Dear Lord Stanley...

June 15, 2007

ESPN Columnist George Johnson Loves Mike Keenan, Too

The hockey writers at ESPN.com aren't too keen on the hiring of Mike Keenan to coach the Calgary Flames. Yesterday, Scott Burnside dissed him. Today, aloof and mustachioed columnist George Johnson chimes in with words that are slightly south of supportive:

Yes, "Iron Mike" Keenan is back. Harder to get rid of than a zit a day before the prom. His authoritarian jackboots traded in for a pair of cow-pie clogged cowboy kickers, bringing his blunt, uncompromising, signature style to Calgary.

Zits and jackboots. Now those are some lovely images to invoke, George. But Johnson isn't done, not hardly:

Historically, his abrasive style has the shelf life of a wheel of unrefrigerated cave-aged Gruyere. He hasn't had success of any kind since commandeering the Rangers to that 1994 championship (a Cup that really belonged to Mark Messier , anyway). In subsequent pit stops in St. Louis, Boston, Vancouver and Miami, he got no closer to the Stanley Cup than during his days in charge at the University of Toronto.
Only one Keenan team in the past 13 years has advanced past the first round of the playoffs. Hmmm, see a pattern developing?

So, to recap, George Johnson thinks the whole Keenan thing in Calgary is likely to end very badly. So does Scott Burnside. So does Allan Maki at the Globe And Mail. The list could go on.

My only hope is that they're right, and Jerome Iginla, Miikka Kiprusoff, Dion Phaneuf and former Av Alex Tanguay are all driven out of town by Iron Mike. The fewer strong teams in the Northwest Division, the better.

The Avalanche Will Get Nothing And Like It

Last night the National Hockey League held their annual awards gala, handing out the hardware to the best players in the highest level of professional hockey. Among those nominated were Avalanche players Joe Sakic (Lady Byng Trophy for most sportsmanlike play) and Paul Stastny (Calder Trophy for best rookie).

Having won it previously in 2001 (along with a few other trophies), Sakic was the favorite by far for the Byng, despite having higher penalty minutes than the other two candidates, Pavel Datsyuk and Martin St. Louis. Stastny faced stiffer opposition from Russian phenom Evgeni Malkin, but some very compelling arguments had been made on behalf of Peter Stastny's sensational younger son---Paul was a dark horse, but a strong one.

But, consistent with the kind of season their team just suffered, both Stastny and Sakic went home empty-handed from the awards show.

Stastny finished second in the balloting to Malkin, who, having the benefit of playing on the same power play unit as the best offensive player in the entire league, racked up more points overall and that's really all the voters care about. Never mind Son Of Stastny's superb performance killing penalties (something Malkin did almost none of) as well as his record-setting 20-game points streak. None of that seemed to matter.

As for Sakic, his defeat at the hands of a dirty Dead Wings player was sadly predictable. With higher total penalty minutes, Sakic's widely respected styles of disciplined on-ice play and quiet leadership just couldn't seal the deal. In fact, he finished third in the voting, not only behind the winner Datsyuk, but also behind Martin St. Louis, who obviously benefited from a few pro-dwarf sympathy votes.

An appropriately fitting end to a similarly frustrating season for the entire Colorado team. Sigh.

The complete list of award winners can be found here.

June 14, 2007

Everybody Loves Mike Keenan

photo courtesy Eliot Schectner/Getty Images
Today's big hockey story is the hiring of "Iron" Mike Keenan as the new head coach of the Calgary Flames, replacing the fan-maligned Jim Playfair who has been demoted to assistant. Keenan, if you didn't know, won a Stanley Cup with the New York Rangers in 1994 and then proceeded to destroy every good relationship he's ever had in the NHL with each subsequent coaching job he took. The Rangers hate him. The Canucks and the Panthers hate him. The Blues hate him. He's not exactly best friends with Boston, either.

