“Bettman has only a marginal interest in the weaker teams. He only wants the NHL to make a bigger profit as a whole.” -- Dominik Hasek

June 29, 2007

Messier To Be Inducted Into Hockey, Strip Club Halls Of Fame



It was announced yesterday that six-time Stanley Cup champion Mark Messier will be inducted into the Hockey Hall Of Fame in November, along with fellow players Scott Stevens (dick), Ron Francis (pansy) and Al MacInnis (total stud). There was little doubt that Messier would make it into the Hall in this, his first year of eligibility.

If Messier was really good at something during his 25 years as a player in the NHL, it was leading his teammates on the ice. He is considered one of the greatest leaders in the history of the league, but he was also one of the classiest, if by "classy" I actually mean "kind of gross". Kind of gross in that he's a dirty old man who really, really likes strip clubs.

"The Messiah's" total points are second on the all-time list, but when it comes to actually scoring, he leads all other players in Most Embarrassing Strip Club Appearances with two. Which two? Those would be the two times he took the Stanley Cup to visit his favorite exotic dancers, once in Edmonton and once in New York.

The first incident was in 1987, when Messier took the cup onstage at an Edmonton strip joint called the Forum Inn, where it no doubt became intimately familiar with the various intricacies of the female anatomy. God bless it. Nothing says "great leader" like a guy willing to help a late-blooming buddy lose his virginity, only in this case the buddy was a 35-pound hunk of polished metal considered the greatest trophy in professional sports. What a stud.

I have no idea as to the quality of the strippers in Edmonton, but I have a feeling they can't hold a candle (so to speak) to the ladies of New York City. Specifically the ladies of the famous strip club Scores, where Messier took the cup after winning it with the Rangers in 1994. No doubt the poor trophy was fondled only slightly more than the classy ladies with which it "performed".

That incident actually led the NHL to appoint a 24-hour security detail to protect it from the players, and that practice continues today. Before it required babysitters, I'm sure getting to take the Cup home was a lot of fun for those who won it. But Mark Messier's "leadership" has ruined it for everybody. Now strip clubs aren't half as fun as they used to be. Thanks a lot, buddy.

But, if there's a bright side to the story, it's that the Cup can't get herpes, unlike professional athletes. Right, Mark?

1 comment:

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