, greedy hockey players who are much, much younger than her and just totally misunderstood. She recently made the papers for bravely defending her unmarried domestic partner Alexei Yashin from his many, many, many detractors. Go get 'em, cougar.

Bunny #6: Janet Jones Gretzky

Janet Jones is the quintessential, end-all-be-all of puck bunnies. She is the ultimate. Once a major model and Playboy pinup sensation, Jones really gained fame and fortune when she married Wayne Gretzky. She's much older now and has a bit of a gambling problem, but she's still pretty hot. That is, if you're into hot, rich older chicks. And really, who isn't?

So, the question for you is, who's the hottest? Do newcomers Duff and Pickler have a youth advantage? Does Willa Ford take the cake because she's totally willing to get naked for money? What about established and sophisticated veteran bunnies like Carol Alt and Janet Gretzky? Or does pure, unadulterated (but worth the adultery) hotness make Elisha Cuthbert the runaway champion? You decide.

(Special thanks to both With Leather and Z czuba of Poland for the 1000+ extra visitors.)


Ballhype: hype it up!Digg!

24 comments:

paulpuck22 said...

Is that sean avery in the background of this picture?

http://www.celebrity-gossip.net/celebrity_gallery/image_full/13791/

Dear Lord Stanley said...

Sure looks like him to me.

Anonymous said...

are u f**in serious.. if anything too too jumped on the Pickler band wagon... Kellie Pickler is huge right now only gettin. more star power with every concert, and it aint cause of too too.. i just really hope he is nothing off the ice like he is on the ice, ,or i just may have to take my gloves off,, and kick some a$$ my -self.. oh BTW. jordin .. suck out kellie.. he asked her out.. so to speak,, she has no idea who he was at that time....

Dear Lord Stanley said...

I'm afraid I can only read in English. Someone multilingual will have to translate the above comment for me.

Anonymous said...

hey jack ass.. DO your fucking research before u start typing.. MISS .KELLIE PICKLER. IS ON THE BIGEST SELLING CONCERT OF THE SUMMER RIGHT NOW.... !!!!
with brad paisley, taylor swift, and jack ingrim..
she had the best selling debut album..
dude u f(((in suck ..

Dear Lord Stanley said...

I hired a thirteen year-old internet jargon translator and now I think I've figured out the above comments.

I would like to welcome Ms. Pickler herself to Dear Lord Stanley. I'm honored that a real live celebrity would take the time to post comments on this humble little blog! Thanks so much.

Nice boob job, by the way. Classy.

Mike said...

Brilliant, DLS. Funny as hell.

And allow me to answer your question. Elisha Cuthbert could be going out with Beetlejuice, and she'd still be the hottest by a country mile. No contest.

Sherry said...

Hey, to be fair I don't have anything against the PBs or the hockey wives/girlfriends, we just don't like when we get called that :P

And I may not be an expert on the um, poll you're conducting but I find Hilary Duff the least offensive out of all of them.

Jacob Dunman said...

You greatly enjoyed putting this one together, didn't you?

Dear Lord Stanley said...

Jake,

You know that I did.

Jibblescribbits said...

See what us Blogger's have to do, research research research.

Nice post DLS (even though I think i'm going to wait and view it when the Wife is out)

Bitchany said...

DLS you are amazing!! I love it! And, I love the anonymous comments too haha...very entertaining.

Jordi said...

Ugh, Hilary Duff is destroying my life. Everywhere I look, she suddenly appears destroying everything such as singing, movies and hockey. And she even makes douchebag Comrie look like he has feelings.

Draft Dodger said...

a couple of other notables:
Valeri Bure's wife Candice Cameron-Bure of Full House fame. Not a bunny (and ultra-religious), but very attractive.

also have to mention the queen of hockey bunnies, Anna Kournikova who, for a while, was bouncing between Sergei Fedorov and Pavel Bure on a seemingly daily basis.

coincidentally, another actress in the Anna Nicole movie (do we REALLY need this, btw) is Allison Dunbar - ex-wife of Sean O'Donnell.

habsfan29 said...

Any list of puck bunnies that does not include Angelica Bridges, Mrs. Sheldon Souray, is incomplete.

The following posts have photos and VIDEOS as proof...

http://fourhabsfans.blogspot.com/2007/06/goodbye-mr-and-mrs-souray-montreal-will_29.html

http://fourhabsfans.blogspot.com/2007/07/mrs-sourays-real-goodbye.html

http://fourhabsfans.blogspot.com/2007/06/not-much-time-left-to-post-this-picture.html

Dear Lord Stanley said...

habsfan,

I stand horribly, shamefully corrected. If I ever do a second installment of "When Bunnies Attack", or at least an amended version, you can be sure that Souray's wife will be included. Thanks for pointing her out to me!

habsfan29 said...

DLS you're forgiven. roll my blog and i'll really forgive you.

It comes down to Elisha vs. Angelica for the title imho. We need some sort of BRACKET to settle this. Let's get bracket help from the Ladies... . They'll love that.

Dear Lord Stanley said...

Consider yourself rolled.

And yeah, nobody does brackets like the HLOG, and what better way to promote their serious, not-at-all-superficial appreciation of hockey than by running a competition to determine the hottest puck bunny?

How could they pass that up?

Bleu, Blanc et Rouge said...

Thanks for the nice pictures DLS!

:D If you get what I mean.

"Good lord."

Dear Lord Stanley said...

Oh, I get it.

Mike Thompson said...

I could never vote for Cuthbert, because I can't wrap my head around here attraction to uber-douche Avery or her complete lack of acting skills. I've never rooted so hard for a character to be killed in a horribly painful way as much as I did the first two seasons of 24. Boo Cuthbert, Boo!!!!





Ok, the wife left. My vote is Cuthbert. Seriously, watch the Girl Next Door. Logging off now...

habsfan29 said...

DLS big thanks for the roll.

Mike The Girl Next Door is a quality film. Top-notch production values. A script to die for. And Oscar-worthy acting performances.

Ok, my wife left. Did you see that scene where Elisha shows up at the door all wet and glistening???? Oooh baby...

Anonymous said...

willa ford is a babe. she wins hands down with cuthbert as a distant second

Anonymous said...

i am married to a hockey player... but i also suit up and play with him.sweat bleed and spit chicklets

i know the rules and what is happening when they are playing, i dont jump in fear when someone is checked into the boards in front of me...

but i am no a puck bunny!
they are just groupies!

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