The reaction in hockey mediaville hasn't been all that favorable, either. Scott Burnside posted an article whose title should have been, "Mike Keenan? WTF?" Teebz at Hockey Blog In Canada is also not a big fan. And Jes Golbez at Hockey Rants sees the whole thing going south for the Flames real quick.

Oh, and Jim Rome just dissed Keenan on today's episode of "Jim Rome Is Burning" on ESPN and predicted a relatively quick dismissal or otherwise a speedy exodus of the team's talented players.

I'm completely in favor of Keenan being hired as Flames coach if it means the team ends up struggling to make the playoffs and all the best players are driven out. Nothing could be better for that organization, in my totally non-biased-toward-division-rival-Colorado-Avalanche opinion.

Avalanche Likely To Keep Theodore, Losing Hockey Games

According to sports agent Don Meehan, the Colorado Avalanche will not buy out $6 million backup goalie Jose Theodore's contract and will allow him to finish his last year with the team. DLS is not a fan of Paris Theodore, but there are logical monetary arguments for not buying him out, so I'm not surprised that the Avs will keep him around.

Unfortunately, Theodore is still washed up until he proves otherwise, and he's already been given plenty of chances to do so. Hopefully this year Coach Q will not try a two-goalie approach like he did in the beginning of last season. Go with Budaj full time unless he implodes, leave Theo on the bench to ponder his confusing but continued existence in the National Hockey League.

Maybe Theodore will end up being really good this coming season. Maybe he'll re-establish himself as a top tier goalie and lead the Avalanche to their third Stanley Cup. Maybe I need to lay off the hallucinogens.

In other Avalanche contract news, the team has re-signed overrated power forward Scott "The Sheriff" Parker and young minor league defenseman Johnny Boychuk to a couple of cheap contracts. No surprises there.

Hero Watch™: Tony Reali Silences Woody Paige

Six minutes into the ESPN show Around The Horn yesterday, the panel was discussing game 3 of the NBA Finals, a low-scoring, low-rated affair that was generally accepted to be one of the worst in league history. Once the conversation had shifted to Denver Post columnist Woody Paige, he complained about the dominance of defense in the game and called for the NBA to eliminate one player from each side, adopting a permanent 4-on-4 scheme similar to overtime hockey. Immediately, host Tony Reali responded in disbelief and then cut Paige off with the mute button. Said Reali, "You've been covering the NBA for the better part of 40 years, Woody Paige, you want them to change the rules like that?!"

Video clip here for those with ESPN360 access.

Tony Reali reacted to Woody Paige's idiocy in the only appropriate way---he cut his mic. You're an idiot, end of discussion.

The same should happen to every hockey columnist who suggests sweeping rule changes and the abandonment of tradition in the NHL just to score an extra goal or an extra quarter-point in the TV ratings. In hockey, no rule---no matter how old or how logical---is safe when an extra goal per game can be tacked on to the scoreboard. Any gimmick, no matter how cheap, is on the table. Shootouts? Snug-fitting jerseys? Kicking pucks in the goals? Wider goal posts? You name it, the NHL will try it.

Baseball survived the onslaught of the TV era by sticking to tradition. The players didn't, but the game did, and the rules today are nearly identical to the rules 60 years ago. Basketball, with the exception of the three point line and the dunk, hasn't changed much either. By adhering to tradition, these sports create a sense of permanence that transcends fluctuating TV ratings and a few bad tournament games.

Woody Paige is just one of many hockey columnists who promote snake oil quick fixes when faced with the tiniest in-game annoyance. The dialogue in the NHL is controlled by two-bit marketing hacks who care nothing for the sport they waste our time covering. Enough. Tony Reali, you're my new hero.

June 13, 2007

Chris Drury: The Avs' Totally Hot Ex-Girlfriend

photo courtesy ClassicBuffalo.com

Adrian Dater, Denver Post hockey beat writer and friend of DLS, offers the love letter he thinks Avs management should send to Chris Drury on July 1st. They should treat Dru like a jilted ex-lover, Dater says, like the hottest chick that ever managed to fall in love with you but you somehow dumped anyway.

We can admit this now. We’re big enough to say it. We just want you back, Chris, or, if we can indulge, “Druuuuu”. We want those playoff game-winners back, that John Wayne leadership strut that has a way of making just about every team you’ve ever played on become a champion at some point.

We had a good thing going with you, and we blew it. Those other people we’ve hung our shingle on since don’t add up to the square root of Sweet Fanny Adam compared to you.

But is Drury really worth that much to the Avalanche now? First, he'd be prohibitively expensive, somewhere in the $5-7 million range, easily. Second, he's a natural center, and the Avs already have two great centers in Joe Sakic and Paul Son Of Stastny. It wouldn't make sense to stick Drury on the third line, nor would it do Young Paul any favors, either. Drury on the wing would work to a certain extent, but he's a scoring center and works best down low in the slot.

Now, that said, Sakic isn't going to play forever, and when he goes so does his salary. Lock up Drury with a long-term contract now and you've got a replacement for Stastny on the second line when the young one eventually takes over for Quoteless. This is all just hypothetical, of course, but worth thinking about. And anyway, if you're going to blow $6 million on a center you don't necessarily need right this minute, better Drury than over-the-hill and down-in-the-ankles Peter Forsberg. His time in Denver has passed.

But again, who knows if Drury would even want to come back after the Avs dumped him to Calgary a few years back? I wouldn't blame him for dissing them this time around..

The New York Islanders Finally Embrace Blogs, 21st Century

Does New York Islanders management read Avalanche blogs? Last week, in a comment on DLS-favorite JibbleScribbits, I wrote that NHL teams should build "blog boxes", separate from the traditional press box, to provide a space for bloggers to post in-game updates to their sites. Well, just seven days later, the Islanders have announced their plans to do just such a thing.

Now, I don't want to take all the credit, but it's hard to argue that my single comment on a relatively small Colorado Avalanche blog didn't have some kind of profound effect on the executives of a major professional sports franchise in the largest US city. Obviously, the power I wield through Dear Lord Stanley is far greater than I ever imagined.

With great power comes great responsibility, it is said, so with that in mind, I offer another suggestion for NHL teams to embrace in the coming seasons: Hot Chicks Rooms. Instead of wasting time with luxury boxes and corporate shilling, try adding a few HCRs around the stadium and watch the fans literally pour through the doors:

Remember, when Pittsburgh finishes their new arena in 2010, and they include several Hot Chicks Rooms throughout the site, you heard it here first.

(Thanks to On The Forecheck for the heads-up about the Isles.)

June 12, 2007

The Avalanche Is Looking For A Few Good Frat Boys

Traditionally, NHL players have not been big on education, at least not education of the post-secondary type. Throughout the history of the league, teams have picked their draftees from the ranks of Canadian junior hockey, whose teams have no direct affiliation with academic institutions. Typical Canadian players, still the vast majority in the NHL, play junior hockey in high school and then go on to the minor leagues without cracking a single textbook again.

According to CSTV, however, the Avalanche has been the most successful team at breaking that tradition:

The Colorado Avalanche was the biggest drafter of college players in the 2001-05 drafts, selecting 21 players from the college ranks (this includes junior hockey players who later played college hockey).

Not only that, but while the Avs have not signed many underclassmen (those below their senior year of college), the two they have signed are working out well so far. David Jones, a junior at Dartmouth, just signed his first NHL contract and the other guy, somebody named Stastny, is a nominee for the Calder Trophy.

With other top university students like TJ Hensick and Ryan Stoa still working their way up into the pros, the Avs' willingness to target collegiate players seems to be paying off.

Not that guys from the juniors aren't successful. Sidney Crosby didn't waste any time sitting in college classes, that's for sure...

Former Nordique Mats Sundin Not Interested In The Stanley Cup

Mats Sundin, the talented but not-getting-any-younger Swedish captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs, has agreed to another season with the team for a reasonable (and reduced) $5.5 million salary. Apparently Sundin, who has never won the Stanley Cup, prefers it that way. The Leafs aren't going to win it any time soon.

Sundin was chosen by the Quebec Nordiques as the very first pick of the 1989 NHL Draft (the first ever European to go first), but was later traded in 1994 as part of a package deal for several players including superstars like Wendel Clark. While the Leafs got the better of that deal, the Nordiques went on to win two Stanley Cups as the Colorado Avalanche in the next few years with another star Swede, so it didn't sting that bad.

Sundin currently holds the records for most consecutive 70-or-more point seasons (14, minus the lockout years of 94-95 and 04-05) and most overtime goals (15). He's also in the running for the coveted "most years on the wrong team" record, still held by Ray Bourque.

Finally, he's famous for his steadfast refusal to wear a visor despite nearly losing his eye to an errant puck last season, so he's a genius, too.

Good luck to you, Mats, hang in there.

Pierre Turgeon Retires, Says "Peace Out, Homies"

Pierre Turgeon, the potential NHL Hall Of Famer the Avs decided to blow $3 million on when they signed him to a two-year contract in 2005 (79 total games in two seasons!), has decided to follow his damaged groin and calf muscles into retirement. Turgeon, once an excellent playmaker, also had a scoring touch. He retires with 515 career goals and 1,327 total points in just 1,294 games.

The Avs learned a valuable lesson by signing Turgeon and Patrice "Speed Racer" Brisebois in 2005: old men get hurt a lot. Nobody fell and broke their hip, to my knowledge, but the geriatric free agents the Avs tried to replace Peter Forsberg with just didn't pan out. Then again, Peter Forsberg is an injury time bomb himself, so maybe the choice of Turgeon to fill his spot at second line center was actually pretty appropriate.

Anyway, good luck to Pierre in the Hall Of Fame voting, and I wish him, and his groin, many happy years in the old folks home.

Gary Bettman Receives Well-Deserved $2 Million Raise

For his tireless work to promote the National Hockey League and further solidify ice hockey as the number one professional sport in both Canada and the United States, for his efforts to make Sidney Crosby and other young NHL stars more popular than Peyton Manning and LeBron James among regular folk, and for his unending dedication to concentrating player talent in only the strongest markets with the best attendance, commissioner Gary Bettman received a $2 million raise.

Except that he hasn't done any of that. And he still gets the raise.

I would have made a post about this yesterday but I was busy screaming and throwing things around my house in outrage. Will someone please tell me why the hell he didn't get $6 million?!

June 11, 2007

In Hockey, It's All About The Hot, Hot "C and A"

photo courtesy Legends Of Hockey
It's not easy to admit your vices, or, in my sorry case, addictions.

I'm addicted to the intricacies of professional sports uniforms. And amateur sports uniforms. And just about anything having to do with sports uniforms anywhere. I'm a hopeless devotee to the geekiest sports blog on the Internets (it's a series of tubes!)---Uniwatch. So, it being a slow hockey news day and me being obsessively addicted to "athletics aesthetics", I decided to browse the various archived photos of the Stanley Cup winners at Legends of Hockey.

I found some interesting variations in the assignment of the Captain and Alternate Captain letterings. I first noticed something strange in the team photo for the 1995-96 Avs (also pictured above). There are four alternate captains. I know three of them are Curtis Leschychyn, Sylvain Lefebvre, and Adam Foote, but I'm unsure of the fourth guy. At any rate, four seems like an excessive number, considering the standard in the league is two.

But that's not the only strange instance of "C and A" that I've found. The 2000-01 Avalanche had three alternates: Ray Bourque, Adam Foote and Peter Forsberg. The 1988-89 Calgary Flames had two captains: Lanny McDonald and Jim Peplinski. The 1985-86 Montreal Canadiens had three alternates, the first year that designation officially existed in the NHL, which is why the 1984-85 Edmonton Oilers have only captain Wayne Gretzky wearing a letter on his jersey.

That's just the Cup winners. Who knows what kind of weird variations of captains and alternate captains have existed in the 20 seasons since both designations became standard uniform attire? As just one example, I know some teams have gone captainless in recent years (the Penguins). I wonder what the maximum number of alternates has been, and on what team? Anybody know?

Patrice Brisebois Gets Busted Playing Hooky, Not Hockey

photo courtesy of gregorymoine.com

Patrice Brisebois was paid $3 million dollars to play defense for the Colorado Avalanche this past season. The 36 year-old managed to show up for 33 games, all in the early season, and then took the rest of the year off citing back problems.

Well, if racing his expensive Ferrari 430 on race tracks around Canada qualifies as "back problems", Brisebois was definitely injured pretty badly.

A driver involved with the Ferrari Challenge series of amateur races, Brisebois has competed for several years now. While he couldn't bother to play hockey, he definitely could handle racing his expensive man toy, it seems. This past weekend, at the Canadian Grand Prix, Brisebois finished fifth (or was it sixth?) in a support race prior to the main Formula One event.

Good for him. I hope he has similar luck on the free agent market this summer, because there's no way in hell the Avs are re-signing him. His comments after the car race indicated that he already knows this and will be looking for a new employer. Let's hope he put some money away and didn't blow it all on Ferraris, because his future NHL employment prospects look pretty slim.

June 10, 2007

NHL Expansion: It Worked So Well The First Time

So what if several NHL teams are barely-watched from their actual arena seats, let alone on television? So what if the league itself is still the media's favorite whipping boy? So what if the talent pool is so diluted that some teams have to rely on just one really good player? It's time to expand, baby!

Word has it that Gary Bettman and his cartel of head-in-ass owners are interested in granting expansion teams to Las Vegas and Kansas City. Never mind the facts that Las Vegas is television market #51 and the majority of its workers spend their evenings staffing the casinos, or the truth that Kansas City has a great new arena but no proven demand for the sport. Forget the fact that there are already teams like Nashville, New Jersey, Phoenix, Florida and Atlanta struggling to keep their seats above three-quarters full. While you're at it, forget the already-failed US expansion scheme Bettman suckered everyone with the first time. There's quick money in it, so let's make the league bigger! Bigger than the NBA! Bigger than Major League Baseball! Even bigger than the NFL!

If the NHL needs anything, it's contraction. I'm in favor of dumping four teams and dropping the league to 26. Or, while we're at it, dropping to 24 would make for even-sized divisions. A subsequent rise in the salary cap (even if the rules have to be rewritten) and the concentration of teams in stronger markets with more talent to choose from seems financially sound to me, but then again, I'm no economist. Or, at the very least, move existing teams to the new markets---the Las Vegas Coyotes would still makes sense name-wise (it's a freakin' desert!) and it would really make Janet Gretzky a happy lady.

And that's what it's really all about---keeping the wives satisfied.

American TV-Watchers To Hockey Critics: "We Don't Care About The NBA, Either"

The NHL has a perfectly legitimate excuse for sucking in American TV ratings: very few people, per capita, play hockey in the US. It's not something your average middle- or lower-class kid plays in his/her free time. Basketball, on the other hand, has no such excuse. Everybody and their mother plays basketball in the US, and their mother can probably dunk on you. Hard.

So please explain this: the NBA Finals dropped 19 percent in TV ratings from the previous year. Even the participation of one of the greatest young players in the history of the league couldn't stop the heavy slide for a league that's been struggling for legitimacy since Michael Jordan retired (the first time).

Have you seen an NBA game recently? The final score is 180-176 and players literally stand still when they don't have the ball. Hockey columnists whine about the scores of NHL games being too low, but it's even worse when the scores of a sport start getting too high. Nobody takes it seriously anymore. Everybody understands that hockey is still a really tough sport---they just don't want to watch it on TV. Basketball, at least professional basketball, is now ridiculed for being far too easy and people apparently don't want to watch that anymore, either.

And you really have to feel sorry for LeBron James and company. Game 1 of the NBA Finals had to compete with a rerun of CSI in the same timeslot. That's just damn unfair.

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